A friend’s clumsy question about my mental health taught me an important lesson

Don’t ask me if I’m feeling blue. Ask me if I’m depressed

‘I can’t live like this.’

Those were the words I said to my mum a few months ago during a severe panic attack. 

She sat with me as I rode it out but afterwards, when it was over, she made me a cup of tea and asked: ‘What did you mean by that, Molly? Are you thinking about hurting yourself?’  

I wasn’t, but I am glad she asked the question, even if it was hard to do.

And I want everyone to be able to have those difficult conversations, even if we don’t want to. 

We are arguably more knowledgeable about mental illness than ever before.

Most of us, at the very least, know someone who is affected and want to help. 

But often, the thing that holds us back is a fear of making things worse. Of saying the wrong thing.

We don’t know what to say. Specifically, we don’t know what to ask. 

I’ve always noticed how people have a tendency to tiptoe around the use of certain language. 

I once had someone very close to me ask: ‘Have you tried just thinking more positively?’ (Picture: Molly Pennington)

They act as if words like depression and suicide are magical incantations that will cause the person they’re talking with to develop feelings they didn’t already have – like when you tell someone not to think about a green polar bear and then that’s all they can picture.

But as someone who has struggled with mental health, I want to say: please don’t ask me if I’m feeling blue. Ask me if I’m depressed. 

There’s nothing wrong with using direct language. In fact, it can be enormously helpful.

Just like the conversation I had with my mum. 

At the time, I was thinking that the panic attack was never going to end.

That I would spend the rest of my life gasping for air, unable to feel anything but the terror that was gripping me.

Clarifying what I was feeling, for both mine and my mum’s sake, enabled us to decide what our next steps needed to be.

It’s OK to ask someone if they’re suffering from depression if you know the signs, or to check whether they need you to take them to their GP or the nearest hospital. Sometimes, it’s OK to just ask if they need help.

Acting like this isn’t a normal thing to do contributes to the deep stigma that exists around mental health. 

Whatever you’re thinking of suggesting, I’ve tried

As someone who has struggled for most of their life, I am of the belief that saying nothing is generally worse than saying something and getting it a little bit wrong.

Though please note, I’m not talking about saying something absolutely abhorrent like ‘just get over it’, in which case, yes, please do shut up.

Since I started opening up about my mental health journey, I’ve had numerous friends say the same thing: ‘I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know how to approach it with you.’

To be clear, I don’t blame them at all, but I do often wonder: would I have sought help sooner if they had spoken to me about what they were seeing? If they had told me they’d noticed changes in my behaviour that they were concerned about? At the time, I didn’t know I was unwell. I had convinced myself I was fine. 

When it comes to suicide in particular, asking someone if they are thinking of taking their own life might be hard, and you might struggle with how to phrase it, but you might just make all the difference. (If you think somebody is in immediate danger, you should always call 999.)

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