His hand was forced in coming out to the world – and it’s wrong (Photo by David M. Benett/Dave Benett/WireImage)

With the amount of depressing news about trans rights that I usually scroll through every morning, one might think that news of a young actor coming out as bisexual would be a positive reprieve. A moment of queer joy. 

But seeing Kit Connor’s coming out tweet this morning was the complete opposite of that. 

The 18-year-old’s post wasn’t a celebration of a young person feeling proud of his identity and wanting to share it with his community – it was a teenager who felt he had no choice but to give details about his private life to millions of strangers on the internet. 

Strangers that felt like they were entitled to that information.  

His hand was forced in coming out to the world – and it’s wrong. And that’s what broke my heart this morning. I’m horrified that people think this means a teenager ‘owes’ anyone details about his sexuality just because he’s playing a bisexual character. 

It’s not his first acting role, but in many corners of the internet, Connor is best known for Netflix’s Heartstopper in which he plays Nick Nelson. Nick is bisexual – and now we know that Connor is, too. 

Nick gets a realistic and thoughtful coming out storyline in the first season of the hit series. He has time to figure out who he is, and is in control of who he comes out to and when he’s ready to share that information. Sadly, it wasn’t the same happy ending for the actor.

Connor was denied the time to figure himself in the same way that he was praised for portraying so beautifully in Heartstopper. The time that he is rightfully entitled to.

The show itself gives the LGBTQ+ community some much-needed representation; showing young people exploring who they are, embracing their identities, and falling in love. 

It meant a lot to young queer people, who got to see a positive depiction of characters getting to be their authentic selves.

While older generations also loved the show, many wished they’d had that representation when they were younger.

The show is an intentional celebration of queer love and queer joy, but ever since its cast was announced, there’s been speculation about both Connor and Joe Locke’s (who plays Connor’s on-screen boyfriend, Charlie Spring) sexuality. 

Let me be clear here: an 18-year-old figuring out his sexuality is not queerbaiting

The speculation continued when Heartstopper came out, and when Connor, Locke and their castmates were seen at London Pride earlier this year, shutting down vile, homophobic anti-LGBTQ+ protestors.

Yet, that wasn’t enough for some people: just months later he was shamefully accused of ‘queerbaiting’ by the community after photos emerged of him holding hands with Maia Reficco, his co-star in A Cuban Girl’s Guide to Tea and Tomorrow.

Let me be clear here: an 18-year-old figuring out his sexuality is not queerbaiting. 

I had absolutely no idea who I was at 18. Did you? At 18, I was terrified of my own body: I’d never kissed someone or masturbated, let alone had sex. I’d never been on a date or in a relationship. I thought I was a lesbian, a cis woman. I was wrong. 

Growing up in an isolated, religious community, I couldn’t imagine coming out as a teenager. I was in love with my straight best friend – a queer cliche as old as time – but that didn’t mean I was ready to tell anyone. 

I hated myself, but I wasn’t going to come out when I had to sit through classes across from someone who explained how his Christianity justified his homophobia and hatred of trans people.

I shared my sexuality with a few friends after starting university, but I was using the label ‘queer’ rather than ‘lesbian’ by the time I was brave enough to come out to my parents two years later. I was 20 then. I didn’t realise that I was trans for another two years, and I was 24 before I felt like I could tell my parents.

Did Connor’s parents know he was bi? Did he have to tell them yesterday, so they heard it from him before putting it on Twitter? 

For me, coming out to my parents was the hardest part, because no one else had the power to hurt me with rejection as much as they did. I can still remember the sick dread that lodged heavily in my stomach after I texted them and waited for their reply. The dread that, although I love myself so much more now, their love for me was conditional.

That is what we forced a teenager to go through before he was ready. That’s what Connor felt he had to do, after hundreds of people demanded to know his sexuality or told him that he shouldn’t be playing Nick if he was straight. It makes me feel sick. 

Connor’s announcement about his sexuality comes less than a month after National Coming Out Day, too. The day itself always leaves me with mixed feelings. It’s amazing that more and more people can proudly say who they are – it gives me so much hope, and gives young people role models that previous generations of queer folks never had. 

On the other hand, I think the day puts pressure on people to come out before they’re ready, almost to ‘justify’ their queerness – like with what happened with Connor. 

Queer representation is life-changing and I’m as frustrated as the next bisexual trans man at how often straight, cis actors win awards for roles where they portray queer people. 

But Connor wanting to take time and not label his sexuality yet is miles away from a cis man being cast to play a trans woman. 

Connor should never have felt pressure to come out. No one should. We can’t celebrate this as progress – this is queer people tearing people in our community apart because they don’t perfectly conform to how we think they ‘should’ behave. 

Let’s all stop trying to tell other people who they are – Connor deserved that much.

We all do.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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Connor was denied the time to figure himself in the same way that he was praised for portraying so beautifully in Heartstopper.