Frank Skinner – the man who co-wrote the greatest football anthem of all time in Three Lions alongside David Baddiel – says he just about understands the offside rule. So he’s putting faith in the assumed expertise of Gareth Southgate this weekend.
The idea does sound comical, as Frank’s lyric ‘IT’S COMING HOME’ (and repeat) has sound-tracked the sport ever since our de facto national anthem hit the charts in 1996.
It’s not that legendary comedian and chart-topping football maestro Frank, 67, hasn’t tried to understand the beautiful game. He really has – more than most.
‘I saw my first football match in 1967 and I’ve been watching football for all that time, live and on television. I’ve read hundreds of books. I’ve read many articles. I’ve had every conversation.
‘I would say over that period, I’ve learned nothing about football. I don’t understand whenever they talk on the telly about flat back fours and three at the back and wing, I have no idea what they’re talking about.’
‘If I had watched someone doing origami for 60 years I’d be able to do origami. But I can’t tell you just how little football has sunk in.’
He concludes: ‘I love it, but I don’t understand it. A bit like my partner in that respect.’
So when quizzed about what he makes of the ever-criticised England manager Gareth Southgate, he suspects the lanky fella with the big job knows something we don’t.
‘Gareth Southgate has always been the sort of manager that when he takes his dogs for a walk he leaves them on the lead, and now suddenly people are shocked he’s being careful and not taking risks – but that’s who he is,’ Frank says.
‘Football fans always think, “Just attack! Just wallop the ball up the field! Let’s just score 10 goals!” and I think football professionals laugh at us for being so ignorant and having such simple views.
‘So I’m sure Gareth is thinking, “These people don’t understand the technicalities of the game. I know what I’m doing.” I think he’s pretty confident in his abilities.’
But how is Gareth doing, according to Frank…?
‘I am one of those football fans that think we should just attack,’ Frank chuckles. That’s settled then. (And by the way, the result of Saturday’s quarter-final match against Switzerland is probably going to be 3 – 1. To us. Of course.)
But while Frank’s contribution to the world of football in Three Lions is a hugely impressive feat, it’s not what he’s most proud of.
‘I’m particularly proud that I managed to stay a comedian for so long because it could have been a two year or five year thing,’ he says.
Frank feels infinitely lucky to have found it. He would never have found comedy if someone hadn’t woken up one day and decided to have sex with a goat. Yes, really…
‘I was working at a college of further education and I got sacked – or at least they didn’t renew my contract – for reasons involving someone having sex with the college goat.
‘The caretaker who owned the college goat said that he was going to have it put down because he wouldn’t drink milk from a goat someone had had sex with.
‘I mentioned this to a member of the English department and she said it was typical that the goat was getting the blame, and I said: “We should get a goat support group.” She took tremendous offence at this and they asked me to apologise, but I didn’t. And so they didn’t renew my contract.’
Thankfully, Frank got away from the goat – and the English department – and decided it was time to ‘go for it’ with his comedy. Four months later he was a professional comedian with his own TV show.
‘I spent the first 30 years of my life drifting around, not knowing what I was going to do, getting drunk, wasting a lot of time.
‘I don’t know how many people actually find a job they love. But if you do, you really want to hold on to it with both hands,’ Frank says.
Last year, Frank’s Edinburgh Fringe run of his current show 30 Years Of Dirt was his most enjoyable ever. (He’s still performing it because his shows won’t stop selling out.).
‘I saw an interview with Sylvester Stallone and someone asked him how come he was still in film. And he said: “Just keep swimming,”‘ Frank recalls.
‘He obviously didn’t mean literally swimming. He meant to just keep going. And I’m a big fan of just keep going.’
Frank Skinner is performing his critically acclaimed stand-up show 30 Years of Dirt at London’s Gielgud Theatre for 3 weeks only from 5th-24th August and then nationwide from 26th September. For tickets, visit www.frankskinnerlive.com