What I wish I’d known sooner as a mother of neurodivergent children

Susana Gonzalez and her children Tomas and Clara (Picture: Supplied)

When Susana Gonzalez’s son took a tumble in the playground, she jumped into action. ‘I turned to my friend and said: “We have to get him to hospital, he’s broken his arm.” My friend thought I was overreacting, but I was right.’

Susana’s son, Tomas, now 14, and his sister, Clara, 12, are both neurodivergent. ‘I knew he was hurt because he’s neurodivergent and has a very high pain threshold,’ she explains.

‘He always loved climbing very high – trees, monkey bars – which is very common in neurodivergent children. They are seeking high stimulation.

‘He would often bump himself but show no sign of pain. But when he does cry, I know he’s hurt.’

Tomas was first diagnosed with ADHD when he was 10 years old. ‘I had just been told he was a very anxious little boy,’ says Susana.

‘Before starting school Tomas was a very happy child, asked questions about how everything worked, loved the outdoors and running. He knew lots of facts about animals and he loved explaining what he had learnt. He was a very outspoken happy confident child.

‘But as primary school progressed, he was increasingly unhappy, he started having difficulties sleeping and there was a significant discrepancy between his academic results and his intellectual ability. He was exhausted after school and did not want to go.’

After her son’s diagnosis, Susana, a chemistry teacher, educated herself. ‘I read every book I could lay my hands on, attended webinars, signed up to courses and started a neurodivergent club in the school I worked at and I realised most neurodivergent young people have in fact a unique combination of traits from different neurotype categories: ADHD, AuDHD [autism and ADHD], Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, OCD, Giftedness and more.

‘It’s complex. I was so relieved when my children were diagnosed. As a mother, I knew something wasn’t right – my intelligent, happy children didn’t thrive at school and were becoming increasingly withdrawn and miserable, but I didn’t know why. It’s so distressing to see your children suffering and not be able to help. When I started to do my research about neurodivergent children, suddenly, I could understand what was happening and help them,’ she says.  

Tomas was diagnosed with ADHD at 10 years old (Picture: Supplied)

Her daughter Clara was 10 when she was also diagnosed with ADHD and is noise sensitive.

‘I knew she was bright but was not performing well at school. Clara re-tested for her numerical ability in a quiet room and moved from a 112 (top 31%) to a 133 (top 2%).’

Her experience means Susana, a chemistry teacher, is passionate about educating people about neurodivergence. She says: ‘Twenty per cent of people will have a brain that senses and processes information differently to the average population and as a result they will think, learn and communicate in very different way.’

Children with learning differences have many more negative experiences than their neurotypical counterparts in school. Research shows that by the time they are 10, neurodivergent children have received 20,000 more negative comments than neuro typical children.

Little sister Clara was also diagnosed at the age of 10 (Picture: Supplied)

Plus, studies also show that neurodivergent kids have higher levels of the stress hormones (e.g., cortisol) in their bloodstream which can lead to impaired learning and other health complications. ‘Neurodivergent learners can struggle with lower academic attainment, low self-esteem, behaviour problems and poor wellbeing,’ says Susana.

Susana has since trained as a neurodivergent specialist teacher and runs ND Bright Brains [this needs to be written like this as it’s the name of her company], an educational practice to support neurodivergent young people in mainstream schools and their parents.

‘Neurodivergent young people must be supported to develop their lagging skills and their inability to meet certain school demands must be understood and supported not just punished.’

Here, Susana shares the five things she wishes she’d known sooner about having neurodivergent children.

Tomas and Clara, now 14 and 12, are thriving (Picture: Supplied)

There’s nothing wrong with your child, they just process information differently. 

Having a neurodivergent brain does not mean there is something wrong with your child, but it’s essential that adults understand neurodivergent learning and behaviour so they can provide the right environment for them to feel safe and learn.

If a child struggles certain school demands, they are going to become frustrated. And we start seeing the behaviours that people label as ‘naughty’ and that’s when we start to see their wellbeing and confidence being eroded. When my son was first learning to write and was trying to earn ‘his pen passport’, he would constantly break the nib on the pencil. I thought and the teachers thought he was doing it on purpose so he would get told off. But it turns out that this is an issue with neurodivergent children – they can press too hard on the paper when first learning how to write due to their posture and muscle control.

Adult support is key in the early years. Start by educating yourself. Books I recommend are: The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene and 12 principles for raising a child with ADHD by Russell A. Barkley.

Listen, get curious, don’t dismiss.

When your child is exhibiting behaviours that you don’t recognise or understand – get curious, be supportive, don’t dismiss.

Social anxiety, for example, is a typical sign of neurodivergent kids who may catastrophise and say things like: ‘Everyone is nasty in that class, so I am not going back’.

Parents can initially be tempted to dismiss this as nonsense, but we need to acknowledge and validate our children’s feelings, so they feel safe. When my daughter went to her first dance class, she said she didn’t want to go back. I listened to her, asked her questions and acknowledged her fears about mixing with the other girls in the class and performing. I let her make suggestions about what she might be willing to do. Slowly, she built up confidence and competence until she did go back. She ended up taking part in a dance competition in front of hundreds of people. As a parent and teacher, I’m not at all interested in enabling bad behaviour, but we need to learn to notice where your child is struggling – they might find it difficult to sit still, noise may be overwhelming, they may get overwhelmed trying to process lots of information, or they might hyper-focus and get obsessed by one thing. Allowing for sensory accommodations such as ear defenders is important.

Honour Sensitivities

Is your child hypersensitive to sounds, smells, does your child become overwhelmed by new environments? Being overly affected by too much information and being very sensitive to physical (sound, sigh, touch, or smell) or mental stimuli are all signs of being neurodivergent.

I’m from Spain and when I first sent my daughter to school in the UK, I was determined she wouldn’t be cold, so I tried to make her wear tights, but she cried. I realised it wasn’t a defiant kind of cry but an emotional one. I realised that she was very sensitive to touch and certain fabrics: wearing itchy tights would stress her out. She chose to wear socks all through primary school.

When you see your child distressed, it is very important to acknowledge their experience by validating their feelings (regardless of what your opinion might be on the matter), this will help them to regulate their emotions and to feel safe.

Teach your child that they are not responsible for everyone’s feelings.

Many neurodivergent children are hypersensitive to others’ feelings. There are many positive aspects to hypersensitivity – creativity, empathy, and a deep understanding of things and people, but in order for your child to function well, you need to teach your child that they are not responsible for everyone’s feelings and create an environment and routines that work for them. When my daughter was being schooled online in Lockdown, I came into her bedroom to find her lying on the floor versus participating in the class. ‘Mummy, I just needed to let my brain rest,’ she said. ‘But don’t worry, I’ve made a background of photo of myself on Zoom, so I don’t hurt the teacher’s feelings.’ My daughter was self-regulating her system but was also trying to look after her teacher.

People who are very sensitive need more downtime to allow their brain to have a break from stimuli, so build in space and time in the day to rest, always let your child carry earplugs and/or headset to block out noise. If noise and crowds bother your child, figure out ways to create quiet spaces at home and school.

Do not shame children, help them.

If a child is neurodivergent, they may struggle with what is called Executive Function Deficit – which affects organisation or motivation, because the parts of the brain that helps a child deal with overwhelm or planning might not develop at the same rate as an average child. Neurodivergent kids take between two to four years longer to develop the part of the brain responsible for organisation skills (the pre-frontal cortex).

This might result in neurodivergent children being shamed by a parent or teacher – they may be called lazy or marked down at school, despite being very bright.

When my son went into year five and he suddenly had to go to different classes, pack different books, he began to struggle. Often, we must help our neurodivergent children with what we may think as basic tasks. It’s not about telling them that they need to be more organised. They know that. They just don’t know how to do it.

We need to give kids ‘scaffolding’ to help them get from A to B. For example, to try and get my son to pack his bag, I would start asking him questions: ‘So okay, so we need to get ready for tomorrow – what do we need?’

Don’t give them the answers. Instead ask: ‘How can you find out? What is on the timetable? Shall we look?’

Help them develop the skill, break it down, get them to figure it out, step by step. By doing this, they are literally building new pathways in their brains as well as developing life skills that will help them function. Practice builds and strengthens neurological pathways that may initially be underdeveloped and help their brain develop.

Susana’s online talk, Neurodiversity and Learning – A Talk for Parents is taking place on the 4th of January at 7pm GMT. Tickets are available for £10.

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‘I was so relieved when my children were diagnosed.’