We’ve been happily married 23 years – here’s the secret to our success

We have always supported each other’s pursuits (Picture: Lily Canter)

I breathed in the warm salty sea air as I pelted down the rocky hillside, the sun blazing on my back.

There wasn’t a soul in sight, as if I had the whole Balearic island to myself.

There were no school runs, work deadlines, dog walks or piles of washing to worry about. I had left the children behind in Britain and I was lapping up the Mallorca coast on my own.

But this wasn’t actually a solo holiday. 

It was a break with my husband, Mark, earlier this month to celebrate his 50th birthday, and the first time in 12 years we had been abroad together without our kids: Byron, 11 and Ivor, eight. 

Yet he was five miles away on a beach enjoying a solo sea swim – because our ideal childfree break isn’t lazing together sipping cocktails by the pool, or walking hand in hand under the light of the moon.

It’s spending time together, but apart – and this, I think, has been the success of our 23 years together.

Mark and I met in 2000 when we were 27 and 21 respectively and married in 2008.

When we were in our twenties, before we had children, our holidays were often spent walking endless miles around a city as I dragged Mark on a mammoth sightseeing tour of San Francisco, Barcelona or Hanoi.

He would moan about the heat and his sore feet, while I wanted to cram in as much as possible. 

Some days it even ended in a row but we always got over it quickly, even if we were left with the sense that we wanted slightly different things from a holiday.

It’s best for everyone if we get our own space (Picture: Lily Canter)

I have always said that the reason I fell in love with Mark was because he was the first person to really let me be me.

We have always supported each other’s pursuits – running for me, climbing for him – and maintained our autonomy in our everyday lives.

It happened organically. We never sat down and discussed it, we just gradually started organising solo activities more frequently. 

Our independence has become even stronger since we’ve had children – and, by definition, so has our relationship. 

Rather than being a sign that we’re growing apart, it’s a mutual realisation that time following our own interests is even more treasured when we have less time to ourselves.

We make sure we talk about it all the time, and always come to the same conclusion: it’s vital for our mental health and sets a good example for our kids. Through us, they learn about independence and healthy relationships.

For us, relationships are about supporting each other and this includes supporting one another to be alone

We also know if we don’t get to do our separate activities, we will be ratty with each other or the kids, so it’s best for everyone if we get our own space – it would be easy for resentment to creep into our marriage.

For instance: This summer I travelled to Tanzania on my own to run a 250km race. I was away for 10 days and Mark worked while also managing the kids, school, home and dog.

Many people asked me if I was going with my family and meeting them after the race. I had broached this with Mark and he said, ‘No way, you’ll be knackered and in a foul mood’.

He was right. Having to deal with the children and be in happy holiday mode after enduring a week of no sleep while hobbling around on blistered feet was never going to end well. 

I needed to do this trip on my own – and it was all the better for it.

He climbs, I run (Picture: Lily Canter)

Similarly, around three times a year Mark goes to the Peak District for a long weekend of climbing with a friend and I bought him a rock climbing trip in Mallorca four years ago. 

I wanted him to be able to bond with other climbers and because I had nothing in common with them, it made more sense for me to stay at home with the kids.

Off he went on his own for a week, while I stayed at home with the kids.

For the majority of our recent four-day Mallorca break I was running the Spanish trails while my husband was scaling the sea cliffs.

In the morning I would lace up my Hoka running shoes while he slipped into his Scarpa climbing shoes. After a hearty breakfast together we went our separate ways, pursuing our different hobbies before meeting up again in the late afternoon.

There was no pressure to be together 24/7 and it felt liberating to explore the island in our own ways.

When we did come together at the end of the day we compared our mini adventures and still had hours to share because there were no meals to cook or children to put to bed.

Mark even commented that we spent a lot of time not speaking, because we were comfortable in each other’s silence. There was no pressure to be constantly communicating, we were just happy to relax side by side after a day apart.

Family holidays follow a similar pattern. This summer we toured Ireland for three weeks in a motorhome and knew it would be a mixture of doing things solo, in pairs and as a family.

One day I took the boys for a long walk, while Mark climbed outdoors. Another day I went on a boat trip with just my eldest son. 

Instead of being cooped up together, getting on each other’s nerves, we were each able to relax in our own ways. 

For us, relationships are not about living in each other’s pockets. They are about supporting each other and this includes supporting one another to be alone if that’s what you desire.

So instead of feeling the pressure to have the faux Instagram perfect holiday, maybe we should all be thinking about what makes us happy as individuals. We should be enabling our partners to take up more solo time, rather than putting up guilt barriers.

Because – as Mark and I have learned first hand – if you are both happy, then your relationship will flourish rather than languish.

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We spend our holidays abroad apart.