‘We’ve built the most loving, beautiful household.’ (Picture: Ife Akintoye, Natasha Mahtani, Rachel Brydon)
‘I spent a long time trying to be whatever society told me was conventional,’ says single mum, Ife Akintoye, 36.
‘I wasted so much energy and effort, when I could have been concentrating on the fact that we’ve built the most loving, beautiful household.’
Ife, from London, was at university when she became pregnant. Her daughter was born in 2008, and her then-partner left shortly afterwards.
‘I was scared of being judged,’ she says. ‘But as I’ve grown older I’ve become really passionate about showing the positive side of single parenthood – it doesn’t mean you’re any less of a family.’
Kim Kardashian recently spoke out about ‘struggling’ to raise her four children alone after divorcing her ex-husband, Kanye West.
Perhaps surprisingly, it was her sister’s ex partner, Tristan Thompson that provided support. Kim said: ‘When he saw me struggling with my kids, he stepped up.’
She added: ‘Tristan started showing up to the games. He picked Saint up, takes them to dinner, and will always come to my defense.’
It’s not the first time the SKIMS mogul has shared her views on single parenting. Appearing on the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast back in May, she said: ‘It has been the most challenging thing. There are nights I cry myself to sleep. Like, holy shit, this f*cking tornado in my house. Like, what just happened?
She continued: ‘It’s [just] me to play good police officer and bad cop.’
According to Gingerbread, a charity which supports single parents, there are around 1.8 million single parents in the UK, which make up nearly a quarter of families with dependent children. Of those, 90% are women.
From balancing work and caring responsibilities, to financial security and outdated stereotypes, it’s true that single parents face many challenges – but Metro.co.uk spoke to those who are going it alone, and say that there’s so much joy to be found too.
Ife says that becoming a single parent to Reya, now 15, was ‘nerve-wracking’.
She says: ‘I held onto my daughter’s father – or any semblance of having him in our lives – for as long as I could, because I just didn’t want to be a single parent.
Mum Ife says she and her daughter, Reya, have a very special bond (Picture: Ife Akintoye)
‘At the time, the rhetoric was: “kids grow up happier if there are two parents.”
‘I couldn’t find any positive messaging out there, especially as a young, Black, single parent. I felt like I’d be judged, and that people wouldn’t get the time to know me further, and understand that actually, I’ve studied, and I’m working.
‘I really fought against being just another stereotype.’
But Ife says her daughter’s father simply ‘wasn’t the best person for the job’, and now lives in a different country. She says initially, the hardest part of going it alone was trying to climb the career ladder as young graduate, and be a mum.
She says: ‘I was trying to be a full time parent, and enter the job scene. When you start out, you’re not earning very much money. That’s a real struggle.
‘But emotionally, it’s even more difficult. You’re the only person making every decision in your child’s life – that can be really, really scary.’
However, Ife says that the tough times are outweighed by so much positivity.
‘Reya and I have a very special relationship, one that I don’t think we could have had if there were two adults in the household. It’s unique and I would never ever change it.
‘We have some fun traditions. I love Halloween so try to do a big party every year, and we both get dressed up.
‘And each September before she goes back to school, we have our annual ‘fancy day’. We go and have tea at a posh hotel and wonder around Harrods – even if we don’t buy anything, it’s fun!
‘But it’s the little things too, like lying together in bed on a Saturday morning and having a gossip, because no one else is in the house and we can do that.
‘I think that even if I have more children, of course I would have unconditional love for them, but the bond would be different to the one that Reya and I have.’
It’s a sentiment shared by Rachel Brydon, from Cardiff, who, after ending an unhealthy relationship, is now the sole parent to Freddie, eight.
‘Freddie cracks me up all the time,’ says single mum, Rachel (Picture: Rachel Brydon)
‘The bond is 100% the best thing about being a single parent,’ Rachel, 43, agrees.
‘He is intuitive to me and I am so tuned into his needs.
‘We have so many shared interests. We both love live music, theatre and cycling, so we do all of those things together.
‘Highlights have been seeing the Cirque to Soleil at the Royal Albert Hall, and watching Six The Musical and The Lion King. He is desperate to get to a Frank Turner gig with me!’
Like Ife, Rachel says that the responsibility sometimes weighs heavy on her. She says: ‘It’s all mine. Finances, choices for his education, clubs and commitments, as well as the usual making sure I’ve shopped for all the bits we need and that I have enough snacks for him when we leave the house!’
But Rachel also wishes there was someone else to share the joy with too.
‘Freddie genuinely cracks me up all the time. He’s brilliant, and as his biggest advocate and cheerleader, I’d like someone else to see him the way I do.’
For Natasha Mahtani, 40, she says that being the decision-maker for her child is actually one of the biggest positives of single parenting. She became a single mum to her son, ‘S’, now 11, when he was just 15-months-old.
Natasha says being the sole decision maker for her child is a big plus (Picture: Natasha Mahtani)
She says: ‘The best thing about single parenthood is you get to the make all your own decisions on what you think is best for your child.
‘I’ve made some pretty out of the box decisions that have shaped my son’s life – for example, I’ve recently moved him to a school that’s abroad, as I felt it suited his style of learning better. I’ve never had to worry about convincing someone else they were the right choices to make for him. It’s a pretty liberating feeling!’
Now, Natasha is determined to spread empowering stories about single parents.
She says: ‘When I became a single parent, I didn’t just worry about how it would affect S, I also worried about how society would view me and what people would say.
‘I’m of South Asian descent and even 10 years ago, divorce was not as common as it is now. I didn’t really find any relatable positive examples of single parenthood.
‘I regularly speak on podcasts, especially ones hosted by fellow South Asians, as it’s important to me to destigmatise divorce and single parenthood in the community.’
When it comes to advice, all of the single parents we spoke with had their words of wisdom.
‘Don’t spend your time being concerned about things that aren’t your priority,’ says Rachel. ‘I’m not worried about having a sterile, clean home – I’d rather spend time on an enriching experience than spend the weekend deep cleaning!’
While Natasha says that finding your support network is crucial. She says: ‘Find the people who feel like home, who embrace your kid like their own and who you can lean on for support.
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‘And, ask for their help. Just because you made a decision to end your relationship or embark on single parenthood, doesn’t mean you need to do it all by yourself.’
And finally, Ife says to remember never to compare yourself to others: ‘A family doesn’t have to just be a mother and a father. Our family is made up of lots of different people, it’s a whole village.
‘You’re never dealt a hand in life that you can’t handle or deal with. If this is what’s been bestowed upon you, then you’re obviously made of really strong stuff.
‘Shout out to all the solo parents, we’re bloody fantastic.’
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‘Shout out to all the solo parents, we’re bloody fantastic.’
