‘I’ve got something to show you,’ said Bob* with a cheeky smile (Picture: Getty)
Downing the last dregs of my gin and tonic, I felt surprisingly at ease.
I was on a date with a man from Bumble, and so far everything had been going swimmingly. He looked like his photos, hadn’t lied about his height, and he smelt of a manly aftershave that gave me goosebumps.
Yes, this date was definitely going well and clearly I wasn’t the only one who thought so as he soon scooted his chair closer to mine.
‘I’ve got something to show you,’ said Bob* with a cheeky smile. ‘But it’s a bit unconventional.’
My curiosity piqued, I found my eyes scanning his body for any hints as to what he might be hiding. Could it be a secret tattoo with either a hilarious or sweet backstory? Or perhaps a birthmark shaped like Wales?
But before I could get my answer he went to fetch us two more tipples.
I waited for him to return anxiously, my mind abuzz with theories about what it could be. And as soon as he returned the question was out there.
‘So, what’s your secret?’ I asked flirtatiously. He smiled before announcing proudly…
‘I’m wearing a cock ring!’
Granted, I’d been single for a while (seven years to be exact) but there was no way I could hide the shock from my face.
Like many of my friends, I’d dipped in and out of using dating apps for several years now. And yes, I’d had my share of disastrous dates.
I had a pretty abysmal track record of men either lying about their age, height and hobbies, or looking nothing like their pictures.
But with Bob, we’d been texting for a few days and seemed a good fit.
There was already a certain level of chemistry over message, and I thought sparks may very well fly if we met in person.
I don’t think I admitted it then but, Bob was pretty much my last ditch attempt before I retired from the app game completely.
We agreed to meet at a pub near the station as that was pretty central for both of us.
Nervous, I made sure to arrive bang on time and to my delight Bob was already there waiting for me. More importantly, I recognised him immediately as he looked exactly like his pictures. Tick and tick.
I realised I was gawping at his crotch and he was giving some serious leg spread for me to get a better view
Bob stood to greet me and gave me a peck on the cheek which is when I noticed his aftershave. An immediate attraction was definitely there.
Then, like a gentleman, he offered to buy me a G&T while I got comfortable. We were off to a good start and I hoped the rest of the night would continue in much the same way.
We covered a lot of ground in the first hour or so, before the cock ring revelation. We talked about his interests in the gym and cooking, and my love of car boot sales, indie films, snorkelling.
We also discussed travel and the fact that he was currently living in a caravan – something he’d mentioned over text but we were able to talk about more deeply in person.
He explained that he’d split up with his ex about 18 months ago and was temporarily between actual brick houses, but that this was his best bet so he could still have the kids.
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I’ve never dated anyone who lived in a mobile home before, but to be fair, I’d never dated anyone with young kids either, so this was a new experience in more ways than one.
Everything had been going well, and then came his cock ring confession.
‘I beg your pardon?!’ I asked in utter bewilderment at the statement he’d just made. Though in all fairness I probably didn’t need to say a word; the look of total shock was undoubtedly written across my face.
Now, I’m no prude, but as far as I was aware, a cock ring was a battery powered gadget to prolong erections. What possessed him to wear it on our first date I’ll never know.
Our conversations over text had been mildly flirtatious, fine, but they’d never entered the realm of sexting or the use of sex toys.
As I mulled this over, trying to work out if I’d given any suggestion that this was ‘my thing’, I realised I was gawping at his crotch and he was giving some serious leg spread for me to get a better view.
He must have mistook my unease for excitement as he then decided to say: ‘I bet you’re a kinky b***h’
Confused, I wanted to change the subject, but weirdly I also wanted to know more.
‘Why? Why would you do that? Are you walking around with a constant hard on?’ I asked in a hurry.
He just laughed at my questions and simply explained that it was solid silver and that he ‘liked the way it made him feel’. This all then prompted him to brag about his ‘ferocious sex drive.’
I wish I’d never asked because this then prompted him to tell me all about his sexcapades. How he never had trouble pulling in clubs and found the whole ‘getting to know you’ portion of dating apps boring because he is always horny.
He even bragged about how much he loves pleasuring women and told me all about the other things he likes – such as threesomes, but only with other women.
At this point I began feeling uncomfortable and kept shifting in my seat.
He must have mistook my unease for excitement as he then decided to lean over and say: ‘I bet you’re a kinky b***h’.
I said, ‘I don’t think we’re a good match, but loads of luck!’ and grabbed my coat, left my drink and legged it – legs wobbling with all the adrenaline.
I called my best mate as soon as I got out, who as a gay man wanted to know all about it and the size of his penis! He thought it was hysterical. I called my best girlfriend next and she was much more disgusted.
I never heard from Bob again and I deleted my dating apps after that night. It was the final straw after a succession of bad dates.
It’s now been 12 months since I used Bumble, or any dating app for that matter, and I can honestly say I will not be trying my luck again.
*Names changed
So, How Did It Go?
So, How Did It Go? is a weekly Metro.co.uk series that will make you cringe with second-hand embarrassment or ooze with jealousy as people share their worst and best date stories.
Want to spill the beans about your own awkward encounter or love story? Contact jess.austin@metro.co.uk
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‘I’ve got something to show you,’ said Bob with a cheeky smile. ‘But it’s a bit unconventional.’