Stuck in a rut? (Picture: Getty)
Every couple has their ups and downs, but sometimes a relationship never recovers from a difficult period.
While processing conflict and working on your interactions is admirable, aiming to repair a dying relationship is a time-waster for everyone involved.
The key to sorting things out – whether that’s together or not – is seeing the signs you’ve reached the point of no return.
That allows you to go your separate ways if need be or come up with a game plan to change things if you see something worth salvaging; rip the plaster off and save yourselves the heartache later on.
According to sex and relationship therapist Lauren Consul, there are a few red flags that suggest you’re flogging a dead horse romantically.
If her warning signs read like a memoir of your partnership, it might be time to move on.
Getting stuck in the content during arguments
Lauren, 34, says that a clear sign your relationship is on the rocks can be seen in your arguments.
Are you getting to the root of the issue or focusing on surface level squabbles that go nowhere?
‘Two people can experience the same thing but feel completely differently about it,’ says Lauren.
‘If we get stuck in the “right sight” we are saying one person’s experience is valid and the other is not.’
Some couples can struggle to see the wood for the trees in disagreements (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
If disagreements are circular and you’re rowing about who did what and who’s in the right, you’re destined to become resentful as underlying causes fester unchecked.
Lauren adds: ‘The best way to overcome this is if we can take a pause and reflect on what we are hearing from our partner and validate them.’
Not taking responsibility
LA-based Lauren argues that couples for whom sorry is the hardest word may struggle long term.
When one partner won’t take responsibility, they place the success (or failure) of the relationship onto the other. For example, taking the ‘well if my partner would just change or do this differently, everything would be fine,’ approach to problems.
‘It is a lot easier to point the finger at our partner,’ comments Lauren. ‘But what you do impacts your partner which then impacts you – behaviours get reinforced.’
Losing curiosity for each other
As a relationship progresses, you’re naturally going to fall into certain routines and lose that ‘first flush of love’ feel.
However, if you’re no longer curious about your partner and assume you know them already, that’s a bad omen for your future.
Support and respect are cornerstones of a healthy partnership (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
Lauren says: ‘When we start dating, we ask lots of questions and are interested in each other, but over time we forgot or start presuming and stop asking our partner questions.
‘It is all about continuing to ask questions – how are they feeling? What are they thinking? And what their long-term goals are.’
As they say, the grass is greenest where you water it most, so put the effort in like you did at the beginning to come back from the brink.
Words and actions that don’t align
When the trust is gone in a relationship, it’s difficult to get it back.
If one partner makes big promises but fails to follow through, the other can feel let down.
Saying ‘I love you’ but not showing it, for example, signifies that your words are meaningless. And building a relationship on a shaky foundation can lead to collapse.
‘The first step is awareness but that alone is not enough, we have to have motivation,’ Lauren says.
‘We need to start to recognise how these things are showing up in the relationship and why they are showing up and then we can shift it.’
Lack of support and teamwork
Lauren says that feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back can be the death knell for your relationship.
She explains: ‘A common one I see is that one partner will take the side of their mum or dad or even siblings over their partner – and that is really painful for people, as it is saying you are not my core family.
‘It is that transition of “we are in this together” – it is about coming together and understanding how you are feeling about this and how can we work on this.’
It’s imperative you approach things as a team; otherwise what’s the point of being together?
No couple is perfect, but support, trust, respect, and collaboration set apart those that go the distance from those that don’t.
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Not working as a team is a major red flag.
