Divorces in the UK are on the rise (Picture: Getty)
Sitting in a plush grey armchair in the corner of her simple yet tastefully decorated Berkshire office, divorce coach Sara Davison has been a sympathetic ear to some unimaginably painful break ups.
From the client who turned to copious bottles of wine every night to nurse the anxiety of losing her husband, to another who endeavoured to make their marriage work despite her husband’s secret family, or a third who describes his wife’s controlling behaviour that borders on abusive, Sara has learned there’s no such thing as a textbook way of dealing with divorce.
She should know. Sara herself was on the receiving end of a painful break up over a decade ago, when one day, out of the blue, her husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.
‘It hit me like a freight train,’ she admits to Metro.co.uk. ‘We’d only been married for about three years. Our son was just about to turn one.
‘I didn’t see it coming. I was ugly crying on the bathroom floor, and not really understanding what my future would look like, or how I was going to cope.
‘I was thrown into this whirlwind divorce that I didn’t understand. The legal side to it was like a different language.’
But Sara was determined not to be broken. She decided to put her own experience to use, and help thousands of others out there who are forced to navigate the often difficult world of divorce.
With UK annulment rates on the rise in recent years, the Office of National Statistics suggests around half of all marriages will eventually result in divorce. It follows a surge in splits following the coronavirus pandemic and subsequent lockdowns that punctuated 2020 and 2021, which sounded a death knell for even the strongest and most secure couples.
Sara is one of the UK’s leading divorce coaches (Picture: Heidi Barroll Brown)
The implementation of the new ‘no-fault’ divorce law, which allows couples to split amicably without any party being on the receiving end of any blame, has offered another, easier option for those looking to leave their marriages.
Regardless of whether the divorce is friendly or not, for many people facing down the barrel of a split, hiring a lawyer is often their first port of call. But while it’s fairly commonplace to have a solicitor take care of all our legal woes, the emotional turmoil that a painful split can cause is often left unchecked – which prompted Sara to fill the gaping cavern in the market and become one of the UK’s leading divorce coaches.
‘If you have a problem with alcohol, you’d go to AA. If you want to lose weight, you’d go to Weight Watchers,’ she explains. ‘There’s nothing out there for heartbreak, which is crazy as everyone on the planet is going to go through heartbreak at some point in their life.’
As opposed to couples counselling, divorce coaching focuses solely on one-on-one therapy to help build the client’s confidence. Sara has a holistic approach to her coaching; as well as providing one to one coaching sessions, she gives clients the space to support each other through online support group. She even has retreats for divorcees, dubbed ‘heartbreak hotels’, with more intensive coaching to allow clients to immerse themselves and acclimatise to life without their partner.
The emotional impact of divorce is often overlooked in favour of legal technicalities (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
But for Sara, the road to emotional recovery no matter what the situation starts from the very first session: a ninety-minute deep dive where the client tells Sara the full story of their marriage up until where they’ve reached in their divorce.
‘We only hear the full story once,’ Sara explains. ‘We don’t want to have to keep going back to the story, as it can get people stuck in that loop.
‘We start to unpack what the issues and challenges are specifically, unpack their options and provide them with an emotional toolkit which effectively allows them to take their power and get back in the driving seat of their lives so they can take more positive, informed decisions.
‘We all control the remote to our brain but we don’t always know how to use it. We shine a light on behaviours and then see are they serving us or are they not serving us in a good way.’
Sara says that many of her clients, deep within the immediate pain of their split, use unhealthy habits as a crutch.
Some clients have relied on unhealthy habits to get them through the tougher times (Picture: Getty Images)
‘One woman I worked with would have a glass of wine, then two, then get through the bottle, until she was sick in the morning to the point she was unable to work, look after her kids or generally function at all,’ she explains. ‘We had to move her unconscious behaviour into a conscious one to understand why she chose to behave the way she did. We then give a structured, action plan at the end of each session so we can move forward after each session to keep up that momentum of recovery.
‘Another client had been with her husband for 30 years, and was terrified of being on their own. We had to create an action plan for her so she had practical tips to help her get through. We encouraged her to “detoxify” her home of any reminders of her ex, and to stay with her friends in a new area so she could picture where starting somewhere fresh away from painful memories.’
Similarly to the solicitors dealing with the increase of divorces, business has been booming for Sara, who blames a ‘crippling cocktail’ of circumstances for fuelling marital splits.
The cost of living crisis and ongoing financial fears are putting strain on even the strongest relationships (Picture: Getty Images)
‘If there are stresses and strains in life, that will put tension on even the most amicable of relationships,’ Sara explains. ‘I’ve had several clients that have explained strain on finances caused by rising household bills, fuel and inflation has caused a great deal of stress and anxiety.
‘We’ve also got the aftermath of the pandemic and how that put immense pressure on so many aspects in life.’
Sara continues: ‘In these situations, it’s easy for communication to break down. It could be one or two small arguments about money, but when the situation is ongoing, it means these arguments fester – small irritants can accumulate and send even the strongest relationship crashing down.’
If you’re thinking about divorce…
Sara Davison recommended five key steps to consider before calling a lawyer.
1. Think through it carefully
You need to be sure not to rush into anything. Sit down with your partner and have a ‘no regrets’ exercise. Create a safe space where you basically agree you’re going to have a conversation about the relationship where no one gets upset or angry. Start with the positives, and then explain what problems you may be facing.
2. Consider what life will look like alone
Look at what your finances may look like, where you could live, where your children could go to school and how custody could be split. Divorce causes huge ripples across numerous lives, so it’s about being careful and considered in your actions and decisions.
3. Find your break-up support team
Having groups of people around you who can help you in your lowest moments are vital if you’re seriously considering a divorce. Whether it’s legal advice, financial advice or even just friends to pick you up when you’re down. Having great, close friends are vital, but more level-headed friends are vital during these emotional times. You need friends to keep you calm, not pour fuel on the flames and cut up your ex’s clothes in the middle of the night.
4. Be kind to yourself
If you’re thinking about a divorce, you’re likely juggling a lot on your own, which can leave you feeling tired and sluggish. It’s really important in the early days to make time for yourself, getting fresh air, treating yourself to nice things and treats, and making time for loved ones.
5. Remember that it’s okay to cry
Divorce is a big, hard and difficult thing to go through – give yourself time to sob it out. And always remember to ask for help. There is so much out there to support you, and there will always be people who will make sure you’re okay.
In her more recent work, Sara has found a disturbing rise of toxic and abusive relationship traits coming to the fore in her coaching sessions.
‘Probably around 90% of my clients are in these situations,’ she explains. ‘I hear about a lot of controlling behaviour, which results in broken confidence and low self-esteem.
‘While it’s important to remember that coercive control is illegal in the UK, clients in the midst of these types of relationships are left emotionally battered and broken, needing more support when they do move their case to the courts.
‘There’s no room for mediation in a divorce if someone is hellbent on annihilation, and the family courts are not adequately designed to cope with coercive, controlling relationships.’
One-off flings, or long-standing affairs with trusted friends or even family members, are also increasingly common – but for Sara, many of her clients are forced to reimagine their marriages with a third party as the cost of living crisis may serve as a barrier for divorce.
Affairs are not necessarily a deal breaker for many couples facing divorce (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
‘I’ve had a number of clients report affairs,’ Sara explains. ‘For some people, it’s an absolute red card and marks the end, but for others, it’s something they’re willing to try and work past – be it out of love, or financial burden.
‘When clients talk of friends, or loved ones, having affairs with their partners, it’s a double betrayal – sometimes, some clients have reported feeling more hurt that they’ve been betrayed by their close friend than their actual partner.
‘In some cases, some of my clients have moved on from the initial betrayal quite quickly, but then find themselves struggling if their friend and ex-partner end up having children together, especially if my client and their partner had children originally. It can make Christmases particularly triggering. I’ve seen clients forced to return as they’re hit with a second wave of heartbreak.’
‘I’ve also seen the other side,’ Sara continues. ‘I’ve had clients where they’ve known their husbands have had children with other mistresses and they’ve paid for apartments for them in London.
‘There are people who say they don’t get divorced but you can have a mistress – those are the nights you’re with her, and those are the nights you’re with the family. You can’t judge in this line of work and sometimes splitting the family unit is going to be too upsetting and too difficult for everyone involved.’
The clients who share children are among those that find themselves struggling the most, in Sara’s experience, with the fear of an ugly split scarring their offspring eating away at many parents.
A woman smiles whilst holding a hot drink and looking out of the window of a zero waste kitchen. (Credits: Getty Images)
‘I think at the start of the process, so many clients worry that the divorce is going to define them,’ she says. ‘But it’s not what happens to you that defines you, it’s how you choose to deal with it.
‘Lots of clients express fears of damaging their kids. But a little adversity can be a very powerful learning experience. It doesn’t have to damage the kids, it can be a very important life lesson: children will all go through break ups and they’ll look at how you cope. They will learn negative behaviour If they see you stuffing negative feelings down, and emerging in another relationship.
‘If they see you face things head on, move and grow, they can learn that they too can survive hardship.’
But divorce coaching is not always heartbreak and hardship, with Sara counting numerous success stories amongst her clients.
More: Lifestyle
‘I have had two clients who have got divorced, gone away and done work on themselves and then get remarried to the same partner again, and now things are going great,’ Sara says.
‘Those stories are quite rare, but we have some many examples of people being able to restart their lives.
‘The most important aspect is to turn pain into power – the “screw you, watch this” mentality to say: “Yeah I’m broken, yeah it hurts, but I can learn some tools to help me.”
‘Divorce coaching is just helping people gain clarity about why their relationship broke down, and it can give them some clarity about what they really want from life. It’s about empowering people, and giving them the support to move on.’
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‘The most important aspect is to turn pain into power.’
