Rachel is effectively chastising women who ‘put the dude first’ (Picture: Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic)
Earlier this week, Rachel Bilson dropped a bombshell confession about her sex life.
The actress revealed that she has ‘never faked an orgasm’.
Speaking on the Broad Ideas podcast, the OC star told listeners that she doesn’t want to ‘go into that people-pleasing thing’, while also asking them if she is an ‘a**hole’ or ‘d**k’ for never having ‘given’ this to her partners.
‘It goes against my whole nature of being a people pleaser and putting the dude first,’ she added.
The moment I heard what the actor had said, annoyance began to bubble up inside me.
There are two key problems but let me start by answering Rachel’s burning question.
No, Rachel, you’re not an ‘a**hole’ for never having faked an orgasm. But you are one if you shame those who do. It shows the biterness and selfishness you carry in your life if thats all you think about.
The question itself is condescending and suggests a lack of understanding for anyone with climax concerns – like those who have anorgasmia, a medical term for anyone struggling with or being unable to orgasm, to mention but one example.
Orgasms (having and/or faking them) is a complex and deeply personal issue. It’s not as simple as ‘being a people pleaser’, if that is even a factor at all.
This successful and beautiful woman is telling women that they are just ‘giving’ away their power and pleasure to a man (Picture: Jason Kempin/Getty Images)
Problem number two: this isn’t the first time Rachel has hit the headlines for opening up about her bedroom activities and expressing opinions that might confuse others.
Just last month, the celebrity revealed that ‘you have to be on top’ to have an orgasm. To set the record straight: no – you don’t. While this might be true for Rachel, it is a sweeping statement that doesn’t reflect all women’s sexual experiences.
To level the playing field, you should know that I have faked orgasms twice in my life – once because I wanted to ‘reward’ my partner for all his hard work and I just couldn’t ‘get there’. Call me a people pleaser if you must.
The second time, I did kind of climax but not fully, and my enthusiasm wasn’t authentic.
I realised afterwards that I wasn’t doing myself or my sexual partner any favours and that orgasms, for me, aren’t the end goal.
I love climaxing but sex is about the experience.
If you are dealing with trauma or are just plain shy, discovering your inner sex goddess can be a steep hill to climb
So, like Rachel, I don’t fake orgasms – but I understand why so many women do.
While some of my friends have admitted they have done this to satisfy their partner, the real reason often goes much deeper.
It can be tied to fear of failure or fear of being a disappointing shag, or due to confidence issues.
As an example, years ago, I spoke to someone in their early 20s who said she’d had seven sexual partners and had never climaxed with a partner or solo.
She didn’t know her own body. She was afraid to talk about sex and had never raised the issue with the men she was sleeping with – giving neither them, nor herself, a chance to work on it.
Like Rachel, I don’t fake orgasms – but I understand why so many women do (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
To me, it makes complete sense that she faked her orgasms.
Some people also fear their own pleasure. For instance, if you grow up in a conservative family or environment, are dealing with trauma or are just plain shy, discovering your inner sex goddess can be a steep hill to climb.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Part of me loves that celebrities are being candid about their sex lives, like when Kim Kardashian revealed that she’s a ‘lights off’ kind of woman, implying that she too struggles with insecurities about her body.
Then there’s the other side, with Bilson’s flippant comments or when Lorraine Kelly kink-shamed young people who enjoy choking during sex.
Every person’s sexual experience is valid but I wish celebrities would be more careful with their words when talking about sex.
Although she may not have intended it, Rachel is effectively chastising women who ‘put the dude first’.
Because here she is – this successful and beautiful woman, telling them that they are just ‘giving’ away their power and pleasure to a man.
If you’re already struggling with sex or orgasms, this could trigger negative thinking or affect a person’s self-worth, making them believe something is wrong with them.
When in reality, though the numbers fluctuate a fair bit, statistics show faking orgasms is incredibly common.
In 2013, one survey, published in the Journal of Sex Research claimed 68% of women do it, while a more recent study says it’s one in five – and according to this research, one of the top reasons is apparently down to who is the breadwinner, with the implication being that women who earn more in the relationship often fake orgasms to alleviate any financial insecurity felt by their male partners.
Regardless of which figure – or motivation – is ‘correct’ (sex statistics are rarely black and white), we can assume that at least a good chunk of Brits have faked it; and the last thing anyone needs is to feel bad about it because of Rachel Bilson.
But while it’s ‘normal’ to fake orgasms, no one should feel the need to put on a performance. It can impact your wellbeing.
So I encourage you to ask yourself: why are you faking pleasure?
If it’s about people pleasing – because to play devil’s advocate, it could be – don’t admonish yourself for it. Instead, try to figure out the root cause.
And then spend time getting to know your body.
What does it feel like? What makes you tingle? Lie in bed and run your hands down your limbs. It doesn’t matter if you orgasm. Put that aside. Just enjoy the sensations.
Once you know what you like, tell (or show) your sexual partner what to do. Most importantly, explain to them that you may not orgasm but that it will still feel damn good.
As for Rachel’s ill-phrased comments, ignore them because sex isn’t meant to be a power play about who to ‘put first’ (unless we’re talking fantasies). Keeping a tally just breeds animosity.
Your sexual partner should acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, and women do tend to have less orgasms so I hope that the men who read this check in with their partners.
That being said, we all deserve a sexual partner who cares about our pleasure, regardless of gender.
Be a ‘you pleaser’.
‘It goes against my whole nature of being a people pleaser and putting the dude first,’ the actress said. Or maybe its the only way she can stay relavent, by invoking the selfish and darkside in other women, those few who will listen.