Work on yourself while you attract others (Picture: Getty)
‘He has no emotional intelligence.’
A common dating complaint by many, and yet working on yourself isn’t a requirement before seeing people.
One new app with a waitlist of 400 people is hoping to change that, and make dating a healthier experience of us all.
Richa Raval is founder and CEO of upcoming app Pair. The idea is that people build healthy, secure relationships by learning skills using bite-sized tools and exercises created by relationship psychologists.
Users will learn about attachment styles, love languages, core values, needs, communication techniques, conflict styles, boundaries, and emotional availability. Then, users are connected with others learning the same things.
Richa says the app is designed to ‘avoid timewasters’.
‘We limit the number of active conversations a user can have at the same time, and limit the time they can chat on app before we prompt them to go on a video call or an in-person date,’ she says.
‘Alongside this we continue to provide tools and resources to help users navigate early dating and early phases of relationships so users can start off with a strong and healthy foundation.’
Richa believes we have been in relationships of all kinds since we were born, and yet, we have never learned how to be in a healthy relationship.
‘Instead, by default, we learn how to be in relationships from our earliest relationships with our caregivers, which is not always healthy,’ she adds.
‘This influences how we choose partners and how we feel and behave in relationships as adults.
‘So if we grew up around unhealthy relationship dynamics, we will continue the patterns by choosing partners that feel familiar to this insecure dynamic.’
Promoting a self-aware approach, she’s keen for people to learn and grow before putting themselves in the dating pool – hopefully then avoiding ghosting, breadcrumbing and all the other crap norms of modern dating.
The timing could be just right. Studies show that more people since the pandemic – especially Gen Z and millennials, who dating apps tend to target – are going to therapy and want healthier relationships.
Hinge found in a recent survey that 97% of their users said they prefer to date someone that actively works on their mental health, and 91% prefer to date someone that goes to therapy.
Richa wants to move the conversation on from having ‘fun’ dating apps, instead towards thinking about the impact dating has on your mental wellbeing – and finding ways to make it better.
She’s also keen to build in the idea of lovers talking more openly from the off, rather than approaching remedying tools like couples therapy when ‘unhealthy patterns [are] hardwired into the relationship’.
In order to help people learn about themselves, the app will have ‘Duolingo style’ exercises, categorised as Learn, Reflect and Practice.
Learning exercises will be in the form of short videos, Reflection exercises will involve either quizzes or interactive journal prompts, and Practice exercises will include short scenario based questions.
The modules are made with relationship psychologists and therapists.
There’s a lot to learn for everyone, but Richa thinks cis, straight men in particular could benefit from a dating approach like this.
‘I do think there is an emotional intelligence gap,’ Richa admits.
‘Heterosexual men have historically been taught to be “tough”, not express their feelings and be providers.
‘But now most women don’t need providers, but need emotional availability, emotional intelligence, healthy communication, intimacy and all the things that make relationships healthy, deep and meaningful.
‘Research has found that men are ending up single for longer because they are not able to meet these needs in a relationship.
‘They would need to consciously think about their intention to be in a relationship, and be willing to learn relationship skills, go to therapy, unpack their emotions, and show up in a healthy, vulnerable and authentic way.
‘Pair is finally providing a space for these men and women to close this gap in skills and meet partners to build healthy patterns right from the first date.’
We could all do with swatting up a little more on what it means to be in a healthy relationship.
You can find out more about Pair here, which is due to launch on Apple and Android.
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You’ll learn about attachment styles, boundaries…and commitment.
