There was no legal document to make our ‘wedding’ official (Picture: Sharon Kilgannon)
Standing in front of the fountain, both of us dressed head to toe in white, it was hard not to get swept up in the moment.
We’d picked out rings, each had a bouquet and were about to say ‘I Do’ at our make-shift altar with our friends and family watching on.
To the unassuming eye, this was a wedding ceremony like any other. Only, instead of traditional binary cues, ours celebrated us as the individuals we are. As ‘partners in life’ as opposed to ‘husband and wife’.
But while rings and a kiss were exchanged, there was no legal document to make this ‘marriage’ binding, and until the law changes to recognise non-binary people like us, there never will be.
Being the romantic sap that I am, I was the first to blurt out, ‘I love you’.
It was only within a few weeks that those three words tumbled out to my now-partner, Ugla, after a whirlwind romance in Italy seven years ago.
Our ceremony ended with chips on the beach (Picture: Sharon Kilgannon)
Soon, we made it Facebook official, as you did then, and six months later, my partner moved from Iceland to reside in Brighton, with me and my dog, Soldier Blue.
It was a huge step, but because of our deep connection, we felt it was the right one and Ugla took it in their stride.
‘When you know, you know,’ they said before quitting their job, ending the lease on their apartment and selling a massive collection of their belongings to move to this damp and densely populated island.
To connect with someone is one of the most important things in life and it was, and is, exhilarating to meet someone who is a great match, and with whom I share such a deep connection.
Romantic that I am, I was the first to say ‘I love you’ (Picture: Sharon Kilgannon)
Like with all couples in such secure relationships, our thoughts are starting to turn to the future.
And while I’ve never pictured myself going down the conventional marriage and kids route, it’d be nice to be able to have the option of wedding my partner.
But as we are both non-binary, it’s a bit more complicated than that.
In fact, it’s impossible.
Non-binary people are not legally recognised in the UK and in order to get married, you need to procure a birth certificate that can only have M or F on it.
As it stands I haven’t changed mine and it still says F on it – mainly because I’d have to go through a long-winded and dehumanising process in order to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate, which would then allow me to change my birth certificate.
But even if I changed it to M, it still wouldn’t be accurate. So I’m stuck in an outdated and archaic system that doesn’t recognise who I am.
This means that none of my ID or official information actually reflect me. And when it comes to marriage, myself and other non-binary people, definitely don’t have the same rights as other people in this country.
To the outside world we may be perceived as any other cisgender heterosexual couple but I am a trans masculine non-binary person, and my partner Ugla is a trans femme.
That means that, because of the legal status of non-binary people in the UK, if we were to marry today the ceremony would, automatically, include misgendering.
Misgendering is when someone uses a pronoun that doesn’t reflect who someone is, like if someone were to use the pronoun ‘she’ to refer to me.
While most people wouldn’t necessarily understand the impact this can have, it can be incredibly distressing and frustrating. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally become confident enough in who I am not to let misgendering affect me.
Non-binary people lack legal representation in the UK (Picture: Sharon Kilgannon)
However, that’s not to say it never happens – though these days I’m only misgendered out of malice by strangers who discover I am trans.
Even so, it’s deeply unfair that I’d have to put up with misgendering on an occasion like my wedding day.
Supposedly it should be the happiest day of my life, but being forced to be misgendered because of legal technicalities and the UK’s inability to legally recognise people like me is not just wrong, but deeply unjust. It would, in short, totally ruin the day for me.
For trans people, it can be helpful for them to go through the process of updating their birth certificate, but there’s no way for non-binary people like me to have an accurate version of ours, because we don’t identify as a male or female.
It is sad to see how Britain is behind other countries on non-binary recognition.
My partner is from Iceland, one of a number of countries, including Denmark and Canada, which legally recognise non-binary identities.
Ugla started their medical transition at age 17, and grew into the sassy classy femme they are today.
This year we celebrated seven years together, and we reflected on the fact that we had been ‘married’ – but only as a protest.
Our decision to get hitched as non-binary was a way to highlight issues facing non-binary people, for our documentary I Am They.
On that sunny winter’s day in 2018 we paid £15 for two rings from a stall in Brighton, we both wore white and my friend Oli (who is also non-binary) performed the ceremony which played on the absurdity of the traditional ceremonies’ focus on binary gender identities.
Later, the weather cleared up and we ate chips by the sea and talked about how surprisingly emotional our protest ceremony had been.
More from Platform
Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media.
Find some of our best reads of the week below:
Maria Cohut explains why asking her where her accent is from is an insulting question.
Parenting columnist Sarah Whiteley makes a case for ditching the six-week summer holidays in favour of a four-week break.
Anthony and Bidemi’s son Levi is non-verbal. When he started telling them he was in pain, they knew something was horribly wrong.
And finally, Rosie Mullender tells the story of how she met her fiancé – the guy who commented on every one of her tweets to correct her grammar.
While the UK has seen a worrying push-back of trans rights, fuelled by mis-information in parts of the media by a vocal minority, in my partner’s native Iceland, LGBT+ rights are far more advanced.
Put simply, if we wanted to get married as non-binary in Ugla’s home country, we could. But there’s no guarantee that it would be recognised in Britain.
In the UK we need to recognise that people identifying under the non-binary umbrella isn’t new, and isn’t going away any time soon, no matter how much hatred towards us is stirred up.
The UK needs to urgently recognise non-binary gender identities in law. That means allowing non-binary people to be fully recognised on all forms of ID.
In countries that have passed such laws, this has been marked as ‘X’ on ID like passports and there is no real reason why the UK can’t follow suit.
Because as much as we like to believe marriage equality exists already in the UK, it won’t truly exist until every one of us can get married exactly as who we are.
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Non-binary people are not legally recognised in the UK.