Who said you can’t stay friends with an ex? (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
Every day throughout lockdown, our little family – including my teenage son, Oska, and husband, Guy – would play a game of Rummikub (it’s a bit like Scrabble, but with numbers).
Or our favourite, the simple five-dice game called 5,000. Or pop the TV on and slouch in front of it altogether to watch Netflix’s Top Boy.
This probably sounds like any other family during lockdown in 2020, but my husband and I were actually separated.
We’d been married for over 15 years by this point, but we stayed living together for a couple of years – and, for the most part, it was completely amicable.
So I say: Who said you can’t stay friends with an ex? Or, indeed, continue living with one.
Communication is key (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
I first met Guy in 1998 when I interviewed him for a job at the advertising agency I worked in at the time. ‘I know you,’ he said during our very first exchange. ‘I’ve seen you on the number 2 bus in Brixton.’
I was immediately intrigued to get to know him. We clicked instantly – I thought he was so cute, gentle, cool and kind. He also had this huge head of curly hair.
Around three months after our first meeting, we ended up at a company function together and he couldn’t keep his hands off me, which I loved.
Not long after, he asked me out on a date to the London Zoo, which we both hated because the animals just looked so sad. So we ditched that and ended up getting fish and chips and sitting in a park instead.
Throughout it all, our marriage was amazing (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
We just had so much in common – we both adored camping, good food and adventures. So we made the relationship official quite quickly, then I moved into his place in Brixton.
Within a year, we bought a flat in Brighton together and would commute to London everyday. Unfortunately, in 2002, we both took voluntary redundancy, but with the money from that, we went travelling to Thailand.
That’s when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t really in the plan, but I was 32 so I knew I wasn’t getting any younger.
By that point, we’d been together for over four years so we decided that it was time to be adults and go back to Brighton to settle down a bit, where I waddled down the aisle for our wedding in a gold boob tube while five months pregnant.
We both knew something had changed with our relationship (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
Then Oska was born in 2003. Even though I developed postnatal depression after a traumatic birth, we both loved him dearly.
Throughout it all, our marriage was amazing. In fact, we were the couple everyone seemed to come to for advice about their own relationships. Of course, we had our ups and downs – like anyone else – but, for the most part, it was great.
During this time, we even bought a VW campervan and would jump in it on a Friday night and spend weekends as a family camping. That allowed us to be spontaneous, like going for holidays in France or travelling around all summer.
Oska was born in 2003 (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
A separation was what I thought was for the best for us (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
Within a few years, Guy’s career as a graphic designer skyrocketed so we actually moved to Portland, Oregon in the US in 2013. This was tough for me initially because he was working and Oska was at school, but I couldn’t get a job and didn’t really know anyone.
Eventually, I found my footing – including starting a hiking (with wine!) group for mums, getting involved with Oska’s school and finding incredibly uplifting fitness groups. Guy, on the other hand, found US corporate culture difficult, which meant that – because we were suddenly experiencing life very differently – we started to drift apart.
Over time, he quit his job and started freelancing. At one point, he even found work in New York, which was originally a three-month contract but turned into 18 months. I stayed in Oregon with Oska for his schooling, which caused a physical rift on top of an emotional one too.
It helped that there was no affair and there was no huge bust-up (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
We tried to see each other once or twice a month, but we both knew something had changed with our relationship.
That’s when we started couples’ therapy, which didn’t seem to help us – we just couldn’t find our way back to each other, even though Guy was living back with us again.
Then the pandemic and ensuing lockdown happened. Around the same time, my mother’s dementia got really bad so I was allowed to fly back to the UK to be with her.
Lou with Oska and Guy (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
Fairly soon, we got into a groove (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
When I came back to Oregon a few months later, I stayed in the spare room for two weeks to quarantine – but after that was over, I told Guy that I was just going to keep sleeping in there. A separation was what I thought was for the best for us.
Soon after, we told a now-16-year-old Oska that we would continue living together – due to the lockdown and how expensive another place would be – but that we had decided to separate.
We said we wanted to try to figure out what this new dynamic would look like because we knew it was doable – it helped that there was no affair and there was no huge bust-up.
At the end of the day, we knew couples who had separated or divorced and it got really messy. But we wanted to set an example to our son that we could co-parent and live together, even if we were no longer together.
Even if you fall out of romantic love for someone, it doesn’t mean that you don’t still care for them. Fairly soon, we got into a groove.
We’d rotate who would get the car, as well as make sure to have dinner altogether on a Sunday night. Guy would make my favourite dish – garlic chilli spaghetti – and we’d watch any wildlife documentary we could get our hands on.
I’m very proud of the relationship we will continue to build around Oska and out of our friendship (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
A lot of people thought it was strange that we still lived together or they didn’t ‘get’ how well we often got on together, but it worked for us.
The reason why I eventually moved out was because I bought a bus, renovated it and decided to take it on the road around the States giving talks to empower women. In fact, I set a date for 21 June 2022 in our family calendar and counted down the six months until my tour.
It was the right time for me to move out – two years after separating from Guy – because Oska was going to college in the States anyway.
Today, I live in the UK but I go back to visit both Guy and Oska regularly – and it’s perfectly cordial with the former whenever I do.
We survived living together after separating and you can, too (Picture: Lou Featherstone)
I really enjoy seeing him when I have been back to visit. It’s still hard to see him though and I miss him in many ways but I’m very proud of the relationship we will continue to build around Oska and out of our friendship.
My advice to anyone living with an ex – either out of necessity or choice – is to set ground rules early on. Figure out the logistics, like bills, rules for dating other people or childcare (if applicable).
Communication is key, so don’t be afraid to schedule time to have a walk with each other or sit down for a cup of tea to chat things through. Kindness, forgiveness and understanding are so important to establish early on.
Even though we don’t live together anymore, Guy and I are in a good place now. We survived living together after separating and you can, too.
As told to James Besanvalle
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE : I love my son – but I chose work over staying home with him
MORE : After a divorce at 41, I channeled my anger into boxing
MORE : I sleep in a separate bed from my husband – but there’s nothing wrong with our marriage
We wanted to set an example to our son that we could co-parent and live together.
