When Ava arrived healthy, pink and noisy, I was totally thrilled (Picture: Kayla McQuatter)

I still remember the day I booked a bed on the maternity ward shortly before my youngest daughter Ava was born.

‘Do you have other children?’ A nurse asked me before enquiring about the age gap between Ava and her older sister, Danny. 

I hesitated for a moment, worrying about her reaction, before replying ‘21 years.’

Her stunned expression came as no surprise to me – I’d been getting similar reactions throughout my pregnancy.

It didn’t bother me – people didn’t judge and after the initial shock usually just treated me like any other expectant mother. Of course, I wasn’t just any expectant mother.

I had a daughter old enough to be a mum herself, and the insight I got from raising her has changed the way I parent my youngest.

I’ve gone from someone who was so worried about their parenting that they sought medical advice, to being relaxed and confident in my choices.

Ava was my miracle baby. I had wanted to have a second child from the time Danny was two, but an undiagnosed autoimmune condition made falling (and staying) pregnant difficult. 

After 10 years, I accepted that Danny would be our only child. 

As Danny grew, so did my confidence (Picture: Nicci Attfield)

I had her when I was in my mid twenties, and as such that came with its fair share of advantages and anxieties. 

Everything was new to me – I was so young and I didn’t have confidence yet in my parenting abilities. 

It often felt crazy to me that so much of my role as a parent was trying to guide Danny through this world when I was still learning and guiding myself.

A big factor in my early parenting approach was how much I worried about other people’s opinions. 

Most of the fellow parents I knew when Danny was young were older than me, in their 30s, and I assumed they knew more than me about what it meant to be a mother. 

So I fretted constantly, always comparing my approach with that of other mothers, micro-managing Danny’s life. 

Even in a world before iPads, I limited her screen time. I also believed a routine would help Danny to feel secure. This meant strict rules on time outside, baths and bedtime.

Even down to things like food, I’d constantly compare Danny’s often unpredictable meal choices with her school friends’, who, their parents claimed, would eat salads, olives, and lots of organic produce, as opposed to Danny’s preferred chicken drumsticks and beans. 

In hindsight, I think all mums want to be perfect, and there was some competition going on. The healthier the child is, the better the mother. Whenever we spent time together, their kids would eat just what Danny did.

My stress over how my parenting was impacting my daughter got so bad that I went to the doctor to try and get advice.

Luckily he told me that Danny was already having her needs met and to trust my instincts. 

As I slowly became aware of what Danny needed and wanted from me, I learned to tune out other voices who, whether they meant it or not, just made me feel bad in comparison.

I’d constantly compare Danny’s often unpredictable food choices with her school friends (Picture: Nicci Attfield)

If I wanted advice, I knew where to ask for it, and how. I found a community of honest mothers, both in my friends and in online communities who could share thoughts and experiences, and appreciated every single one. 

As Danny grew, so did my confidence, and she is now a wonderful 24-year-old woman living with her partner.

I had resolved to stop trying for another pregnancy, but in 2019, aged 44, I fell pregnant with Ava. 

As excited as I was though, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. We were very concerned about the pregnancy. I was scared of miscarrying and the loss this would bring to our family.

I was nervous about the age gap. Would I be able to run around after a new little one the way I had with Danny? I was much older after all.

I’m guided by Ava (Picture: Nicci Attfield)

When Ava arrived healthy, pink and noisy, I was totally thrilled. 

My nerves eased. I felt like a rusty but competent parent. I had done this before, and I had learned so much about myself. 

I knew I could do it – because I already had.

Aged 48, a full 21 years since I’d had Danny, I had become stronger, less anxious and less inclined to compare myself to or try and emulate other parents. 

The worries I had with Danny no longer existed with Ava.

Ava doesn’t watch a lot of television anyway – she would much rather be outside, spending time in the garden – but I’m far more chilled about screen time now. So when rainy afternoons roll around, I don’t feel anxious about her watching Pooh Bear for a little while.

With Ava I follow her lead an awful lot more, being guided by her as much as guiding her.

Watching Danny continue to grow, seeing her fall in love with art and create toys for her sister, is proof that I can do a good job.

Of course, there will still be things to learn with Ava, and I’m excited to do it with her.

Most importantly though, I am more sure of myself now.

I don’t believe I have all the answers, but after two daughters over 20 years apart, at least I feel I understand the questions.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

Share your views in the comments below.

MORE : WWE star Carmella gives birth after 60-hour labour

MORE : David Mitchell, 49, dishevelled after birth of second baby with Victoria Coren Mitchell, 51

MORE : Mum gives birth in coma after rare ‘brain on fire’ disease left her with an American accent

A big factor in my early parenting approach was how much I worried about other people’s opinions.