‘I knew he was gay, and I’m a straight woman.’ (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
‘I didn’t know how to place the connection between us. I knew he was gay, and I’m a straight woman, but it felt beyond that.’
Confronting social norms – especially around sex and relationships – is never easy. It is often met with a mix of celebration, confusion, and critique.
But that hasn’t stopped LA-dwellers Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone (who, as actors and content creators, don’t want to reveal their ages) from sharing their relationship with the world.
In a now-viral video titled ‘Yes I’m gay and YES I have a girlfriend’, the couple opened themselves up to a barrage of comments, and have since posted follow-up videos to further address their dynamic.
Speaking exclusively to Metro.co.uk, Jacob and Samantha – who plan to get married and have a child – have discussed more about their closed, sexual relationship of six years.
‘We both got cast in a musical in 2016 and met in rehearsal. There was this instant bond and we decided to hang out that night – we stayed out till 4am,’ Jacob says.
This became their norm, socialising at any given opportunity, but always platonically. They both worried the other would ‘get sick’ of them – but that was never the case.
Samantha says: ‘I had never felt that way with any friend or anyone in my life.
‘I felt such a strong magnetism and was comfortable immediately, it was like I’d known him for a thousand years. When we’d say goodbye after hanging out all night, I’d still miss him.’
They were strictly platonic for 16 months, until an epiphany moment caused Samantha to confront Jacob about their feelings for each other.
‘It feels so powerful.’ (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
Samantha had continued to work in San Diego while Jacob went back to Los Angeles, though he came to visit on the opening night of her next show.
‘Jacob was so enamoured and looking at me with such pride,’ Samantha says.
‘I felt like it was my night because he was there in the audience. It was like I’d won an Olympic gold medal.’
Two weeks later, confused by the dynamic of their friendship, Samantha went to an energy healer to find clarity.
‘I spoke about Jacob and said “My best friend and I have this connection I just can’t explain. It feels so powerful. I don’t know where to place it,” she says.
‘The healer said while telling her this, I was touching where my umbilical cord would be, and she could see a spiritual cord between us.
‘I don’t know how much I was drinking up her Kool Aid at this point, or if she just said exactly what I needed to hear, but it felt like a moment of certainty.’
More than just a friend (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
Samantha then sent a text to Jacob to ask how he felt.
‘Do you ever feel more for me than just a friend?’ read the message, to which he replied ‘What do you mean?’ even though he ‘knew what it meant’. It was a confusing moment for Jacob.
‘It was shocking to get that text – I was excited and scared,’ Jacob says.
‘Immediately I felt a fear that… part of me was like “Wow, I want to be with Samantha, this is a dream come true”. But another part of me was like how am I going to be in a successful relationship with a woman?
‘We then met up to talk and it became so easy. It surprised me about how easy it was to be with Samantha.’
She adds: ‘The second we first kissed each other, it felt like we’ve been reunited from maybe a previous lifetime.
‘Like a puzzle piece, or two halves coming together in a metaphysical sense, like we were sewn back as one.’
These spiritual ideas don’t resonate with Jacob, but he knew he felt something more than just friendship.
‘I’d never really been in an adult relationship before,’ Jacob says.
‘There aren’t words for our love for each other. It’s so strange how practical, easy and yet difficult it is. It’s seen us through so much – it’s always there and it feels like it always will be there.’
‘There aren’t words for our love for each other.’ (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
People often have questions about their sex lives, and Jacob is adamant he’s fulfilled by this relationship, despite being gay.
Jacob says: ‘I never feel the need to go outside of the relationship and Samantha is all I could ever want.
‘In the six years we’ve been together, I’ve never felt that way. I am still attracted to men of course, but I don’t miss having sexual intimacy with men.
‘People comment I’m “trapped” – how am I trapped? This is my life and my choice. It’s more than I could ever have thought I could want from a person.’
Not as many people have enquired about what it’s like for Samantha, not being desired by her partner in the usual sense – as Jacob has joked online he doesn’t look at her breasts in a lustful way, given his sexual identity.
She says: ‘The way I experience desire from Jacob, honestly it feels like the most chivalrous, classy, and appreciating desire I’ve known.
‘When he looks at my body, I feel like he is so into me, because it’s not just a body, it’s my body.
‘He never looks at me or touches me in a way that isn’t respectful. He shows he cherishes me and yearns to be close.’
Desire for them is beyond just the physical, it’s about who they are to each other as a whole.
‘I have plenty of gay best friends and I love them deeply but this is not, “I have a gay best friend and I love them a lot”,’ she adds.
They both find it hard to pin down the nuance in their relationship, agreeing it’s unlike any other romantic connection they’ve experienced.
The best Samantha can do to describe their love for each other is to compare it to ‘the feeling of waking up on your birthday – that’s the level of joy and excitement. The world feels so colourful’.
They’ve had moments of difficulty though, as they sought out couples therapy some years ago to help them better understand their relationship.
During that process, their therapist confided in them she is a straight woman married to a woman, which helped them feel less alone in their dynamic.
Thankfully, their friends and family have been understanding – despite what some on the outside think.
Jacob does not identify as Bi or pansexual (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
Jacob says: ‘Our families were so supportive. At the time, I wasn’t out to my family, so they were just seeing this relationship and knew Samantha as my friend. My mum was elated.
‘Our friends were like it’s “about time”. We have friends that are in similar relationships and that’s been one of the things that’s gotten us to say we need to talk publicly about this.’
Samantha continues: ‘It exists and some of these people have children. Mixed orientation relationships is a term we’ve only heard in the last few days, and it’s the closest match we can find. Jacob says he is gay because he believes in his definition of “gay” that’s what he is.’
This is where the couple have faced the harshest criticism and misunderstanding.
When Jacob made that video on TikTok, loads of viewers ‘snapped back’.
‘They gave me all these other labels, like pansexual,’ Jacob says. ‘The reason I say I’m gay is because I’m trying to accurately define what goes on in my head.
‘To me, bisexual implies you like both sexes, but I feel gay because I solely feel attraction to men and Samantha is the only exception to that. That’s why it’s unique.
‘It’s difficult for people to hear and some have suggested I’m talking about conversion therapy, encouraging gay people to get into heteronormative relationships, and it’s like no not at all – we’re just trying to open up the world to our very specific dynamic, which is a gay man in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.’
‘Hearts, not parts.” (Picture: Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone)
An academic paper on mixed-orientation relationships (called MOR or MOREs), says: ‘Research on MOREs that looks beyond the traditional viewpoint of MOMs [mixed-orientation marriage] is needed in order to better understand the particular challenges, as well as the unique resiliency factors, seen within these non-traditional relationships.’
There’s a lack of information out there, which is why Samantha and Jacob have decided to tell their story.
‘It’s important for anyone who is in this same dynamic Samantha and I share that they’re not alone,’ he says.
‘It’s something that should be commonly understood in our society, and you should never close yourself off to someone who could be your soulmate because your sexual preference is different.
‘I think there could be a lot of people out there shutting out possibility if they find that connection, because the fear is overpowering.’
Samantha adds: ‘I believe our souls have known each other in a previous life, this is just the form or shell they’re in now.
‘Hearts, not parts.’
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