Who marries someone they’ve been with for just over half a year? (Picture: Seth Ernic)
Pulling on my shoes, I was just about to leave the house when my phone pinged with a message from Sarah*.
We’d been friends since we were teenagers and, pleased to see her name pop up, I slowed down to open it.
‘I’m getting married soon!’ she’d written. ‘Can you come?’
My heart immediately sank. Yes, I was happy for her but I also believed it was an extremely risky move.
After all, she’d only been dating this guy for half a year – who marries someone they’ve been with for that short a time?
Plus, she was just 26. Far too young to be tying the knot.
I genuinely believe getting married in your mid-20s is a huge mistake – and that was exactly what I went on to tell Sarah. That I didn’t want her to get married now and regret it later.
Thus ensued a flurry of back-and-forth messages, which ended with me sending a six-minute voice note, pleading with her to be smart about this.
The thing is, I genuinely felt I had to say something.
I’m 26 too, and I’m fully aware that your 20s are about finding yourself (Picture: Seth Ernic)
I know so many women who got married in their 20s, only to divorce their partners in their 30s. They all tell me that they wish someone was there to remind them that your 20s are your first decade of being an adult.
Even those who are still married agree you have to be absolutely insane to get wed at that age.
They tell me that you haven’t got enough life experience to choose a partner who you’ll be tied to for the next 50 years, give or take.
And they are completely right.
I’m 26 too, and I’m fully aware that your 20s are about finding yourself, learning how you want to live. Not for making decisions that will determine the rest of your life.
While you absolutely can grow and travel while you are still married, I grew most as a person when I visited eight countries in three months when I was 25. I am so grateful for the fact that I wasn’t tethered to a person back then, that I could meet new people, see new sights and find out more about myself.
In life, one needs to learn how to stand alone, before you can stand with someone else.
Even science backs me up. The prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that intelligently regulates our thoughts, actions and emotions – only fully develops in females during mid-twenties.
Why on earth would you make such a huge life decision at a time when your brain is still learning how to executively function?
The answer, I have concluded, is down to pop culture. Last year Millie Bobby Brown from Stranger Things – who is just a mere 19 – announced her engagement. It seems like ‘starter marriages’ have suddenly become the cool thing, thanks to celebrities.
Sarah isn’t my first friend to get married at a young age (Picture: Seth Ernic)
A starter marriage is a short-lived first marriage that is often less than five years – and one that ends before the age of 30.
Even though neither of my friends – nor these celebrities – have turned 30 yet, I have no doubt that all these marriages will dissolve by the time they hit that age.
So many of them do.
As well as numerous people I know personally, Emily Ratajkowski got married when she was 26 and divorced her husband when she hit 30. Uma Thurman married Gary Oldman when she was 20, but they divorced when she was 22. Scarlett Johansson married Ryan Reynolds when she was 23. They separated a year later and then finalised their divorce another year down the road.
Sarah isn’t my first friend to get married at a young age.
At the beginning of this year, one who is in her early 20s tied the knot.
I brought up my reservations with her too. I told her that I didn’t know my elbow from my stomach when I was her age and, even now, I would never make the decisions now that I did when I was her age.
I didn’t know my elbow from my stomach when I was in my early 20s (Picture: Seth Ernic)
She told me that she had been with her boyfriend long enough and didn’t see the point of dating other men. She had seen two other guys apart from him and concluded he was The One.
She seemed so convinced, I bit my tongue. Yet, while I was at her wedding, I couldn’t stop pitying her. For the life and experiences she was going to miss out on.
This was exactly why I felt I had to be firmer with Sarah.
In my voice note, I tried to remind her that you get your twenties once in this lifetime.
I asked her to consider the conservative nature of her family, who I knew wouldn’t approve of a divorce if her marriage didn’t work out.
I also pointed out that this is the first guy she has been in a stable relationship with. That only at the start of this year, we were both talking about our non-existent dating lives and she was confiding in me about how she feels inexperienced in the world of dating.
She never replied to that voice note.
I tried to remind her that you get your twenties once in this lifetime (Picture: Seth Ernic)
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I texted her recently to ask if she was still getting married. She told me she was and that she wasn’t happy with how I reacted.
I explained that my reaction was only out of concern and she seemed to understand. I still feel like I did the right thing, even though I highly doubt we will be friends after this.
I genuinely believe starter marriages usually occur when someone’s trying to look for a quick fix. Both of my friends have always lived with their mums and dads and I know both of them hate the amount of control their parents exert on them.
Getting married seems like the golden ticket to escape that lifestyle.
I understand people have different opinions but I’ve seen so many people who married young and are still stuck in unhappy marriages, that I wonder why anyone would be willing to risk that outcome.
Even if I met ‘The One’ now, I’d still insist on waiting until our 30s to get married. But at the minute I’m actively dating because I realise the importance of playing the field and knowing what else is out there before settling.
I know how much work needs to be done to become the best version of myself – mentally as well as financially – before I think about co-signing my life away.
I just wish my friends did too.
*Names have been changed
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I genuinely felt I had to say something.