For a while there I thought I’d simply lost another friend (Picture: Seth Ernic)
‘Love you.’
Normally, I love to hear these words – from family, friends, and partners. But this time, I felt awkward. Uneasy even.
After all, I’d only met the girl, Maria*, who’d declared her feelings so earnestly to me two months ago.
I didn’t recognise it then, but looking back, this was a classic example of ‘friend bombing’. It’s a phenomenon like love bombing, only rather than bombarding a romantic partner with excessive attention, admiration and affection, you’re doing it to a friend.
And it should be taken as much as a red flag in a new friendship as it should in a relationship.
Maria and I had met at a speed-dating event and bonded when the pool of eligible men in the event was non-existent.
She was full of spirit. We sat with others, making a big group at a table and laughed all night exchanging dating disasters.
So by the end of the night, it had been her number I’d taken and we’d been exchanging voice notes ever since.
Most of our conversations were about dates gone wrong, and it was at the end of one of her rants about a guy she was seeing – where I’d pointed out a few clear warning signals – that she’d told me she loved me.
After a minute’s pause, I typed back, ‘Love you too’. It seemed like the only appropriate response, after all.
Not long after, things with Maria began to deteriorate quickly (Picture: Seth Ernic)
But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.
While I love female friendships and the intimacy that comes with it, it felt like it was too much too soon. It’s one thing saying that sentence to my female friends whom I have known for two years or more, it’s another thing saying it to someone I’ve known for less than two months.
And that wasn’t the only thing.
As soon as we met, Maria would send me up to 30 minutes’ worth of voice notes every day.
And about a month into our friendship, she put me in a WhatsApp group with seven other girls whom I have never met. It became apparent they were all people she’d met at other dating events, and it felt strange to be thrust into a conversation with a bunch of strangers.
Then, she told me she was planning a Christmas dinner at a restaurant and wanted us all to come.
On the day, all but one of the other girls, named Sandra*, cancelled. I’d been thinking about doing the same thing myself but, feeling bad that everyone had let her down, I went along.
It ended up being just the three of us, but it wasn’t exactly a festive fun time.
While Sandra and I instantly hit it off, Maria would try to cut us off and steer attention back to her.
She also seemed more concerned with taking selfies than enjoying our company. It was fun for a while but it quickly got exhausting, constantly smiling for the camera.
When I confronted her, she accused me of not being supportive, of bullying, jealousy even (Picture: Seth Ernic)
Not long after, things with Maria began to deteriorate quickly.
She had this incessant need for communication, to discuss every aspect of her life and comment on mine. But what became unbearable was her obsessive nature over finding a boyfriend.
I was rapidly growing tired of discussing boys, especially as she’d often ask for my advice, then do the complete opposite.
She’d talk constantly about a guy she was dating and I spent hours soothing her when she was spiralling because of his inconsistencies.
Even when I was hospitalised for serious food poisoning, she still kept raging about him.
I’d listen endlessly as she’d debate whether or not to go on a date, or obsess about why he left her messages on read.
As I talked to Sandra, she told me she’d receive calls after midnight too and we both realised that we were receiving non-stop voice notes every day about the same things.
Yet whenever I tried to share my own dating woes, she’d simply comment on my standards, insinuating that they were unrealistic, before turning the conversation back to her.
Gradually it became clear that Maria didn’t see us as friends, she was using us as therapists and had no interest in us.
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The final strike to our friendship came about a week before my birthday when Maria intentionally booked a meal with Sandra and a friend I had introduced her to, at the same place where I was planning to celebrate.
As trivial as that might sound, it really upset me. I’d wanted all my friends to experience that place for the first time on my birthday, and she knew that.
To me, it seemed quite sneaky and underhanded. I found out about it from Sandra and felt completely disregarded – she could have waited a week to go there.
When I confronted her, she accused me of not being supportive, of bullying, jealousy even. She even accused Sandra of being a gossip for telling me.
Harsh as it seems, that was when we both decided to cut Maria off.
Through a voice note, we told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, that we couldn’t be her full-time therapists.
Predictably, that didn’t go down well and she told us she didn’t want to be friends with us anyway.
For a while there I thought I’d simply lost another friend.
But then I came across the term ‘love bombing’ via TikTok and realised that was exactly what Maria did to me – only with platonic, rather than romantic, love.
Looking back now, I realise Maria’s behaviour was as erratic as the men who have love-bombed me in relationships.
She had no intention of reciprocating effort and would often have tantrums when she didn’t get her way.
Maybe I was too harsh? (Picture: Seth Ernic)
Just like the men I’d dated, her words never matched their actions. She never seemed to live up to her side of the friendship – the effort and advice I put in should have gone both ways.
This experience was not only exhausting, but it made me question my own sense of judgement.
I had wondered if the issues with our friendship were my fault, just like I did with my exes.
Maybe I was too harsh? Should I have had more patience with her?
But this made me realise it was right to cut her off.
And this is exactly why it’s important to talk about love-bombing. We are so quick to see it as a red flag in romantic relationships, but we should also be looking for them in platonic ones too.
Friendships require the same level of emotional investment that relationships do, so the signs should be the same.
Nowadays, I’m quick to distance myself from demanding friendships where there is no room to breathe and my advice to you is to do the same.
You shouldn’t allow yourself to tolerate from a friend what you wouldn’t tolerate from a partner.
*Names have been changed
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She told me she loved me two months into our friendship.
