I fell off the wagon and learned valuable lesson about sobriety

Toxic positivity can be exasperating and counterproductive (Picture: Jason Reid)

I started the day by staring up at the ceiling.

I don’t know how long I lay there – but I couldn’t stop mentally admonishing myself repeatedly for losing sight of what is vitally important to me right now.

It was October 2023, the day after a spectacular slip in my sobriety.

Despite sleeping well, I was completely exhausted. All those post-booze blues – blues I’d not experienced for some time because of sustained sobriety – were back and worse than ever. 

More than anything, I felt bitterly disappointed in myself – like I’d impulsively upturned a jigsaw that I’d been working on meticulously and with great pride. All that hard work… gone.

I felt like a failure. The guilt and shame was all-consuming. Ultimately, the only one to blame was myself.

For too long, alcohol was the focal point of my social life. By the time I reached my late 30s – having then worked in nightlife for over 15 years where drinking went hand in hand with the job – I felt trapped in a cycle of drinking to excess that was increasingly impacting my state of mind adversely. 

The realisation that I was haphazardly staggering through life hit me about two years ago when I was pondering my future. This was the impetus to cut down and then give sobriety a go.

Being sober made me feel much more energised and physically awake – whereas before I’d be exhausted by early evening, then either drink to get a second wind or nest down for the night. I was able to get much more done.

I spiral and don’t know when to stop (Picture: Jason Reid)

I also felt stronger mentally and emotionally during sobriety. Less agitated; more present and there for myself and my needs. My thoughts were clearer.

On the rare occasion that I do now drink, I tend to assess the risks of the situation beforehand as best I can – ensuring that I’m with people who are aware of my relationship with alcohol, like very close friends, and in a venue that is known to me where I feel safe – because after a certain amount of alcohol it’s like a switch is triggered in my brain.

I spiral and don’t know when to stop.

The night I fell off the wagon was a special one with people I love, that I’d not seen for many months, and in some cases, years.

I felt stronger mentally and emotionally during sobriety (Picture: Jason Reid)

Initially, of course, the plan was not to drink alcohol. But I was having such a good time that I decided that a couple of drinks would do no harm.

But a couple of drinks led to shots and more drinks and another bar… complacency had set in because I’d replaced the well-being of my future self with instant gratification.

Who knows how many drinks I had that night? It went on and on. Once that switch was triggered, there was no turning back. I was having fun and didn’t want that to end.

Which, crucially, is why I’d taken the decision to go sober in the first place.

The thought of starting all over was incredibly daunting (Picture: Jason Reid)

In the days that followed I fell into a deep depression. I felt completely hopeless and depleted of the drive that had been such a constant during my sobriety.

Getting up in the morning was almost impossible. All I wanted to do was hide away.

Often, I’d get up and then go back to bed an hour later because of the overwhelming sadness and shame I felt. Sleeping as much as I could was much preferable to being awake and dealing with my reality.

I now had to start all over again, and there were moments when I thought, what’s the point?

The thought of starting all over was incredibly daunting; the overriding unpleasant thought tormenting me was that I’d undone all my hard work that I was so incredibly proud of. 

There needs to be more frank discussion about the reality of sobriety, which can involve very dark periods

It wasn’t that I doubted my self-discipline – in fact, one of the main positives to come from my sobriety is that my self-control has improved significantly, though I still have to talk myself out of mentally making excuses to drink to excess.

I knew I could do it – it was just that the thought of restarting the clock was very disheartening.

But, with the help of a close friend and, crucially, my excellent therapist, Toni, I got through that dark period by the skin of my teeth.

Confiding in people who I have a strong bond with helped immeasurably in this instance. It was just a case of overcoming the first and hardest hurdle – reaching out. And as Toni said, ‘No beating yourself up, it’s not helpful!’

Being as honest and open as one is comfortable about slips in sobriety is the key (Picture: Jason Reid)

Being as honest and open as one is comfortable about slips in sobriety is the key to lessening the associated shame, which can lead to profound despair, as I’ve experienced.

The sober community tends to focus on sober milestones, motivation and positivity, which is important, of course – I do it myself and it’s validating – but I think there needs to be more frank discussion about the reality of sobriety, which, in many cases, can involve very dark periods.

Falling off the wagon was unspeakably hard – but the cold hard everyday reality of my sobriety is that each social occasion presents a unique challenge, which takes its toll mentally.

It’s not just a matter of drinking orange juice instead of beer; it means changing my whole mindset and learned behaviours.

The guilt and shame was all-consuming (Picture: Jason Reid)

Before I started on my sober journey, my place of work in nightlife merged into a place to drink after work and sometimes during. Now, I try my best to separate the two, which has been a helpful exercise in discipline – but it certainly hasn’t been easy or smooth.

And I need to feel able to talk about it.

I’m a firm believer that being open about one’s struggles in life can help others who may be going through similar experiences feel a kinship and be less alone, less racked with shame, and therefore more likely to reach out, which could be lifesaving.

Being positive for the sake of it, or toxic positivity as it’s known, can be exasperating and counterproductive.

In order to break down the stigma associated with slips in sobriety, we ought to be outwardly acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of the process – striking the right balance by discussing the unpalatable aspects as well as celebrating those important milestones.

After years of searching, this year I found the therapist for me in Toni and quite frankly I wouldn’t have maintained sobriety for almost a year, if it wasn’t for their understanding, guidance, and one-on-one talking sessions.

Toni leads with kindness and I can talk openly about the slips, as well as the milestones.

For the majority of people, sobriety is not done on a whim, rather as an essential conscious decision in order to stay alive, which is a tremendously challenging undertaking.

Those who are suffering deserve the respect and empathy they’d receive with any other illness. Talking frankly about slips in sobriety and fostering environments – both in real life and online – is crucial in order to break down the shame that prevents people from reaching out.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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I need to feel able to talk about it.