Putting yourself first isn’t a bad thing (Picture: Getty)
Christmas is supposed to be a magical time, full of family, fun and food.
But for many of us, it can be an incredibly stressful experience, where we were feel like we should always be doing more.
In this week’s episode of Metro.co.uk’s podcast Smut Drop, Miranda Kane spoke to psychotherapist and author Nancy Collier about holiday burnout – and how to tackle it.
Nancy believes that women are susceptible to burn out because we’ve long been taught the lesson that if you don’t get a job done, then no one else will.
But Nancy says it’s time to change that narrative.
She said: ‘This incredibly strong conditioning leads us as women to believe that our job on Earth is to take care of other people’s needs… that our value is in making other people happy and providing a positive experience for other people.’
But Nancy says that by doing this, we don’t think – or know – about what we want. Instead, we’re actually taught that being nurturing is in itself, is a need being met.
‘This is what we’re taught, right?’ says Nancy. ‘That our nourishment comes from their nourishment. But that’s faulty. And that’s why we’re all so strung out and exhausted, because we’ve lost touch with what we want and need.’
She adds that often, we feel like we’re presented with just two options: we can be selfish, or selfless – neither of which are satisfying.
And, if we end up trying to cater to people’s needs too much, we can be labelled as ‘controlling’.
‘We’re operating from this tiny likeability box tiny box really challenging,’ says Nancy.
Nancy Collier shared advice on how to avoid festive burnout (Picture: Nancy Collier)
It’s not hard to see why so many women might feel burnt out by the end of the year – and that can present in many different ways.
Nancy said: ‘For some women, it comes up as physical exhaustion.
‘Just depletion, where you can’t get out of bed on a Saturday. You’re just bone dry, and you just can’t do it.
‘For other women they lean into anaesthetising it. So maybe it’s Netflix or it’s Chardonnay, or it’s brownies, or whatever the heck it is.
‘Other women, it’s anger and resentment… there is a background sensation of, “But what about me? What about what I actually need and want that’s not for someone else?”
‘”I’m a really good daughter to ageing parents, I’m a really good partner. I’m a devoted mother, I’m a great employee, I am all these things to other people.”
‘It’s a loneliness and an isolation.
‘We’re really stepping away from ourselves. We’re really abandoning ourselves.’
Know when you need you time (Picture: Getty Images)
So how do we start to make a change? Nancy shares some tips that could make a radical difference to your festivities.
Ask for what you need
We have to start by becoming aware of how infrequently we really tell the truth, and how much shaping and morphing [w’re doing to be] that perfect person.
‘We also have to have some compassion for ourselves.
‘And then we start to practice in baby steps, little ways.’
Nancy says it’s worth letting go of some small things that you feel you can ‘risk’ delegating elsewhere.
‘For example, asking, “Hey, do you think you could pick up the wrapping paper?” Or “Do you think this year you could do the wrapping?”
‘We have to be very clear about what we asked for.’
And you don’t need to justify your demands.
‘What I would love for women to start doing is just very respectfully and kindly and simply stating, “I would like you to buy half the presents this year”,’ says Nancy. ‘And then put a period right there, do not explain it away.
‘That’s the beginning of stepping into your own shoes. You’re taking the risk, you’re breaking an old system.’
Turn ‘should’ into ‘want’
Nancy also says we should think less about what we ‘should’ do, and instead think about what we ‘want’ to do.
Don’t feel like you should do everything (Picture: Getty Images)
Nancy said: ‘[Think about] what holiday do I actually want? Maybe I want it way smaller. Or maybe I want it bigger. Or maybe I want to give different kinds of gifts, or celebrate the spirituality of it more than the consumerism… take ownership of your personal holiday.’
She suggests that using a mantra can help you recognise the fact that your experience counts just as much as everyone else.
She explains: ‘What you want and need also matters. And that has to start as… a mantra.
‘It feels very unnatural at first, and sometimes we have to fake it… but we have to make that a habit.’
Be authentic
It’s important to show people the real you.
She explains: ‘The last thing is [to have] this attitude of honesty. How can I walk through this holiday being real?
‘And I’m going to take a huge risk, which is to trust that that can be welcomed.
‘It’s okay to feel exhausted. It’s okay to feel bored. It’s okay to feel I’ve done enough. It’s okay to feel this isn’t really fun.’
It’s okay to take a step back (Picture: Getty Images)
Nancy added that by being more authentic, we can build healthier relationships.
She says, ‘We get these relationships where we appear as this perfect woman, and everyone is happy, but we feel a bit lonely and isolated because we’re not really sharing our real experience.’
She adds: ‘You’ll find that you feel more connected, you feel more fed. And you’re doing your partner and your family and your friends really a service in letting them know you.’
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Christmas can be a stressful experience, where we feel like we should always be doing more.
