It’s completely natural for someone to become defensive when getting called out (Picture: Getty/Metro.co.uk)
What do you do when someone pisses you off so badly that you want to call them every name under the sun?
Here’s an idea: give it some time.
It’s important to be able to call people out on their bad or hurtful behaviour, especially a friend or loved one.
But it can be daunting. How do you do it without sparking a row, offending them to the point of no return and potentially ruining the relationship?
According to Dipti Tait, a hypnotherapist and behaviour psychotherapist, there’s a natural reason why calling someone out can feel so scary.
‘Our brains are wired to seek harmony and connection, and disrupting that equilibrium can trigger a few interesting chemical reactions,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.
‘When we confront someone about their actions, it might activate their brain’s “fight-or-flight” response.
‘The amygdala, that little almond-shaped powerhouse in our brain, sends an alarming signal to release stress hormones such as cortisol, preparing the body for action, which can lead to defensiveness, denial, or even aggression – not exactly the response we hope for when addressing an issue.’
Managing to maintain harmony while also addressing a concern, then is like walking a tightrope, especially considering how easy it is for the other person to become triggered.
That’s why you should be cautious when choosing whether or not to call someone else.
‘Consider whether the issue at hand is a genuine concern that impacts the relationship or the well-being of individuals involved,’ says Dipti.
‘If it’s a small matter that can be overlooked, maybe it’s best to let it slide.
‘However, if it’s something that could fester and grow, it’s time to address it gently.’
How to call someone out with grace:
So, you know it’s the right to to call someone out but don’t want to rustle too many feathers? Try this approach, according to Dipti:
Choose the right setting – make sure you’re comfortable, private and in a space where both people can express themselves without being judged.
Use ‘I’ statements – instead of pointing fingers, focus on expressing your feelings and observations, which may minimise defensiveness and encourage a collaborative solution.
Listen actively – when the other person speaks, truly hear their perspective without jumping to conclusions, this validates their feelings and paves the way for a healthier exchange.
How to handle being called out with grace:
If you’ve been called out, it’s natural to feel defensive, but it’s vital to our relationships that we allow others to express their concerns and call us out when they feel it’s necessary. Here’s how to deal with it, says Dipti:
Take a moment – when you feel the tension rising, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts in order to prevent knee-jerk reactions and allow yourself to respond thoughtfully.
Acknowledge and reflect – thank the person for their feedback and take some time to reflect on their words: it’s okay to admit if you’ve made a mistake or could have handled a situation better.
Express gratitude – embrace the opportunity to learn and grow: let the person know that you appreciate their honesty and that you’re committed to improving yourself and the situation.
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Breathe, listen and communicate calmly.