Cliff Notes – A generational flaying takes its place in England’s Ashes lore

England’s historic quest for an Ashes victory in Australia began with a dispiriting defeat, marking their 100th Test match against Australia.
Despite a strong position early in the match, England collapsed dramatically, losing 20 wickets in just over 67 overs, with key players failing to perform.
The defeat has significant implications for England’s aspirations, as they must now contend with one of their most humiliating losses on Australian soil.

A generational flaying takes its place in England’s Ashes lore

You know what, this might be the worst one. And there have been some shockers.

Certainly, it’s up there with any of England’s previous defeats in Australia. This being their 100th, by the way. With a team mooted as having the best chance of winning a first Test match here for the best part of 15 years.

Instead, England’s quest for a historic reclamation of the Ashes has begun with a loss as dispiriting and rancid as they come. It’s a potent mix that will take a long time to shake. Because the worst thing is … about six hours before this had curdled, England were actually winning.

Swallow it down, it’s bad for you. And don’t fret about getting the taste out of your mouth. If you’re new to this, this generational flaying from a position of strength will make itself at home, burrowing deep into the sporting DNAs of the lineage of England fans to come.

This could be Adelaide 2006-07 for the TikTok generation; the original was a slow-burn four-day tussle which culminated in Shane Warne’s fifth-day punchline. This remake has been condensed for shorter attention spans: hold the screen down if you want to watch England fast-forward from 105 ahead and just one-down in the afternoon to an eight-wicket defeat before night-fall. Actually, don’t bother. It was quick enough in normal time.

Travis Head’s 36-ball fifty ignited Australia’s run-chase Getty Images

Or this could be an AI slop re-imagination of either of the first two Tests of the 1990-91 tour, and given that Graham Gooch described that series as a “fart competing with thunder” it’s a depressing comedown from the high-octane thrills of day one. That opening match at Brisbane trod a similar path to this one – the tourists were ahead by 42 on first innings then, compared to 40 here. The second featured an injury-prone left-armer, Bruce Reid, snaring 13 English batters at the MCG. Mitchell Starc (how can a big quick be this durable? He’s clearly AI) bagged his 10 in 24.5 overs.

Or it could be another big-picture reboot from 2006, with the charismatic Travis Head playing the part of Adam Gilchrist’s previous Running Man effort in Perth. Sure, the background scenes were updated (how good does the WACA look with that filter, by the way?) but this one was even more impactful than the original. Mind you, the ending was exactly the same: England comprehensively thrashed.

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Those waking up in the UK on Saturday morning got to take in all such horrors. And no, we’re not talking about TNT’s coverage, although some of the broadcast’s lamentable problems were probably welcome now. With the commentary frequently out of sync with the pictures, at least those of a sensitive disposition were offered trigger warnings for incoming England wickets and then Head boundaries.

For the same bowlers who had covered for the batters after their first-innings collapse of 5 for 12 were all too quickly back out there as fodder for Head and, latterly, Marnus Labuschagne. Lightning struck for England when they managed to get all of Jofra Archer, Mark Wood, Gus Atkinson and Brydon Carse on the park at the same time, even as Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood were missing for Australia. But none of them could summon another significant strike 24 hours later, even against an Australian team whose one banker opener continued to not open.

Joe Root dragged a drive on to his stumps Getty Images

England’s quartet could point out that more than 35 overs of rest would have allowed them to replenish the necessary energy to be as accurate and relentless as they had been on Friday. They might also note that their combined contribution of 66 runs on Saturday dwarfed the tally of most of their more seasoned and celebrated batters across both innings. Zak Crawley – backed explicitly because his technique was expected to suit Australian pitches – bagged a pair. More gallingly, Joe Root’s 0 and 8 made it seven single-digit scores across England’s top six.

Root’s failures, however familiar in Australia, also came with a modern, debilitating twist, and that was before his solitary over of offspin (which put him four runs in deficit for the game) had brought the scores level ahead of Steve Smith’s winning boundary.

England’s greatest batter was the last man to fall in a post-lunch collapse of 3 for 0 in six deliveries, which capped an overall slump of 9 for 99 across the two innings. Root’s inside-edge into his stumps off Mitchell Starc came as he looked to drive on the up through the covers, despite the fact that Ollie Pope (caught behind) and Harry Brook (caught first slip) had just fallen to that exact shot in Scott Boland’s previous over. The thing about Root in this team is he knows better. But he didn’t when it mattered today.

Boland was a bowler reborn overnight, digging a trench on his usual six-to-eight metre length. England’s batters had made merry with him in their first innings, knocking him off his usual strides, forcing him to bowl fuller, and punishing his 10 overs to the tune of 0 for 62. Crucially, they had not been trying to hit the ball square on the off side with the bounce so steep.

Maybe this is not what England fans want to read so soon after their side has lost 20 wickets in 67.3 overs… but were they too timid?

Ben Stokes thought so, as he pointed out that the successful batters on a tasty Perth deck – Head, and to a lesser extent, Harry Brook and Jamie Smith with their respective 52 and 33 on day one – had succeeded in disrupting rhythms and off-setting routines by taking chances.

Without naming names, Stokes had suggested the responsibility to do so should have fallen to the person with his eye in, which brings Pope’s second innings under the microscope. England’s No.3 looked solid in this match, particularly when driving down the ground. But after reach 18 off 24 in his second innings, he came to a standstill. A run of 25 dots in his next 32 balls culminated in his dismissal to Boland, who had been responsible for 14 of them.

Did Pope get bogged down? Maybe Boland, simply, bowled well, and was worthy of the calm? England ensured he would get his rewards, as he finished with 4 for 33 and kept that home bowling average low at 13.47. The rest of the team vibed off their popular quick’s thrust. And that is when England became footnotes in a story they had been writing.

The small- and big-picture ramifications of such a defeat will be just as infuriating. Batting first here was predicated on getting the best of batting conditions, using India’s victory at the Optus Stadium last year as a template.

The first innings followed the identical script. But they totally flunked the next, most important bit. Whereas India saw out day two, closing on 172 for 0, England were instead left sitting shellshocked in the away dressing-room.

Never mind, at least Head put the better conditions to historic use. The most Bazball batter imaginable out-Bazball-ed the Bazballers. And not only that, Travball brought up three figures in just 69 deliveries, quicker than Gilbert Jessop, achieving the side-quest that has been a white whale for these English batters. He scored the runs that could have been theirs, and in the manner that they dream of … if only they could have made it through that sticky post-lunch period, into a movement-free afternoon and a 40-over-old ball …

England have played with freedom. The pressure has been lifted off them for the past three years. And while they have admittedly had a decent amount of success, and won some spectacular Test matches along the way, they still haven’t achieved anything that could be classed as truly great.

This was supposed to be the start of that. The first of the three necessary steps for the biggest crowning glory of all. Now they must wear one of England’s most inglorious defeats on Australian soil, and that is something they may never be able to shed.

They came to Australia searching for immortality. And no one will forget what they did here today.