‘Had our IVF worked, December would have probably been when we announced the pregnancy’ (Picture: Sophie Flynn)

‘Last Christmas was definitely the worst because we would have had a baby if the miscarriages hadn’t happened,’ says 34-year-old Sophie Flynn, who has been trying for a baby with her husband for nearly six years.

‘When you get pregnant you instantly count to when your baby is due.

‘From my first miscarriage, I would have been due in September 2022 – so we would have had a three-month-old baby last December and I was already thinking about all the ways that Christmas would be different.’

Sophie and her husband, Tom, started trying for a baby when she was 28. However, later investigations and tests resulted in an endometriosis diagnosis for the author and business owner – a condition Sophie feels ‘had been missed since she was 14.’

Sophie adds that New Year – and all the expectation that comes with it – can be hard too (Picture: Sophie Flynn)

After years of tests, surgery and hoping to get pregnant naturally, Sophie and her husband decided to start IVF in July 2021.

‘Our first round failed at the end of November in 2021,’ recalls Sophie. ‘I found that Christmas was really difficult because, obviously, everyone goes into IVF with the hope that it will just work. And if it had worked, December would have probably been when we announced the pregnancy.

‘It was a difficult year but there was still a lot of hope going into the New Year. I remember that year we were up north seeing my husband’s family on New Year’s Eve and we stood out on the beach and said 2022 will be such a better year for us…

‘…but it was absolutely a worse year.’

Sophie and Tom went into 2022 waiting to start their next round of IVF, but in January the couple discovered they were pregnant. 

‘It really felt like kind of a miracle pregnancy because there was a very low chance of me getting pregnant – but I did,’ the 34-year-old remembers.

However, this news came with a devastating blow when Sophie suffered a miscarriage. Not long after, the pair found out they were pregnant again – but were heartbroken when they experienced a second miscarriage within a few months.

This was followed by another round of IVF in November, which was also unsuccessful.

‘There’s this idea that Christmas is just for the children – this bugs me’ (Picture: Sophie Flynn)

For nearly six years, Sophie’s had a difficult relationship with the child-centric nature of Christmas. The author has also found the food-focussed element of the festive season challenging, due to all the lifestyle changes she and her husband have made while they’ve been trying to conceive.

‘For years, we haven’t drank alcohol, we haven’t had coffee and we’ve been on kind of strict diets because you have all these people telling you these are all the various ways to make it work,’ she says.

‘There was so much guilt associated with being able to go out and enjoy myself, because I thought “if you really want a baby, you wouldn’t be having a glass of champagne at Christmas.”

‘Last year people kept saying to me “oh well, at least you can have a drink” – especially after the miscarriage. And honestly the last thing I wanted to do was do any of the things that I couldn’t do when I was pregnant, because it just felt like a reminder that I wasn’t.’

Sophie adds that she finds unexpected Instagram pregnancy announcements difficult all-year round – but Christmas is particularly horrible for her.

‘I find scan photos really triggering because of the miscarriage – and I wish people knew that,’ she says.

‘Also, there’s this idea that Christmas is just for the children. This bugs me because that means if you don’t have children, you’re not supposed to be able to enjoy any of it.

‘There’s an idea that Christmas is frivolous without children. I think that’s nonsense.’

However, Sophie says that while past years have been an incredible dark time for her and Tom, they are feeling different approaching this Christmas.

‘This is the fifth Christmas since we’ve been trying,’ she continues. ‘I would say this feels the best for a few years because it’s the first time we haven’t just failed an IVF cycle. So we are going out and enjoying ourselves a bit more and having Baileys hot chocolate and not feeling guilty about it.

‘I haven’t done that for years. You kind of realise all the things that you’ve stopped yourself from doing.

‘This year, we are just going to do loads of dog walks, go to the pub, and drink lots of wine.’

Vicki Hayes agrees that looking after your mental wellbeing when you’re trying to conceive is essential – especially at this time of year.

The 36-year-old, from Swindon, has been trying for a baby for the last three years and, like Sophie, was also diagnosed with endometriosis, as well as cysts on her ovaries.

Vicki and her partner also went through one round of IVF last summer – which was not successful.

Vicky says being around children at Christmas helps her (Picture: Vicky Hayes)

‘Christmas is hard. I try not to think about it but it’s quite lonely,’ she says.

‘Some women say they can’t be around children and it’s too hard but I find it helps,’ adds Vicki, who works as a nursery practitioner.

‘At least I have relationships with these children at work.

‘Now, they’re not my children, they’re not family, but I get to know them and form those bonds with children that I feel I don’t have elsewhere.

‘Last week we had Santa come and visit the nursery and that was quite nice to see the kids really excited.’

But Vicki says Christmas can be especially challenging when a certain question crops up – like it did recently for her.

Although, it’s not limited to the festive period, Vicki wishes more people would understand how loaded the question can be.

She explains: ‘People say “‘Do you have children?” and when I say “no” – then naturally the question that comes after…. “do you want children?”

‘I don’t mind you asking if I have some, but don’t ask me if I want them. It’s such a personal thing.’

But Vicki does encourage people to ask loved ones going through fertility struggles how they are doing – even if it can feel an uncomfortable topic.

‘I want the people that I know to to ask, you know – but not complete strangers,’ she adds.

‘Sometimes I feel a bit forgotten about. I feel like people are scared to ask me.

‘Some days I might feel emotional about it, but other days I can talk about it and I’ll be fine you know – so just don’t tread on eggshells around me.

‘It’s nice to feel like people are interested in how you’re feeling.’

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‘This is the fifth Christmas since we’ve been trying.’