We’re sorry to say, you’re probably eating the wrong cheese with your wine

Do you panic at the sight of a cheeseboard like a puppy on fireworks night, or pair it with a bottle of poorly stored port and call it a night?

The harmless cheeseboard is a banana skin waiting to happen when it comes to wine matching, you need a hard hat and a Kevlar vest just to navigate the flavours, textures and tantrums, in my case. There’s such an array of styles, that actual Cheese Sommeliers exist in swanky restaurants.

Now, I know some hard and fast rules like the saltiness of blue cheese always works with the stickiness of a dessert wine, right? Heck, goat’s cheese is a sublime match with Sauvignon Blanc. See? I don’t know why we get so worked up.

With that in mind, I asked cheese sommelier and owner of cheese and wine hamper company, Mouse & Grape, Jess Summer, to blindfold me and feed me wine, cheese and truffle honey. While blindfolded, it was my job to tell her which I thought worked and which was a darned right assault on the senses.

We videoed it for your viewing pleasure, you’re welcome.

But, to help, here are some hacks, tips and tricks to ace your Christmas cheese board.  

Don’t pair red wine with every cheese

The main rule for cheese and wine pairing is, ‘to look for contrasting flavours (sweet with salty, think of popcorn) or complimenting flavours’. So, what’s the most common mistake people make?

Jess tells us: ‘It’s people who drink a bold red with all their cheeses thinking it’s the perfect match – it’s not.’

Anything else? Yes.

‘People don’t know that they should be eating and drinking at the same time. Literally combine those flavours in your mouth and it’s in the finish that you’ll notice that firework, “Ratatouille” moment.’

How do you know if a cheese and wine don’t match?

You’ll know, ‘if the cheese makes the wine taste flat, flabby and bland. If you have a mouth-coating cheese and a wine with high tannins you will get a claggy mouth and it will be unpleasant, look for wines with high acidity to cut through the cheese. You need to be able to taste both the cheese and the wine – don’t go for a wine that will overpower – think of balance. Have more than one wine with your cheeseboard. I like to have at least two, and if you only want one, go for a delicate sweet wine’.

Hosting a wine and cheese evening? Heed these tips (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Creamy cheese & sparkling wine

You’ll need something with decent acidity to cut through the creaminess here. We went with Leckford, Waitrose, £6.50, a creamy, nutty-tasting cheese washed with English sparkling wine. We matched it with a Slovenian sparkling wine, which paired an absolute treat. Try this with anything from Crémant, Cava to Champagne. We knew this would work, as the yeasty notes from both wine and cheese were there to complement each other. It didn’t disappoint.  

Goat’s cheese & zesty white wine

Goat’s cheese is a tricky little blighter for wine pairing, it’s just so…goaty. We chose Golden Cross, £12.50, Paxton & Whitfield, a ripened goat’s milk cheese rolled in ash based on a style from the Loire.

Jess matched this with a Sancerre white, saying, ‘this is a great example of what grows together, goes together’, and she’s not wrong. As well as Sauvignon Blanc, you could also try Austrian Grüner Veltliner, Albariño from Spain, a Picpoul de Pinet or any white that’s fresh and zesty.  

Camembert & bold red wine

We chose the old supermarket fave, Le Rustique Camembert, £2.28, Ocado.

According to Jess: ‘This is a big cheese with vegetal notes, mouthcoating, gooey, decadent and delicious, which needs an equally big wine to stand up to it.’

This was paired with a red Bordeaux from the Haut Medoc, majoring on Cabernet Sauvignon for cedar and dried tobacco notes, and my goodness, those flavours tangoed together. A jackpot match.

Blue cheese, port and dessert wine

We chose Fourme D’Ambert, £5.30 (Lovecheese.com), as an alternative to Stilton, and spoiler alert, this absolutely smashed the ruby port pairing.

There’s just something about the pillowy, rich pluminess of the port that meshes sublimely with the saltiness of the blue cheese. It’s tried and true, for good reason. Sidenote, we dolloped truffle honey on the cheese, which was a slam dunk with Sauternes.

Hard cheese & dessert wine

We picked Comté to pair with the ruby port, and it definitely wasn’t a match.

The subtlety of the cheese disappeared underneath the boisterous clamour of the port. We reckon this could have worked if the Comté contained salt crystals, or even with an aged Gouda. On the other hand, Sauternes made the Comté sing, beckoning out its hidden sweetness.

Check out Mouseandgrape.com for the tastiest Christmas cheese and wine hampers.

Are you taking notes?