Weddings are so saturated in misogyny (Picture: Forget Me Knot Images)
‘Mr and Mrs J. Harrison-West.’
That’s who most of my wedding cards were addressed to, after my husband Jethro and I got married in July 2019.
Safe to say, I was furious at being described in this way. Livid. Baffled at this obvious display of sexism.
It already bothered me that the title ‘Mr’ automatically came before ‘Mrs’ in most corners of society – but to be reduced to just a nameless extension of my husband, with not even my initials appearing alongside his on my own wedding cards frustrated me.
Sure, they’d correctly hyphenated both our surnames, but was I not my own person? Was I that inferior to my husband?
Sadly, though puce in the face, I was hardly surprised.
It seemed to be unusual to many people to discover that my husband and I had decided to share names (Picture: Emmie Harrison-West)
My wedding day was the best day of my entire life and I was surrounded by people that worship and cherish me, but I can’t deny that weddings are inherently sexist.
That they’re so saturated in misogyny.
From the moment I got engaged, I started to notice it for the first time. While friends and family were congratulating me, I noticed that people were already assuming I was going to take my husband’s name – before even asking. It was even in my engagement cards.
It seemed to be unusual to many people to discover that my husband and I had decided to share names – to represent our equal standing in our life, and soon-to-be marriage. Plus, I wasn’t giving up my entire name, family history and lineage for any man – even one that I loved – just because it was expected of me, or the done thing.
But to constantly keep reminding people that, no, I wasn’t taking my husband’s name – and yes, he was going to take mine, was utterly exhausting.
Thankfully, our wedding registrar understood – but our vows didn’t come without drama, either.
Heterosexual marriage, as an institution, still considers men to be superior (Picture: Emmie Harrison-West)
We didn’t opt for a religious wedding, but reading the traditional matrimony vows on offer made me burst out laughing. ‘To have and to hold?’ I said, scoffing aloud. No human can physically ‘have’, or own another.
While we opted for more modern vows, the groom still takes theirs first. That’s, of course, after the bride is ‘given away’ by a man.
My dad is one of the most important people in the world to me, and I will forever remember the special moment we shared together walking down the aisle – but it shouldn’t be unusual for a bride to give herself away. She is an independent person after all. Or choose to be given away by her mother, the woman who birthed her. Are they not as important as their father?
Don’t even get me started on: ‘You may now kiss the bride’ – why is a man that has to kiss a woman, and the bride isn’t given permission? That the bride has no voice when a man kisses her? May we not be given permission to ‘kiss one another’?
It’s the same with the speeches, too. Women get shunned, with the best man, father of the bride and groom talking and acting on behalf of the bride.
The highlight of my wedding was hearing the three most important men in my life speak of me, and of my love for my husband – but then being able to give my own speech, too. To thank the women in my life, and set an example.
It was nerve-wracking, but one of the moments I am the most proud of – and some of my friends have since told me that it inspired them to give speeches on their wedding day, too.
I didn’t wear white, either – opting for a champagne-coloured gown. Openly rejecting this age-old association of brides wearing white to represent purity and virginity – a frankly rather vile tradition of preserving girlhood for a man.
Yet, despite all of this, with weddings acting in the favour of – and prioritising – men, it’s apparently tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the big day. To me, it’s very reminiscent of good old fashioned dowries – when property or money was paid by the bride’s family, to the groom. Her value of worth to her new husband and his family.
Marriage is a beautiful, chaotic, fun, wild whirlwind of a ride (Picture: Emmie Harrison-West)
Heterosexual marriage, as an institution, still considers men to be superior. That women are property of, and inferior to, the patriarchy.
But, thankfully, things are getting better. Couples are working together to reject fundamentally sexist wedding rituals based on traditions that they don’t truly understand. Women are recognising that they have a voice, worth and value that isn’t materialistic or monetary.
Still, it goes without saying, but weddings are entirely unique to each couple.
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If you are getting married, you should never feel pressured to change the order of your day based on what other people want, or have done before you.
If you want to wear white, don a garter and sit back, then that’s amazing. But do it because you want to, and feel power in it, not because you’re afraid of going against the status quo – or because some unwritten rules and hazy, age-old traditions have prescribed this of you.
Marriage is a beautiful, chaotic, fun, wild whirlwind of a ride – but it should be you who’s in the driver’s seat from the start. Tin cans on the bumper and all.
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Don’t even get me started on: ‘You may now kiss the bride’.