All those years playing XCOM has led to this moment (pic: 2K)
The moment video games have always been preparing us for is finally here but what’s the best way to defeat our new balloon overlords?
You’ve no doubt already heard the stories of unidentified balloon-like objects being spotted in the skies above the US. While it’s been suggested that they’re spy balloons sent by China (whereas China says they’re just weather balloons), some suspect that they are, in fact, extraterrestrial in origin.
After conducting some research ourselves (by which we mean we scoured Reddit for a few hours), we’ve come to the entirely rational conclusion that not only are they definitely alien but we’re on the cusp of a full-on balloon-themed alien invasion.
You would’ve expected the first ever alien invasion to be a bit more dramatic than that but, regardless, you’d best prepare yourself, and the best way to do that is by playing through this curated list of video games.
Space Invaders
It’s literally called Space Invaders! Why would we not put this on the list? It may no longer be cutting edge, but Space Invaders is an all-time classic that’s already suitably prepared your parents and grandparents for the inevitable invasion.
Admittedly, it does depend on the aliens moving slowly back and forth and making no attempt to get out of the way but then the balloons haven’t been doing that either. We’ll also need to make sure we protect ourselves with only four barriers that are placed equidistant of each other. We want to give the invaders a fighting chance, can’t make it too difficult for them.
XCOM
This is an obvious one and no, we’re not just shilling it because it’s one of our favourite games ever. (Okay, we are.) While it’s officially labelled as a strategy game, it may as well be a training simulator as you shoot down UFOs and then send out soldiers on missions to combat an invading alien menace, while using whatever resources are available to improve your base of operations.
Granted, it’s high difficulty means you’ll need to become acclimatised to failure, as soldiers die due to your own poor decisions and bad luck. Also Enemy Unknown canonically ends with us losing and the aliens taking over, but we don’t think that’ll happen with an actual invasion. We bet we could take on those little grey freaks.
Balloon Fight
Who would’ve thought this early Nintendo game from the 80s would become a military simulator? This one may technically not have any aliens in it, but it does involve aerial combat and popping enemy balloons, thus making it vital experience in dealing with a balloon-themed invasion. You’ve got to fight fire with fire, right?
While there’s plenty of tactical knowledge to gain from Balloon Fight, we also recommend flapping your arms up and down in your spare time. You’ll need to build up that arm strength. Also, two balloons is enough to suspend a person, right? Any more seems excessive.
Destroy All Humans!
‘Wait, isn’t this about playing as the invading alien?’ you may ask. Yes, which is what makes it vital in preparing for an actual invasion. We need to understand how the aliens think, how they operate. If we know all their strategies before they can even implement them, we can stop the invasion before it even starts.
Plus, if we do somehow fail, whatever horrendous tortures they’ll inflict upon us will be a walk in the park after playing Destroy All Humans for more than an hour, which really isn’t as good as its otherwise fun premise suggests.
Pang
We have to consider the possibility that the balloons are the aliens trying to perform some kind of double bluff-ing subterfuge. Fortunately, Pang (or Buster Bros. as it’s called in the US) demonstrates how deceptively tricky they can be to deal with, as they split into ever smaller balloons the more you hit them.
Its use of real world locations like London and Paris makes it more of an accurate simulation than Balloon Fight. Although tracking down a harpoon gun to practice with in real life may be a bit too tricky and will probably put you on a list of some kind.
Batman (1989)
Again, no aliens in this one, but there’s an entire stage dedicated to popping balloons. Okay, technically, you’re using the wings of the Batplane to cut their ropes so they float harmlessly into the sky, but it’s an important technique regardless.
Especially as the new Flash trailer features the old school 80s Batwing fighting actual aliens, which is clearly all a vast conspiracy the proves all of this was foretold long ago. And also that Michael Keaton is still the best live action Batman.
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Earth Defense Force
Being invaded by giant weather balloons, that get shot down by a single missile, is a lot more preferable than being stuck in the world of Earth Defense Force, where the world is constantly being invaded by UFOs, giant insects, and Godzilla style monsters.
We don’t remember any balloons being involved but the odds are always stacked against you, as you and your fellow cannon fodder troopers try to hype yourself up with a rousing chorus of ‘EDF! EDF! EDF!’.
Bloons
You literally do nothing but pop balloons. Also, the original web browser game is free so you can train for the alien invasion without spending a penny. In the monetary sense that is.
Bloons – the monkey’s optional… probably (pic: Ninja Kiwi)
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The moment video games have always been preparing us for is finally here but what’s the best way to defeat our new balloon overlords?
