I realised that I probably wasn’t alone in experiencing festive-overwhelm (Picture: Catherine Hallissey)
My eyes brimmed with tears over my Christmas dinner.
It was Christmas 2016, and 19 of us had gathered at my parents’ house. It should have been lovely.
Yet my five kids, aged between six years to 10 months, were overexcited and more interested in their new toys than sitting at the table and eating the feast my mum had cooked.
I felt like my husband Paul and I were either constantly hopping up and down, or juggling a child on our laps. The kids were over-stimulated by everything going on, picking at the food and not sitting still.
My husband Paul and I were on edge, constantly monitoring their behaviour.
I felt frazzled and exhausted. Despite working as a chartered psychologist with a specialism in parental well being, even I’d reached breaking point.
I’d wanted the day to be so magical, but I was sleep-deprived because our twins were under a year old. Just getting through the day had felt like a struggle.
‘Never again,’ I said to Paul, once they were asleep. Surely there had to be a way to make it enjoyable for us all?
Determined to avoid ever going through a repeat of that day, I grabbed my phone and spent that night making notes about what had gone wrong, what had gone well, and crucially, what I wanted to be different next Christmas.
The following year, in November 2017, I reread those notes and reminded myself what I wanted that coming Christmas to be like. It helped me formulate an action plan.
Expecting young kids to sit still at the Christmas dinner table clearly didn’t work, so I gently explained to Mum that it would be better if I gave them lunch at home first.
With the kids fed, we could head to my parents’ and then Paul and I could relax over Christmas dinner.
Next, I suggested to the family that we do a Secret Santa amongst us – so that each child received one special gift and in turn weren’t overwhelmed with too much going on.
Everyone else thought it was a great idea when I suggested it; in fact, they all seemed quite relieved that the pressure was off to buy multiple gifts. I realised they’d probably been feeling that pressure as much as I had. After all, there were other children at Christmas dinner.
That January, I received the most amazing feedback – parents emailed me to say that they’d had their best Christmas yet
I planned a family walk on Christmas Eve to ensure the kids had some fresh air before spending Christmas day indoors, hoping some exercise would mean they’d be less likely to get overstimulated, and we’d avoid a repeat of last year.
Finally, I ensured we wouldn’t have any visitors on Boxing Day to have some downtime and unwind after the Big Day.
It was the best Christmas I’d ever had.
The kids appreciated and took time playing with the presents they’d received. We had some outdoor time and quiet periods too. It was bliss.
My parents and family all commented on what a calm and relaxing day it had been too, and how we’d had a chance to connect and enjoy each other’s company.
I realised that I probably wasn’t alone in experiencing festive-overwhelm. As a psychologist, I’ve always understood that Christmas can be difficult for many people, due to family feuds, bereavement, divorce or just an all encompassing pressure to people-please.
But my method for designing the ideal Christmas for my family had worked – and had been surprisingly easy. I felt compelled to help other parents cope with Christmas, too.
I learnt that taking on too much work can ruin Christmas (Picture: Catherine Hallissey)
So, in early December 2018, I held my first Christmas Masterclass at a local community building in Cork, Ireland.
I couldn’t believe it when 30 parents, mostly mums, turned up.
First, everyone noted down what they found difficult about Christmas and what they’d like to change. We then discussed how to put those changes into practice.
‘Start small and simple,’ I advised, ‘You can build-in more changes next year when you know what’s worked well.’
At the masterclass, many mums shared that they often worried about overspending at Christmas, so I advised on deciding on a set number of gifts for each person and sticking to it in order to avoid panic buying.
Other mums felt under pressure to host their family or try to cram in visiting everyone over the big day – to them I suggested setting boundaries and expectations with family in advance.
I explained that not everyone would understand those boundaries, so they might need to calmly, but firmly, explain that, for example, driving 80 miles on Christmas morning with three kids isn’t going to work. Suggesting a visit between Christmas and New Year instead, I advised, could be a good middle ground to meet at.
Or, better still, meeting up halfway for a pub lunch, picnic or walk – so that no one’s hosting or driving far.
I was surprised too how many mums felt a failure if Christmas wasn’t perfect – thinking back to that Christmas that had almost broken me, this was something I understood only too well
Like many women, I’ve felt constant pressure from TV and social media to create magical memories – from everyone having matching PJs to doing Christmas Eve boxes.
From experience, even things like chocolate advent calendars can add stress to the festive build-up, with kids begging for chocolate from the moment they wake up in the morning. It just isn’t necessary – picture or activity-suggestion calendars are far more lovely – and memorable.
I’ve learnt that taking on too much can wreck Christmas.
So I advised my masterclass attendees to pick one or two doable, affordable family traditions that they’d like to keep – whether it be making a gingerbread house altogether or making Christmas cards for the grandparents – and focus on just those manageable things.
That January, I received the most amazing feedback – parents emailed me to say that they’d had their best Christmas yet. Thanks to the masterclass, they’d not overspent or overstretched themselves and felt more relaxed.
I felt so grateful knowing I’d been able to help people and it felt good to know we’d all shared the common experiences of having tough Christmas’s too.
Since then, I’ve run my masterclasses every year. When Covid hit, I held them over Zoom.
This year, the masterclass is available for instant download too, so anyone can do it. In five years, I’ve helped hundreds of parents have the Christmas they’ve hoped for.
I always say Christmas is a case of trial and error, but by making notes and planning a few changes, it’s possible to improve it year on year.
Christmas can be tough, but you can enjoy it more by making small changes and setting boundaries. I should know.
As told to Bethan King.
Catherine’s Christmas Masterclass is available on her website here.
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Like many women, I’ve felt constant pressure from TV and social media to create magical memories.
