This would be a much-wanted child (Picture: Getty Images)

As I saw the positive sign show up on my ClearBlue pregnancy test, it should have been a happy moment. 

As a mum to an 18-month-old little girl, I wanted to be filled with joy at the idea of my family growing.

But all I felt was fear and worry. 

My daughter is my rainbow baby after years of trying, miscarriages and grieving. Making her a big sister could have been a beautiful moment in our family, and one that I felt excited to tell my partner about.

Yet already I knew how scared he’d be; the same as I was feeling, because our family is struggling already and we can barely afford to make ends meet as it is. 

We, like loads of families, are apprehensive about an impending recession, a soaring cost-of-living crisis and a cold winter that looks set to see energy prices rocket into unaffordable bills.

We’re not so on the breadline that we qualify for benefits or for low income support, but we’re not affluent either. We’re average, and like many we’re concerned about what is going to happen over the next few months. 

With everything rising in price from fuel to food to childcare, having another baby is simply not affordable for us.

From looking at every single way of squeezing more money out of our finances to working out how a family of four will work in a tiny two-bedroom home, we just can’t do it. 

My partner is out of work but retraining in anything he can find. I’m the sole earner and, as a self-employed freelancer, would have to stop working completely in order to take maternity allowance.

Six in 10 women who have terminated pregnancies have been affected by costs, with childcare being the main concern

Our daughter is still too young for free childcare hours and her nursery costs £700 a month for just three days a week. To put her in full time would be £1200 a month and without my partner in work we’ve had our tax-free childcare stopped.

The scheme is great if you can use it, as for every £8 you pay, the government pays £2 so it can really add up. However, to qualify you need to both be working parents and after my partner’s redundancy in May, we’ve had the support stopped.

We get by each month, but barely. 

It’s heartbreaking to think terminating a pregnancy is the only option, but it really is.

I’ve added it up, and with all our necessary expenses going out – bills, childcare, travelcards – we would be left with £50 per week to feed a family of four and cover anything else from new shoes for our daughter to formula for the baby. 

If I were to go ahead with the pregnancy, we’d be surviving on a tiny pot of savings and I’d be returning to work within a month of giving birth, balancing self-employment with two young children at home. 

I’m not alone in this hopeless situation. A survey by charity Pregnant Then Screwed showed that six in 10 women who have terminated pregnancies have been affected by costs, with childcare being the main concern.

These babies are often wanted, but women are being forced into these decisions. 

Just because we are going ahead with termination, it doesn’t mean my partner and I aren’t sad or already grieving. I’m still four weeks’ pregnant but my decision is made – and it hurts.

I feel heartbroken that I can’t continue and that growing my family is on pause until we feel more financially stable.

As someone who has lost many pregnancies it seems unthinkable that I’m now choosing to give up one. Yet I am. 

Even a call to the British Pregnancy Advisory Service to organise my termination was met with a kind and supportive voice that listened to me babble and tie myself in knots as I explained my reasoning.

The operator’s kind words were: ‘We hear this a lot. Many women have told us what you’re saying, and there is no judgement here.’ 

But there will be judgement. There will be some that read this and mutter, ‘Don’t have kids if you can’t afford them’. This is exactly my point; I am not having my second child because we can’t afford them and it’s an excruciating realisation to be faced with. 

There will be others that critique people for getting pregnant in the first place if we can’t go through with it – but falling pregnant this time wasn’t planned and wasn’t a result of being lax with contraception. We’re meticulously careful and this pregnancy has come as a complete surprise and shock.

I’m devastated to be in this position and the guilt at choosing my family of three over my unborn child is heavy, but I also firmly believe it would be unfair for a child to come into the world and not have everything it needs. 

All of the criticisms and snide comments aside, the bigger issue here is the rising costs that make many people think having a child is too expensive – which is unsurprising when you consider that the UK’s setup to support mothers and families with children isn’t great. 

My partner and I have promised ourselves we’ll be ready in future; that we’ll be in a better financial position for our family to grow without us counting the pennies and sacrificing the basics. Yet with the current childcare system in place, that day could be never.

Today my early termination medication from the clinic arrived in the post. I’ve chosen to do it at home in the hope that I can avoid spending as little time away from my daughter as possible.

I feel scared of the pain and bleeding that I know will come and overwhelmingly sad that this is the decision we’ve made, but it is still the right one for us.

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This would be a much-wanted child but I firmly believe it would be unfair for it to come into the world and not have everything it needs.