Just tell us what to do – it is, after all, your equipment (Picture: Getty Images)
‘Do you like your balls played with during oral sex?’
Looking up at my lover, I eagerly await his reply. Not because I’m dying to give him a blowjob – it’s fun but not at the top of my sexual to-do-list – but because I care about his pleasure.
He appears perplexed, as if I’ve asked him his shoe size mid-sex, before uttering ‘I don’t mind’.
It’s a frustrating answer, because it’s not an answer at all.
And so I’m left to my own devices, trying my best to figure out what he prefers without any information. This has happened more times than I can count – and the sex suffers as a result.
I like to think I’m decent in bed.
It’s a bold statement but I promise, I don’t mean to sound cocky. The reason I consider myself a good lover isn’t due to my skills, but because I’m big on communication.
And I care about my sexual partner’s pleasure.
Which is exactly why I wish more men would share details about what they want in bed – and that’s exactly what I’m going to tackle today.
I’m not a man, so I asked a few of them for an opinion on the matter.
‘Most of us are just happy to have found a woman who wants to have sex or give us head, so we don’t really care what you do, as long as it feels good. Anything above that is a bonus,’ one friend told me.
Another man explained that he worries his sexual partner will feel ‘offended’ by feedback and see it as criticism, and so prefers to ‘keep schtum and just enjoy the moment’.
The third said he’s never had a problem trying to get a partner to adjust what they’re doing but sometimes likes to ‘manoeuvre’ their movement, rather than use words.
All valid views – but I can’t help but think that we’d all have a better time in bed if we were honest and open about what we like.
I find it fairly easy to discuss pleasure with partners (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
Most of us want to pleasure our lovers but it’s infinitely harder to do so without instruction.
Think of it like cooking without a recipe. Sure, you’ll probably make something palatable but what if you could elevate that dish with some advice from the expert (in this case, the person with the penis).
Giving a good blowjob, for instance, isn’t just about your mouth being on someone’s dick – it’s about the speed, the suction, the motion you use.
There’s also a whole lot of extras to think about, such as the aforementioned balls, nipple and anal play, and teeth. I know men who shiver at the thought of a pair of gnashers touching their jewels, while others have told me they love a bit of minor dental action.
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Of course I can understand a man’s hesitation in sharing his thoughts on oral sex – particularly while receiving it – but I want anyone reading this to know that feedback can be incredibly sexy.
And helpful, too.
When I was younger and dating my first sexual partner, I was terrified of his dick. Not of the penis itself but I worried about my performance. What if I tried to give him head and sucked at it? (Pun fully intended).
I still remember the conversation we had where I stated that I may never be able to touch it. He was understandably a bit concerned at the thought of his penis never being played with, but it all ended well and I eventually got over my fear.
It was a bit embarrassing to me at the time, but we spoke about my concerns, he showed me what he likes (hurrah!) and we both kept an open mind to our sex life.
While talking about pleasure might make you feel vulnerable, most women will be open to hearing your thoughts
Now older, wiser and more experienced, I find it fairly easy to discuss pleasure with partners.
But if they’re not forthcoming, it becomes tricky. And there are still awkward moments.
Like when I accidentally pulled a bit too hard on a former partner’s foreskin and he winced.
Or like the time I was very drunk and threw up moments after giving my boyfriend oral – straight into the fancy champagne cooler he kept as a bin, next to our bed.
But these are just outliers – sex should always be mutually pleasurable, and communication is crucial.
Penis-owners: There are two key points I want to leave you with today.
Firstly, while talking about pleasure might make you feel vulnerable, I can guarantee that most women will be open to hearing your thoughts.
This is your equipment after all and we like to know that we’re doing a good job at handling the merchandise.
And if your feedback is dismissed, well then it might be time to reconsider who you’re sleeping with.
Secondly, and even more importantly, feedback should always be given in a kind and gentle way.
If you’re asked how you like to be touched or sucked, give us a proper answer but consider how you phrase your words, don’t use negative or aggressive statements such as ‘I’ll just do it myself to get the job done’ or ‘that’s shit’ – that won’t help anyone and the latter is just rude.
We all have different sexual skill levels and limits – these must be respected as well.
Take deep-throating for example; not every woman will know what this is or how to do it – in the same way that not every man knows how to hit the G-spot.
Women are also less likely to share what they want in bed and what they are comfortable with, so check in with your partner continuously during sex, or share simple instructions (harder, softer, more tongue).
And please do give us appreciative moans and grunts.
Dear men, you deserve to have great blowjobs, handjobs – the lot. Just help us along a bit, would you?
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
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This is your equipment after all, and we like to know that we’re doing a good job at handling the merchandise.