He never quite seems satisfied (Picture: Getty/ Metro.co.uk)
Having mismatched libido in a relationship can be a challenge, but sex should never feel like an obligation.
But this week, we hear from a reader whose husband wants to get down to business multiple times a day – and she’s feeling the pressure to say yes.
Concerningly, she uses phrases suggesting she ‘has to’ have sex when her husband wants, or that he ‘expects’ his desires to be fulfilled – words going against enthusiastic consent which should raise red flags in any relationship.
Below, she gets some advice. But before you go read last week’s dilemma, where a woman thought her boyfriend may be secretly married.
The problem
Saying my husband wants sex several times a day might not seem much of a problem to some people, but it’s becoming a real issue for me.
His sex drive has been off the scale since we met, but I used to love the excitement of it all. It’s always been spontaneous and unexpected; one minute we’d be driving along, the next we’d be having sex in a layby. When visiting my parents he might follow me into the bathroom, or when we were out for a picnic, he’d whisk me behind a hedge. You name it, we’ve probably done it there.
More than once he’s made me late for work, because if he wants sex, I have to go for it then and there, so I end up missing my train. We’re notoriously late for parties, because once I’m all dressed up, he can’t keep his hands off me.
Working from home was a nightmare, as he was only in the next room so would come in and make me stop what I was doing, just because he had the urge.
The novelty was already wearing off when I had our first child, a little girl who is now fifteen months old. I often feel unattractive and exhausted, but he still expects me to be there for him whenever he wants sex and seems to think he takes priority over the baby.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he just laughs and says I should count myself lucky.
Laura says…
There’s no set formula as to how often a couple should have sex if they both enjoy making love with roughly the same frequency. Some couples have sex five times a day, some five times a year, and as long as you both agree, then it’s all good.
However, as you’re discovering, the problem arises when sex drives are different. Your husband may have a high sex drive because that’s just how his hormones work, but perhaps he also needs constant reassurance that you’re always there for him, and that he’s loved and wanted.
But sex itself isn’t always about love, and if you’d appreciate a more romantic approach occasionally, let him know. Sometimes more imaginative and exciting sex can make the feelings of satisfaction last longer.
Meanwhile, express your love in more simple ways, like holding hands, cuddles, or thoughtful gestures, and make it clear that sexually, an occasional ‘no’ from you isn’t a personal rejection.
Explain to your husband that you have needs too, and that right now, you don’t feel they’re being considered. You have a job and a baby and can’t fulfil his sexual desires at a moment’s notice, in the way you used to.
He needs to understand that your feelings are as important as his, and if he doesn’t, then some sessions with Relate might help. Don’t get trapped into warring about your sex life; if your baby is to grow up in a happy home, you need to sort this out.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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‘He just laughs and says I should count myself lucky.’