My family is a unit – but here’s why I love getting time with just one of them

Making time for your children individually is so important (Picture: Sarah Whiteley)

Collapsing onto the sofa, I beamed at my husband, Tom.

‘I’ve had the best day with Immy today,’ I told him.

As every parent knows, some days with your children can go better than others.

There are times when they play wonderfully, eat everything you put in front of them and the whole day floats by happily.

Then, of course, there are the days when they simply… don’t. The ones where they’re grumpy, where you can’t prise them away from the television, where everything you suggest is wrong and they stamp their feet and glare at you.

But today – at an elaborate soft play with trampolines and a pirate ship – my four-year-old daughter and I both had so much fun, chasing each other around and firing soft balls out of canons at one another.

The best thing, though, was that it had just been me and her – no Daddy and no big brother, Theo, five.

I always cherish our family time together as a four, when we plan days out at a weekend or go away together on holiday or even just all snuggle up for a movie night on the sofa.

But actually, what I’ve discovered over the last year, is that it’s just as special when you get to spend one-on-one time with a member of your family – whoever that may be.

When you become a parent, people always tell you to make time for yourself and your partner, to remember that you are a couple, as well as Mam and Dad.

And of course, that is important. Although not as often as we’d like, Tom and I will ask my parents to babysit the children while we go to the cinema or out for dinner.

But advice that maybe isn’t passed on quite as frequently is that making time for your children individually is just as important.

When you become a parent, people always tell you to remember you are a couple, as well as Mam and Dad (Picture: Sarah Whiteley)

It’s easy to assume that just because you live together in the same house and spend a lot of time together, you automatically have good relationships.

And that when you do have that precious little, free time, you must spend it all together.

But actually, it’s crucial to put the time and effort into each individual relationship to make them all strong and positive ones, independently of the others.

When I first went back to work after having Theo, I negotiated a four-day week. As a department head on a busy weekly magazine, it wasn’t easy, but I knew I couldn’t go back full-time. I needed to have more than just two days with my new son.

I loved having a day that was just me and him. I’d take him to a music group we both loved, we’d go for lunch with friends, then arrive home just in time for Tom getting back.

Immy adored having my undivided attention – just as I did hers

When Immy came along two years later, those days were more challenging – getting out of the house with a buggy and a sling, arranging our activities around Immy’s naps – but still, they were worth it.

For the rest of the week, while I was on maternity leave, the plan was to keep Theo in nursery three days so Immy and I could get quality time together too.

Then along came that pesky pandemic and threw everyone’s plans out of the window. We were forced to stay inside. All four of us. Together.

By the time lockdown was over, I was already back at work, Theo and Immy both had to go to nursery and I was back to having one day off a week with both of them.

It made that time together as a three so precious, that when it was time for Theo to start reception last year, I worried about how the change would affect them both.

Would Immy be bored if it was just me and her? And would Theo get jealous or not want to go to school, knowing me and his little sister were going out to have fun together?

Spending one-on-one time with Immy was one of the best things that could have happened (Picture: Sarah Whiteley)

It turns out, it was one of the best things that could have happened.

Because, ever since she was born, Immy has been a total daddy’s girl.

It was Tom she wanted to read her bedtime stories. If she fell over and bumped her knee, it was Daddy she ran towards to kiss it better. 

So when Theo went to school, it was the first time, I realised, that we had actually had regular days when it was just the two of us – and it was fab.

As a second sibling forced into compromises from the day she was born, she loved getting to pick where we went or what we played with.

Plus, she adored having my undivided attention – just as I did hers.

We went to the park together and I pushed her on the swings for as long as she liked. We met up with her friends from nursery and their parents. Or sometimes we just stayed in the house and did endless crafts, something Theo tires of within minutes.

Since then, our relationship has improved no end.

She’ll snuggle up to me on the sofa, rather than automatically sitting on Tom’s knee. She’ll bring me her crayons to help her colour in. And she’ll bring home paintings she’s made for me specially at nursery.

Meanwhile, Theo, caught up in the excitement of starting school and making new friends, barely seemed to notice that he is no longer off with us.

To keep things fair, we kept Immy in nursery during the school holidays so that he also got some one-on-one time with me or Tom, too.

I’ve become far more aware of these precious times as twos, rather than fours.

Tom and I now take turns to do each child’s bedtimes individually, rather than one of us reading a book to both while the other does the dishes.

Tom takes them both to their swimming lessons to spend some individual time with them too.

Hopefully when our children grow up, they’ll have amazing memories – not just of family times, but of us individually.

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I’ve become far more aware of these precious times as twos, rather than fours.