‘I can’t manage sex with this girl, which I find devastating’ (Picture: Getty/ Metro.co.uk)

When in a relationship our sex drives can fluctuate – sometimes we’re more in the mood, others times our partner is.

This week, we hear from a reader who has struggled with his wife’s low sex drive – which, he claims, has led him to pursue an affair with a much younger colleague.

The only thing is, he’s struggling to perform in the bedroom.

Before you go read last week’s dilemma, a reader who was besotted with her new boyfriend, until her best friend did some digging and uncovered his wife and children.

The problem…

My wife hasn’t been interested in sex for the last couple of years, and although I’ve tried to talk to her about it, she’s even less interested in talking. So, when I found myself getting close to a much younger girl at work, it was no great surprise that we eventually embarked on an affair.

Well, I say affair. Actually, I can’t manage sex with this girl, which I find devastating. I know she’d love us to take things further, and believe me I’ve tried, but I just can’t perform. This has resulted in me stepping back from the relationship, which is hurting both of us.

She is only a few years older than my daughter, whereas my wife is middle aged and quite dowdy. We’ve been married for over 20 years and as our kids have grown up and become more independent, the differences between us seem more magnified than ever. I still go to the gym, take care of my appearance, and like to be sociable. My wife seems happy to potter around the house, and occupies herself with cleaning and cooking, like something from the 1950s.

Although I’ve told the girl at work that we should just stay friends, I know she wants it to be a romantic relationship and honestly, so do I. She’s very understanding about my situation, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve never had any problems in the past and when I’m alone, things still work normally.

Laura says…

Erection problems are quite common in middle-aged men but if everything works well when you’re on your own, the issue is almost certainly caused by feelings of guilt about cheating on your wife. You may also have underlying doubts about whether you’ll make the grade with a younger woman who, despite her age, may actually be more experienced and adventurous than you.

Your situation at home is quite common, in that many couples grow apart once their children start having lives of their own. But for everyone’s sake, you should try to sort things out with your wife before you throw 20 years of marriage away. Tell her you can’t face not making love to her for the rest of your life and ask her to join you in trying to sort this out.

Is her lack of interest anything to do with the menopause? This can make sex uncomfortable, but your pharmacist can recommend one of the many treatments out there. Encourage her not to give up on her appearance, too. How your partner looks is up to her, but sometimes letting yourself go can be a symptom of depression. Making her feel more loved and wanted, could perk her up in all sorts of ways and might make her feel sexy again.

Until you’ve completely given up on your marriage, don’t lead your colleague on. Only pursue this relationship when and if you become free, at which time your problems getting an erection with her will likely disappear.

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‘I’ve never had any problems in the past and when I’m alone, things still work normally.’