To watch, or not to watch? Four dads share their experiences and advice (Picture: Supplied/Metro.co.uk)
‘If you stand there and watch what actually happens to a woman’s body during labour and childbirth, it’s absolutely fascinating,’ says Ben Anderson, a 39-year-old dad-of-six from Kent. ‘It’s literally like a miracle happening right in front of your eyes.’
Antenatal classes may have come on leaps and bounds in recent decades, with partners now very much encouraged to attend, but nothing quite prepares you for what goes down in the delivery room.
There’s plenty written from a woman’s perspective (and rightly so, we are the ones giving birth, after all). But what about the dads and partners?
As my own husband starts the countdown to our little one arriving, we’ve both been shocked by how little is directed at men. And when the occasional story does make headlines, it usually concerns a totally unrelatable celebrity parent à la Travis Baker practising the drums in Kourtney Kardashian’s delivery suite. I’m not sure our NHS midwife would approve.
So, to redress the balance, I asked four dads to reveal how they really felt watching their wives and girlfriends in labour.
One question that might be on your mind: to look, or not to look? Ben recommends playing things by ear and being ‘whatever your wife or partner needs you to be in that moment’.
‘For my wife Sophie, for some [births] it’s just been needing a hand to hold in the corner, right by her head, reassuring her,’ he says. ‘I’ve also been curious and wanting to get down the delivery end to witness all of that on other occasions, so when she’s been a bit more relaxed, I’ve done that.’
Ben Anderson with children Arlo, Myla, Esmé, Otis, Ziah and Raya (Picture: @thediaryofadad)
Having had six children – Arlo, 9, Myla, 7, Esmé, 6, Otis, 3, Ziah, almost 2, and three-month-old Raya – plus twins Chloé & Cairo who tragically died at 23 weeks – Ben can say ‘quite confidently that it’s very different every time’.
He recalls the birth of his eldest, Arlo, feeling ‘stressful’ and ‘quite traumatic’, because Sophie was induced on the Saturday and didn’t give birth until Monday. During the long wait, they did share moments of laughter – and a McDonalds – but Ben’s overriding memory is one of uncertainty.
‘We’d never been through all of this before, and didn’t understand about pain relief and epidurals and all of that side of things,’ he says.
By comparison, the births of Myla, Esmé and Ziah ‘felt like a breeze’ and were ‘smooth sailing’. The biggest challenge was arranging a rotation of childcare to look after their other kids.
Otis was born under pandemic conditions in 2020 and got ‘stuck on the way out’, meaning Sophie required an emergency C-Section.
Baby Otis, who arrived via emergency C-Section (Picture: @thediaryofadad)
‘I definitely felt feelings of helplessness, because I couldn’t do anything, medically, to help,’ says Ben.
‘I think what a lot of people don’t really appreciate is that it’s major surgery that’s happening, just the other side of this blue sheet. I couldn’t see everything that was going on, but I was very aware that lots of stuff was happening there. It was quite humbling.
‘The doctors just literally advise you to sit there, hold your wife’s hands, and wait, but you almost feel like you want to do more than that. That feeling is quite strange.’
After losing the twins, watching Raya born prematurely at 27 weeks was also hard. ‘She had to be resuscitated and brought back a couple of times,’ says Ben. ‘So yeah… that was very eventful.’
Thankfully, after 11 weeks in hospital she’s now home and doing well. But Ben, who’s a content creator and runs The Diary of a Dad, reassures fathers-to-be it’s not all drama and excitement – a lot of the time you’re just waiting for something to happen.
‘I’ve definitely fallen asleep in the chair in the corner at stages,’ he admits. ‘Not during an actual delivery, but definitely on the way leading up to it!’
Frank Fallon with his sons Theo and Ezra, now one (Picture: Supplied)
Frank Fallon, 37, from Ealing, also had time to kill when his wife Frankie was admitted to hospital, but had plenty of tasks to complete to fill the hours.
The couple were supposed to get married on July 30 2022, but two days before their wedding, a routine check-up for their twins revealed potential complications and doctors ‘made a plan to get them out’ the next day.
Frankie was advised to have a C-section – unplanned, but not a rushed emergency – so the couple waited hours upon hours for a surgeon to become available.
In the meantime, Frank was tasked with contacting every wedding vendor and guest, to tell them the celebrations would be postponed.
‘As you can imagine, we were completely shell shocked, because it wasn’t expected,’ he says. ‘And it was also the fact that we had a wedding the following day. We had 100 people coming, some traveling from France, Germany…’
Rearranging the wedding proved to be a blessing in disguise, giving Frank something to focus on. Friends and family who’d travelled into town for the celebrations met up and had dinner together, sending them photos and well wishes. They also enjoyed an email chain from the registrars at Ealing Council wishing them good luck. But the day was still stressful.
‘Frankie was nil by mouth [while we were waiting],’ recalls Frank. ‘My issue is that when I get stressed, I eat! I probably had like four or five meals that day, I had to keep on sneaking off.’
Frank, wife Frankie, and their newborn boys (Picture: Supplied)
Without time to create a labour playlist, the couple used their wedding soundtrack when the C-section finally started.
Baby Theo arrived first at 11.39pm, followed by little brother Erza, who was pulled out just as George Ezra’s ‘Anyone for You (Tiger Lily)’ started playing.
Despite their prematurity, both boys were healthy and cried quickly. Hearing them set the parents off, too.
‘It was basically the best that we could have wished for,’ says Frank. ‘It was very emotional for us both. We were just looking on, absolutely amazed.
‘I think as a dad you spend all those months kind of unsure of what’s going to happen, and then suddenly, you’re just looking at this tiny, tiny person that’s yours, and it’s quite surreal.’
Frank’s joyful first skin-on-skin contact with the twins (Picture: Supplied)
While Frank’s babies arrived early, Anthony Walker, a 40-year-old dad based in Manchester, had a long wait to meet his daughter, Eve, who was born six months ago when wife Katie was induced 10 days overdue.
‘It did become a little bit more nerve-wracking, because the chance of things going wrong increases,’ he says. ‘It was my first child, and my wife’s first child, so it felt like a complete step into the unknown.’
It was more than 24 hours between the induction and Katie entering active labour, during which time Anthony was sent home twice, because the hospital didn’t have space for dads hanging about. He remembers wanting to be involved, but feeling like a spare part.
‘You’re with someone who is going through the most intense, emotional, physical and strenuous thing she’ll ever do, and you’re just kind of stood next to her going: “Errr, shall I pop home for a quick nap then?”’ he says.
‘Ultimately, especially in the later stages of the day, you’re kind of under the feet of the people who really need to do their jobs, so you end up just kind of sitting in the corner of the room.’
Anthony Walker with baby daughter Eve (Picture: Supplied)
Eve’s eventual arrival was ‘the most intense thing,’ adds Anthony.
‘You know the phrase about war that it’s hours of standing around doing nothing and then moments of sheer terror? It was definitely sheer terror,’ he says.
‘Then the baby arrives and it’s quite bewildering. There was no magic, no crescendo of music, it was just: “And here is the baby, and now you are parents”.’
But, proving that every dad’s experience is different, Chris Savory, 42 from Croydon, says he ‘never felt marginalised or redundant’ while watching his wife Olivia give birth. They welcomed their daughter Martha in December 2018 and Clara in January 2023.
‘It felt like we were doing the whole thing as a team – even if I was essentially the equivalent of pit crew to my wife’s F1 drive – and that we were connected with each other and the baby,’ he says.
Though Olivia was induced both times, Chris says the two experiences couldn’t have been more different, partly due to first-time parent nerves, but also because things got moving much more quickly the first time around.
With their eldest, labour was ‘stressful’, ‘chaotic’, but ultimately ‘medically straightforward enough’.
Chris and Olivia Savory with daughters Martha and Clara (Picture: Supplied)
A few ‘oh sh*t’ moments will stay with him forever: ‘When Olivia vomited into a cardboard bedpan in hospital reception and my heart rate hit about 200; when she was doubled over in pain in a curtained-off bay and no-one came to help, when her waters finally broke, and both our eyes went Looney Tunes-wide; when Martha’s head first started to appear; and the final push, complete with feral roar, before she emerged into the world.’
With Clara, doctors wanted to monitor Olivia after induction, so it was a ‘very tedious’ 12-hour wait before anything happened. They watched films, read books, and Chris caught up on some work,
His chief role, though, was errand boy, ‘whether they were strictly necessary or not’. This included trips to get more water or snacks, asking the midwife questions, calls to friends and family, and generally ‘pottering around the bed’ to make sure his wife was okay.
The most memorable moment was the final stage of labour, which (after a slow start), ramped up quickly and took less than 15 minutes.
‘There wasn’t much time to take things in,’ he says. ‘What I’ll always remember most is being the one to ‘catch’ Baby Clara as she came out, and the surreal feeling of delivering my own baby – in the absolute loosest sense of the word.’
So, do our dads have any advice for any fathers-to-be?
Frank recommends getting clued up about both vaginal birth and C-Sections ahead of time, as you never know what’s going to happen. If you’re expecting (or have recently had) twins, he’s also found the Twins Trust to be a fantastic resource.
Ben echoes this, advising dads to ‘get as involved as you can’ with prep like the birthing plan and hospital bag, to make things less overwhelming for both you and your partner.
And Anthony reassures dads that while you might feel ‘useless’ for some of the day, your presence is invaluable – and something you’ll never regret.
‘You can’t really do anything, you’re not medically trained to do anything, but you’re there – as a reassuring presence for your partner,’ he says.
‘It’ll be one of the most amazing moments of your life.’
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‘Sheer terror… and one of the most amazing moments of your life.’
