I felt trapped in a blur of grief (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

Pulling on my skinny jeans and high heels, I was preparing to leave my six-week old baby son at home with my husband.

Even though it was the first time I’d put make-up on since he was born, I wasn’t nervous to leave him. Rather, I was more than ready for a night with the girls in Colchester town.

It used to be a regular occourence, but I have quit drinking now, and the words of my son recently have shown me exactly why.

On that night, I knocked back one vodka and Coke after another, gradually I felt the pain start to ease, my body beginning to feel numb.

You see, I should have given birth to twins, and though my son had been born weighing a healthy 5lbs12oz, there had been a problem with my daughter and she had died during delivery.

I couldn’t quite understand how, on that night in October 2005, I’d gone into hospital carrying two babies, but only came home with one.

Words can’t express the pain and loss I felt. The agony of losing my daughter.

But, for the sake of my son, I couldn’t let grief consume me. I carried on, somehow, and after two days we were discharged.

At home though, I felt trapped in a blur of grief. 

I don’t think I quite realised it though until I began pouring the alcohol down my throat.

Once my son was in bed I would pour myself a drink to relax (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

It worked. I was numb, and before I knew it, I was in a drunken fight with another woman in the club that the police had to break up. 

I woke up with so much shame and guilt for hurting someone else. 

The hurt and upset consumed me so much that I drank the night after to ease the anxiety. 

That was the start of a slippery slope.

During the daytime I could control myself. My priority was being a mum.

But once my son was in bed I would pour myself a drink to relax – one turned to two and I found it hard to stop – I could easily drink half a litre of vodka a night.

I would often head to bed in the early hours, after having fallen asleep on the settee. My then husband and I would argue about my drinking and we began to grow apart. 

I could easily drink half a litre of vodka a night (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

Two months later I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and scared – excited because I wanted a little girl to fill the hole that Kelise, my unborn child, had left but also scared that something terrible would happen again.

The only silver lining was that I knew in these next nine months, there would be no drinking. Even though I never thought I had a problem, I had seen it as something that helped me get through the tough time.   

For the duration of the pregnancy I didn’t touch a drop. But not long after my second child, a little girl, was born, the pressure of having two children under two took its toll and I once again would turn to the bottle whenever the children were asleep.

This put a huge strain on my relationship. And after three years, my marriage ended.

At my absolute lowest point, I tried to take my own life (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

Of course, suddenly becoming a single parent and still consumed with grief did nothing for my drinking. It and my eating habits spiralled out of control.

Whenever my ex-husband had the children, I’d spend the weekend boozing. A cycle that continued until the end of 2010 when I met a new partner.

By then I was so down and depressed, mainly about my weight and having no money, that I started my own weight loss business – Terri Ann’s 1-2-3 plan.

Helping inspire others to follow healthy diets and lose weight gave me new-found purpose. 

Best of all, with something to occupy my mind, drinking wasn’t as much of a problem. I was so busy, I didn’t have time to even process day to day life, never mind think about alcohol. I channelled any negative thoughts I had into helping other people.

In 2013 I had another daughter, was re-married in 2015 and welcomed another little boy in 2016.

With something to occupy my mind, drinking wasn’t as much of a problem (Picture: Terri-Ann Mitchell)

Between family life and my business life was hectic, still there were times when my old emotions would resurface. I would drink socially and my personality would change. I had so much hurt and anger that I kept suppressed, but when I drank I lost control and I would explode.

My husband and I would end up in huge arguments over my drinking and working all the time. 

Eventually in 2020, after 10 years together, my second marriage ended – once again due to my dependence on drink.

All the patterns of my past – binge eating, drinking at weekends – came back with a vengeance.

My weight ballooned, which in turn meant I had no motivation to work as I felt like a fraud and in 2021, at my absolute lowest point, I tried to take my own life.

Fortunately, my eldest daughter, who was 15 at the time, found me and got help. In hospital I was referred for counselling and prescribed antidepressants.

It took me until February of this year to get some real help (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

Knowing my drinking was absolutely a problem at this point, I tried to quit. 

Sometimes I managed it for a few weeks, but always seemed to fall back into old habits of going out with my friends and falling off the wagon.

Come Christmas 2022, I spiralled again. I got so drunk on Christmas Day that, when the kids turned up on Boxing Day I was too hungover to do anything fun with them.

The hate, guilt and shame hit me thick and fast. I’d let my business down, myself and worst of all my kids.

Even so, it took me until February of this year to get some real help.

‘I’m at rock bottom,’ I admitted to my friend, Allen. ‘I’m drinking too much and need to sort my life out.’

‘Why don’t you come to church?’ he suggested.

I had been to church the odd time with another supportive friend but had never really been in the mindset to listen. This time I was.

I started going to church weekly, which gave me a sense of accountability, and I began volunteering in the food bank that gave me a purpose too.

Of course, I knew I still had to address the root of the problem.

Slowly I started peeling back the layers of trauma by reading books about self-help and also doing healing workshops on YouTube. 

I realised that because I didn’t have a father-figure, my decisions and how I dealt with problems in my life was clouded by it. I had a lot of hate and anger towards him and I learnt that I needed to heal my inner child. 

I needed to forgive my dad and stop blaming myself for not wanting to be in my life.

It took time, but gradually I started to feel good about myself and with that, I began phasing alcohol out of my life.

It’s now been nine months since I last had a drink (Picture: Terri Ann Mitchell)

I started slowly. Stopped drinking for one week, which slowly turned into another week and then another. Even on nights out with friends I’d stick to the soft drinks.

‘Are you sure you don’t want one?’ they would ask.

‘No I’m sure,’ I would smile. And I realised something too, I didn’t miss it. I didn’t need alcohol to have a good time.

Going without alcohol came with other perks too. I wasn’t hungover all the time, which meant I had more energy, so I went back to the gym, began eating healthily again and was able to do more things with the children too. 

I wasn’t tired and moody all the time and so was able to be a better mum, a better friend, and also financially was better off too.

So I stuck at it and it’s now been nine months since I last had a drink. My life has been transformed.

My business is thriving again. My children are happier. I’m happier.

Just the other day my seven-year-old son said: ‘I’m so glad you don’t drink any more Mummy. We get to do more fun stuff at weekends.’

It broke my heart hearing him say that, but also made me feel proud about how far I’ve come.

This festive season I won’t be tempted to touch a drop, because going sober has given me my life back, and I’m not prepared to throw it away again.

Find out more about Terri-Ann’s business here.

As told to Rachel Tompkins.

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‘I’m so glad you don’t drink any more Mummy. We get to do more fun stuff at weekends.’