Just like that, I have broken rule number one of the Christmas shagging season (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
Lying on my sofa, nursing a sore head courtesy of the festive party I hosted the night before, my phone vibrates as a text comes through.
It’s from an ex-boyfriend asking whether I fancy grabbing a drink.
This is potentially (definitely) a bad idea.
We had a very painful break-up, but after running into each other a few weeks earlier, we are now in the first stages of reassessing our ill-fated romance.
I’m feeling a little down because I won’t see my family this year, so I invite him over.
Just like that, I have broken rule number one of the Christmas shagging season: don’t let the holiday spirit inspire you to bed your ex.
Before I go on to the other rules – and yes, there are quite a few – let me finish my cautionary tale.
One drink turned into many and we ended up spending the whole day together, reminiscing and having sex.
As if the cliché wasn’t bad enough, we even watched Die Hard in bed.
This all happened over a decade ago, and I’m sorry to say the end was more akin to a disaster film than a Hallmark happily-ever-after.
My ex and I just ended up ripping open old wounds, which were even more painful to close the second time around.
The fact it was around Christmas actually made things worse, because the remainder of the month consisted of an avalanche of photos, videos and messages of other people having a lovely time – while I was dealing with a freshly-broken heart.
If there’s alcohol involved, check in with each other so that you’re 100% sure that you’re both okay (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
This rule has a subsection too; if you head back to your hometown for the holidays, try not to let the temptation of sleeping with ‘the one who got away’ get to you.
There was probably a reason you didn’t date or shag this person – a neighbour, ex-classmate or that random guy from the uni pub – to begin with.
Make sure that the nostalgia of being on your old stomping grounds, among your family and childhood friends, isn’t influencing your decision-making.
That being said, rekindling old flames isn’t always a bad idea. I’m not a Grinch and it can have a happy ending. But enter into this danger zone with a clear head, not when you’re drunk, hungover or high on sugar from eating too many Celebrations.
Rule number two: if you’re going to have sex with a colleague after the Xmas party, tread extremely carefully.
I used to work as a bartender in my early 20s and during a company party, a fellow team member and I were ‘caught’ fooling around in the stockroom.
Granted, the hospitality industry is known for being more relaxed about workplace romances (at least on junior staff levels) compared to more traditional offices, and although my boss laughed things off, I was still mortified.
It didn’t matter that it was after hours, consensual or that we didn’t work in the same nightclub, there were still unintended consequences for me as a woman in particular.
Male colleagues whispered behind my back, all the while giving high fives to the man I’d slept with. Misogyny strikes again, but that’s a story for a different day.
Don’t shag on company premises (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
I decided then and there that if I ever shagged or dated a colleague again, I would keep the information to myself.
Of course, it’s unrealistic to expect employees to not develop feelings for each other. We spend a big chunk of our lives at work, and love and lust works in mysterious ways – not to mention that a recent survey shows 43% of participants met their spouse at work.
But it’s important to toe this line very carefully and if you can, keep your business private until things get serious.
In other words: if you’re tempted to make out with Dave from accounting or confess your feelings for Sharon from sales at the Christmas bash, maybe wait until you’re out of sight.
Consent is also paramount, especially if you are on different seniority levels.
If there’s alcohol involved, check in with each other so that you’re 100% sure that you’re both OK with what is about to happen. Be sure that you’re willing to accept the potential emotional consequences too, like seeing each other in the office the following week if things don’t work out.
And don’t shag on company premises – it’s better to get the expensive cab and head home together.
More from Platform
Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media.
Find some of our best reads of the week below:
Stephanie Basnett was just 19 when she started being stalked by her ex. Her torment only stopped when he started doing it to another woman. And then another. The three got together and sent him to jail.
When Kevin Jordan bought his house 14 years ago for £85k, he was told by surveyors it would stand for a 100 years. Now, he’s being evicted and his home demolished before it falls off a cliff face.
Gyles Brandreth is well known for his jumpers. Metro got a peek inside his basement, which houses his 366-strong knitwear collection.
And finally, Jayne Baldock’s mum Gina was told she didn’t have cancer after she started throwing up black bile – but doctors couldn’t explain her worsening condition. Months later, they revealed Gina did have cancer and it was too late to do anything.
My related third rule: Sex toys – from dildos to whips – are great but they are not an appropriate Secret Santa present, not even gag gifts. Especially if it’s going to be opened at a public event, party or are for a colleague.
Four: If you’re invited to a festive event, don’t treat it as your personal sexual smorgasbord.
It’s natural to meet new lovers through friends, but your mate probably planned this event in advance – especially if it’s a dinner – so respect that effort. The sex can wait until the end of the night or the next day.
The fifth rule of the Christmas shagging season is pretty simple. Give up the mistletoe – for good.
Please stop using this as an ‘excuse’ to give people an unwanted peck. If someone really wants to kiss you, the presence of an evergreen shrub will never be the deciding factor.
My final and sixth rule? Don’t forget to have fun.
Many people, couples in particular, put pressure on themselves to make this season a super sexy event – but it doesn’t have to be.
There are plenty of studies out there that suggest Christmastime is one of the most popular times to get down and dirty in the bedroom. While research is often helpful, in this case, ignore the numbers.
The holidays – Christmas and New Year’s included – do not automatically make us horny.
You don’t need to dress up for your partner or wear fancy lingerie just because the occasion apparently calls for it. Essentially, sex is not a necessary ingredient for a great Christmas.
If you do fancy some intimacy, why not have a cuddle with your partner on the sofa instead? There’ll be plenty of time for sex in 2024.
That being said, the festive season can be a great time to get frisky – with yourself or others. And if you want to treat it like your very own advent calendar – with a sexual partner behind every new door – that’s cool too.
I spent one Christmas with a fake turkey hat on my head, partying at a hostel in Australia, which was followed by a very memorable night with a man from my friendship group.
Just do whatever feels comfortable to you, not what others expect of you.
Follow these rules and you’re sure to have a jolly good time.
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Sex toys – from dildos to whips – are great but they are not an appropriate Secret Santa present.
