Her husband says their life is already ‘complete’ (Picture: Getty/ Metro.co.uk)
A relationship can seem perfect – but if you’re not on the same page about children, things can get complicated, pretty quickly.
This week, we hear from a reader who desperately wants a baby, but her husband says their life is ‘complete’ without one.
Devastated, the reader is unsure what to do next: can she persuade him to see things her way? Or is her relationship doomed?
Before you go, read last week’s dilemma, where a man reveals how he got his younger mistress pregnant – and now, she wants him to leave his wife.
The problem…
I’m struggling to be pleased for my pregnant friend, because I myself am desperate for a baby and my husband says no. It’s not like we’ve only just met – we’ve been together for six years, married for two, and are both in our early thirties. To me, a baby seems the natural next step, but not to him.
When we first met, he said he didn’t want children until we owned our own house, but even though we scrimped and saved to buy a place last year, he now says he feels our life is complete without children. That came as a bolt from the blue, as he has always promised me a baby ‘one day’.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but all he says is that seeing friends with kids has put him off completely. He thinks children are noisy, expensive, and tie you down – and although I try to point out the positive aspects of parenthood, these conversations get me nowhere.
I’m so desperate, I’ve even wished I could trick him into getting me pregnant, but because he always insists on wearing a condom, it’s virtually impossible.
I love him dearly and in most respects we’re a perfect couple. But this difference in outlook towards children is starting to drive a wedge between us. I’m beginning to worry that our relationship may not even survive.
Meanwhile, I’m harbouring deep feelings of resentment towards my friend, who has never cared if she has children or not.
Laura says…
Your relationship may be wonderful in many ways right now, but you seem to lack a shared vision of the future. Plenty of couples choose not to have children, but if one desperately wants a baby and the other is vehemently against the idea, it often spells trouble.
What begins as a difference of opinion over starting a family, leads to resentment and anger about other things. So, before it gets that far, it’s important to sort this issue out.
If your husband feels your life is complete without children, ask him whether that means he never wants them at any point. You may not like the answer, but it’s vital that you know.
Don’t reluctantly give in to his wishes just to save the marriage, and then wake up in ten years’ time, full of regret. Splitting up is painful but if you two can’t agree, it might be time to form a new relationship with someone who shares your dreams.
Once your partner realises that his refusal to have children could cause the marriage to end, he may have a change of heart.
Finally, being pleased for your friend doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad for yourself. If you really struggle with your feelings, talking them over with a counsellor will help.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].
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‘I wish I could trick him into getting me pregnant.’