Is it toxic to want to be monogomous? (Credits: Getty Images)
Polyamory, sex parties and swinging are all practices becoming commonplace in the world of sex and relationships.
And even if you’ve never explored a form of non-monogamy, you probably know someone who has.
Dating app, Feeld, is known for being sex-positive and kink-friendly, and it’s recently surged in popularity. In October 2023, the New York Times published an article titled It’s Not Just For Throuples Anymore, citing how this ‘alternative’ dating lifestyle has become more mainstream.
But, in a society that is more sex positive than ever, are those who prefer to practice monogamy at risk of being labelled antiquated or, worse, misogynistic?
Mark* who has been in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend for eight monthsm posed this very question on Reddit.
He’s heavily into BDSM but when discussing limits with friends in the BDSM community, Mark revealed he didn’t want his girlfriend practicing polyamory or sleeping with anyone else but him.
Introducing the idea of polyamory can be threatening to a partner (picture: Getty Images)
Mark also has no desire to sleep with anyone but his girlfriend, however he was branded ‘toxic for limiting [his] partner’s sexual liberation’ when it came to experimenting with other men and women.
He said that he’s also been branded a sex-negative person by some in his friendship circle.
‘Either you’re into this new wave of free f**king or you’re a misogynist toxic asshole,’ he added.
But is rejecting polyamory really anti-feminist? Clinical sexologist and therapist Ness Cooper tells Metro.co.uk that labelling someone in this way is problematic.
Ness says: ‘Calling a monogamous relationship misogynistic isn’t helpful. What needs to be addressed are the ideas around monogamy and where
these have originated from for each individual in the relationship.
‘There are different ways to experience monogamy and it’s not always
influenced by male dominance and patriarchy.
‘After all, dominance and patriarchy don’t have to come hand in hand – many people are submissive and still misogynistic.’
What is polyamory?
‘Polyamorous’ is an umbrella term for non-monogamous relationships:
Someone with multiple partners who are not connected but are equal (sometimes called anarchamory)
A group where all partners are committed to each other in a triad or sometimes more (triad/quad/delta/throuple/non-hierarchical poly)
A pair defined as primary partners – the person they are closest to – and then other secondary or tertiary partners (hierarchical poly)
Someone with a single emotional partner but they are sexually open with more than that one person (open relationship/ethical or consensual non-monogamy ([ENM/CNM]).
Polyamory can involve marriage but should not be confused with polygamy, the act of marrying multiple people, which is illegal in many countries.
Power dynamics and rules are huge in BDSM, so particularly in this space, Ness explains ‘many people struggle to find their own rules and dynamics, following what they think others are doing in relationships’.
When someone has progressed to exploring polyamory they may assume it’s an easy adjustment to make, but this certainly isn’t the case, and the individual’s hesitation or refusal isn’t ‘toxic’.
Ness explains: ‘Claiming things people do differently as toxic is a natural response for many it but doesn’t explore the depth of what’s going on for the
individuals involved.
‘There may be an unmet need or conversation at work, and labelling something as toxic can indicate there’s something wrong. Expecting someone to be open about everything is unrealistic, and may also be a sign that relationship boundaries and limits haven’t been discussed yet.’
For some couples, polyamory could be explored by both parties or one party could choose to remain monogamous (Picture: Getty Images/Cavan Images RF)
In Mark’s case, Ness points out that eight months isn’t a long stretch of time, so the idea of polyamory being introduced so early could feel ‘threatening’.
‘If someone is new to the idea of opening up their relationship,
particularly in the early stages, it may feel a bit threatening to them and that’s natural,’ Ness says.
She explains that polyamory or consensual non-monogamy ‘crosses various lines for people’, and some see it as a sexuality and others see it as a lifestyle choice. You wouldn’t judge someone for their sexuality and this goes both ways.
You’re not automatically a ‘sex negative’ person if polyamory isn’t for you.
Thoughts on polyamory from the BDSM community:
Countess Diamond is a dominatrix who practices BDSM and has countless clients who choose to explore polyamory and plenty who don’t.
While people may assume that polyamory is the norm within the BDSM community, this isn’t necessarily the case.
Diamond tells Metro.co.uk: ‘While the sexual lives of polyamorists, swingers and those into orgies, group sex and non-monogamy do overlap with the interests, events and lifestyles of those interested in kink, it’s important to remember that BDSM is not entirely focused upon liberation from monogamy.
‘The concept of what is considered “normal” or acceptable regarding sexual behaviour in dominant and submissive relationships is broad, but the general focus is upon bondage, discipline and protocol within sadomasochism.’
You can actually practice BDSM exclusively between you and your partner, without introducing a third party into your relationship.
Diamond adds: ‘I know many kinksters and fetishists in the BDSM scene who regularly sleep with people other than their partners. I also know many, like myself, who don’t.
‘BDSM may include aspects of taboo sex, chastity, encouraged sexual expression or freedoms but its nature is rooted in freedom of sexual expression more generally, rather than the freedom to sleep with whomever you wish.’
Ness explains that to resolve this, a discussion is needed between Mark and his girlfriend, not between Mark and his peers because this can lead to biases and peer pressure.
So, you aren’t anti-feminist and you aren’t misogynistic, but how do you navigate a relationship where one person is poly and the other isn’t?
‘Some people expect if one partner is into consensual non-monogamy then
the other should give it a go too. However, this can lead to a lot of
pressure from one partner,’ Ness explains.
‘I’ve seen many couples both try consensual non-monogamy, just because there’s a sense of having to level the playing field and make the relationship fair, however, it generally doesn’t work and the monogamous partner struggles.
‘I have also witnessed couples who decide to explore things separately, where one simply stays monogamous whilst the other explores polyamory, and for some, this can work better.
‘The main thing to take away is, that couples need to have a good
understanding of their wants and needs both as individuals and as a
couple and be able to communicate these for a relationship to work.
‘Whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous you’re also creating your own
rules and dynamic that must work for your relationship and individual
needs and following other people’s rules can get in the way of you both
being authentic together.’
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They branded me ‘toxic’.