I’ll never forget my first Christmas without Dad – bereaved children need better support

Paul James, now 65, lost his dad when he was just 14 (Credits: Getty Images)

‘My dad suffered a catastrophic stroke when he was just 47,’ says Paul James.

‘He died in hospital a short while later, a few days before my 14th birthday, leaving behind me, the eldest of five brothers, my mum and my sister.’

Paul, now 65 and living in Wells, Somerset, is a semi-retired headteacher who coaches school leaders across the South West. Alongside long-distance walking, he spends his spare time as a Volunteer Community Ambassador for Winston’s Wish, helping children who’ve gone through bereavement as he did over five decades ago.

After his father’s passing, Paul says his grief ‘was either ignored or dealt with badly’.

He tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I was, for example, told not to cry at my dad’s funeral and that I should “grow up and be a man”. Relatives told me that I was now the “man of the house”, a role I was ill-equipped to fulfil.

‘My teachers at school knew because my mum wrote a note on a page taken from one of my exercise books, which I gave to my tutor. He told me to show it to my teachers as I went from lesson to lesson. None of teachers talked to me about it and my friends seemed embarrassed by it. I felt very alone.’

Paul has since raised thousands for the charity Winston’s Wish (Picture: Supplied)

Although Christmas was ‘a time of great excitement and a lot of fun for his family,’ festive celebrations were markedly different with one parent missing.

‘I distinctly remember our first one without my Dad,’ Paul says.

‘My mother did her very best but my dad’s death left a huge void in our lives. I don’t remember talking about him, just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss.’

As the years went on, Paul built a successful career in education, got married and had three daughters of his own. But through happy and sad times alike, he always missed his dad, saying his death has followed him ‘like a dark shadow’.

Paul believes he and his family’s life would have been greatly improved by more support after their loss. So for the last few years, he has dedicated himself to ‘making sure that no other child or young person suffers a similar experience’ to the one he did.

Paul is the eldest of five brothers and has one older sister (Picture: Supplied)

He initially started raising money for Barnados and NSPCC once he stepped back as headteacher at Crispin School in Street, before coming across a Winston’s Wish tent at Glastonbury Festival.

As the UK’s first youth bereavement charity, Winston’s Wish helps 62,000 children, teenagers and young adults each year when their worlds are turned upside down by grief.

Alongside a free helpline and social media resources, it offers individual and group therapy sessions, community outreach opportunities, and residential weekends – where bereaved kids meet others in their situation and talk through their experiences. Just as importantly, they also have fun.

The charity also offers specialised training to professionals in a variety of settings including healthcare and education, to help the adults around a grieving youngster to be best equipped to support them.

‘I knew that I had found the charity for me,’ says Paul.

‘It chimed with me so strongly. It was like finding another family, one with skilful and dedicated people who knew how to support children and young people through their grief by saying and doing the right things. I haven’t looked back since.’

Since then, Paul has raised thousands for the charity in a number of inventive ways, from selling the fruit and veg he grows in his garden to fulfilling his dream of walking the length of Italy.

Always a keen walker, he hiked Morocco aged 19 (Picture: Supplied)

Ahead of the 330-mile sponsored ‘pilgrimage’ from Aosta to Lucca in 2022, he was training in the garden when the rope he was using for pullups snapped and he fell. Knowing something wasn’t right he went to hospital, where x-rays revealed broken bones in his lower spine.

‘Unfortunately, after initially making a good recovery, I developed Polymyalgia Rheumatica, a painful condition which affects the joints,’ says Paul.

‘After all the planning and training, my walk had to be cancelled, and I thought my days of long-distance walking were over. However, after a diagnosis and successful medication (which I still take), I was back on my feet.

‘Discretion being the better part of valour, I decided complete the walk in two parts, the first 150 miles in April of this year and the next 180 miles in October.’

He’s now planning to walk the next 600 miles of the Southern Via Francigena, starting from Rome, in April next year and is looking for corporate sponsorship to raise even more money.

Paul walked the length of Italy despite having broken his spine (Picture: Supplied)

Help has come from unexpected sources too, like the Dutch man he met at the end of his most recent journey.

‘I asked him to take some photos of me whilst I was wearing my Winston’s Wish shirt,’ says Paul. ‘He was fascinated to learn about the charity, and I subsequently learned that he made a substantial donation to the cause.’

Like many people working in education, Paul has come across many children who have been bereaved.

Recalling a particular memory that’s stuck with him, he says: ‘The father of a boy in year seven had died. I was on breaktime duty in the hall and I saw him standing alone: he looked crestfallen

‘I went up to him and said how sorry I was that his dad had died and that we would do everything we could to support him. He just threw his arms around my waist and hugged me. Despite concerns about safeguarding, my instincts as a dad and a bereaved person myself kicked in.

‘I knelt down and hugged him, and he sobbed into my shoulder for what seemed like an age.’

One of the things he’s most proud of is offering that boy support and helping him deal with his grief in a positive way.

This Christmas, Winston’s Wish is asking people to take part in the 12Ks of Christmas appeal to raise money for its services, while its Wish Wall initiative allows you to share a message for a lost loved one or for children living with grief over the festive period.

Paul is living proof that, while it may be different, life goes on after loss.

His Christmas this year will be very different to that first one without his dad, who he still thinks about every day. Paul plans to spend the day in the ‘best possible way,’ surrounded by his wife, daughters, and their two Jack Russells.

Having been busy all December manning stalls for Santa-themed fun runs and running mufti days in aid of Winston’s Wish, this family time will be a welcome break.

Winston’s Wish is keen to reassure bereaved young people and their families that they are welcome to chat online, email or call for free to speak to a bereavement support worker by calling 08088 020 021, emailing [email protected] or using the live chat at winstonswish.org.

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Inspired by his own experience, Paul James has raised thousands to help bereaved children.