Why am I being the Scrooge of sex, you ask? I’ll explain (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
Rummaging through my closet, I desperately search for the only G-string I own.
It’s past midnight and I should be in bed relaxing. Instead, I’ve been sexting my lover who works nights and has just informed me he is coming over once his shift is done.
As if that wasn’t enough excitement for one evening, he’s also asked me to wear a thong for the occasion.
While there are women out there who like this design, I am certainly not one of them. I’ve hated it ever since I first tried it as a teenager.
However, I am a woman who likes to please her sexual partner.
And that’s how I find myself in this situation, squeezing into a lacey number, feeling as though I’m flossing my own bum cheeks.
This is one of many times where I’ve dressed up for a date or boyfriend, presenting myself as a present to be unwrapped for their enjoyment.
Sexual gift-giving can be great fun. Annual events like Christmas or anniversaries are prime occasions for spicing up your sex life – whether that’s by wearing an elaborate outfit, trying out a new position or introducing adult toys.
However, heed my warning dear reader, because they can also be a risky endeavour.
Why am I being the Scrooge of sex, you ask? I’ll explain.
Gifting sex might be well-intended, but it can have the opposite effect (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
A few years back, I was speaking to a married friend who was telling me that his sex life had all but dried up.
They rarely slept together but every year, on his birthday, his wife ‘treated’ him to a blowjob.
My pal said he still enjoyed the physical side of oral sex, but admitted that the event had become ‘routine’. As such, both parties found it quite dull – it was just another task on the to-do-list.
In my opinion, it seemed this ‘gift’ was being utilised as a fix-all solution for problems that ran much deeper.
They aren’t alone though. Giving sex as a gift might be well-intended, but often it can have the opposite effect if done without care.
Another example that comes to mind is when an ex of mine used to joke about how he’d ‘treat’ (there’s that word again) me to oral sex.
Be cautious not to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation or it could have dire consequences for you and/or your relationship
Now, I’m not particularly bothered about getting head – it’s never been my thing – but the fact that he considered this some kind of favour felt a bit insulting.
Partially because I make damn sure to be enthusiastic when I give oral sex and I expect the same level of attention from a partner.
But also because making this appear as some kind of good deed on his behalf removed the sexiness of the offer.
Movies, books and Western social culture like to suggest that, among the genders, men in particular prefer to receive sexual presents more than women.
After all, there are plenty of gift guides and magazines aimed at women that recommend expensive lingerie or new holiday-themed ‘tricks’ to use in the bedroom – but I rarely see the same for our male counterparts.
Curious to find out how men actually feel about getting sex as a gift, I asked a friend for his perspective.
‘I love a blowjob or orgasm as much as the next guy but if my girlfriend gave me sex – in any form – for Christmas or birthdays, I’d be really upset,’ he told me.
It’s always OK to say no, regardless of what stage the sex is at (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
‘It feels lazy, like she couldn’t be bothered to think of what to get me and settled on a shag because it’s easier.’ He added. ‘I also wouldn’t know if she was really in the mood for sex or if this was just going through the motions for my benefit, and that doesn’t sit right with me.’
There are likely men and women out there who disagree, and that’s OK.
I’m not saying that ‘giving’ sex is wrong – it isn’t. More so that I want you to really think it through before you do it.
Be cautious not to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation or it could have dire consequences for you and/or your relationship.
Let’s say a partner tells you they have always wanted a threesome and you decide to surprise them with this scenario for a present. Suddenly, you find yourself in uncharted waters, having not had a conversation about boundaries beforehand.
You might feel uneasy but unable to speak up. This isn’t exactly something you can refund, return or exchange, is it now?
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Or perhaps you give your partner an ‘IOU one night of steamy sex’ voucher under the tree, but you’re not in the mood when they decide to cash it.
For the record, it’s always OK to say no, regardless of what stage the sex is at.
But my point is that tying a sexual experience to a date or event – like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, an anniversary etc – adds extra and unnecessary pressure.
Build up the expectation too much and it might all come crashing down.
Gift-giving is also inherently considered a selfless act, meaning you might forego your own feelings to make someone else happy. When it comes to sex, that’s a dangerous precedent to set. We all have limits that must be respected.
I’ve spent so much time, money and effort throughout the years on making sure the other person had a good time by ‘gifting’ their desires, like surprising one ex with a blowjob in the kitchen because it was a fantasy of his.
Or the time I wore a suspender belt, knee-highs, stilettos – the whole shebang – for a lover who made absolutely no effort in return beyond turning up drunk to our sex date, and let’s not forget the aforementioned thong.
Admittedly, when I was younger, I sometimes did these things purely so I’d seem more exciting to them. I almost forgot that there were two of us in the bed.
So while I don’t regret any of these experiences – because I received satisfaction from my partners’ pleasure – I wish I had considered my own needs more.
Nowadays, being more sexually experienced and comfortable in my own skin, I will consider what my lover might want but always check in with myself first.
When I’ve spoken to exes about sexual gift-giving all of them told me that while they loved fulfilling fantasies with me, it was much more important to them that I enjoyed myself. That was their first priority.
Now that (level of consideration) is a real gift!
As for wearing a thong for someone else, though? Never again.
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This isn’t exactly something you can refund, return or exchange, is it now?
