I don’t want to get married and resent it (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.
Dear Alison,
I feel bad for even putting this down on paper, but I think I want to call off my engagement. It’s not that I don’t love my partner any more – I really, really do – I just don’t think I want to be married.
We’ve been engaged for five years, taking our time before getting wed so we can save up for the ‘perfect’ wedding. The longer we’ve waited, the less excited I’ve become about having a wedding and less convinced being married means anything at all.
We’ve nearly saved the amount we were aiming for and my partner is excited to get planning but now I’m looking at this sum we’ve put aside and can’t help but think that this money would be better spent elsewhere – towards a house deposit or to help cover the costs of future kids.
I love my partner, and I also don’t see why I need a bit of paper to prove that.
I want to let him know that I think we should just call off the big white wedding and just stay happily coupled, but I don’t want to disappoint him or break his heart. But I also don’t want to get married and resent it.
Can I get some advice please?
Fiona
Do you have a wedding problem you need some advice on?
Weddings are joyful occasions – but they can also be incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be tense.
Alison, who has run a venue for 10 years and assists couples with wedding planning, is here to offer a helping hand.
Email [email protected] to share your issue anonymously with Alison and get it solved.
Dear Fiona,
You are not alone; the cost of living crisis has changed how much some couples want to spend on a wedding.
There is a trend now towards more budget-friendly options, including twilight receptions, small intimate gatherings, and elopements.
You clearly love your fiancé deeply, and your feelings for him are the same, which is a strong foundation for any relationship. Love is the most essential aspect of a partnership.
Have an open and honest conversation with him about your worries. Let him know that you are grateful for the love you share but are having doubts about getting married.
Your wellbeing and happiness are important, and it is essential to address your concerns openly. You should never feel bad about expressing yourself – it is important to be true to your feelings and also your partner.
Explain your worries about the financial aspects and your changing views on marriage.
You can both discuss how you’ve worked hard to save a significant amount of money, and that you now feel it would be better spent on other life goals like buying your own home together or having children.
You never know – your partner may share your concerns or be open to finding a compromise.
Take the time to reassess your priorities as a couple (Picture: AKP Branding Stories)
But, be prepared for unpredictable reactions from him. He may understand your views, but he may be disappointed or sad.
Regardless of his initial reaction, remember honesty and being true to yourself is more important.
Be empathetic and understanding when listening to his response.
If the main issue is the amount of money you will spend on a large wedding, consider alternative options such as a more budget-friendly or intimate event.
If the issue is signing a piece of paper and being married, you should consider postponing your wedding.
Marriage is a significant commitment that should align with your values and desires. It is far better to address your concerns now than go through with something you might later regret.
Your views about marriage may change over time.
Take some time for self-reflection to clarify your own feelings and desires. Explore why you have been feeling less enthusiastic about the wedding.
What does marriage mean to you? What does it symbolise in your life? Perhaps if you’re not looking for anything legally binding, you could opt for commitment ceremony with a celebrant.
If the conversation with your partner doesn’t go the way you want, or in the run up, consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor – they can help you work through your thoughts and feelings and provide guidance on how to communicate.
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You can even go to couples counselling. A third party can provide a neutral and safe space to discuss your concerns and help you both work through your feelings.
Take the time to reassess your priorities as a couple – being on the same page regarding your long-term goals and aspirations is important.
Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all answer in matters of the heart, and it is OK for you to have doubts, and it is equally OK for you to change your mind.
A healthy and fulfilling relationship is built on open communication, understanding, and shared goals.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate this challenging situation.
Good luck, and take the time to make the right decision for you both.
Alison
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The longer we’ve waited, the less excited I’ve become about having a wedding and less convinced being married means anything at all.