‘This may be due to shame’ (Picture: Getty Images)
We all have secrets and problems we’d prefer other people not know about — but keeping them from your partner isn’t a great way to go.
No, your paramour doesn’t need to know every single little thing about you, but ‘a problem shared’ is a big part of what having a partner is all about.
Unfortunately, for some, opening up about their worries and issues is easier said than done, especially when a big dose of shame is at play.
That’s why we wanted to ask the experts what the most common of these secret problems are…
Money troubles
According to Relate therapist and clinical services manager Dee Holmes, money worries are at the top of the list
‘This may be due to shame,’ she explains, ‘or a desire not to worry the other.’
However, counsellor Donna Morgan says this can actually backfire, explaining: ‘The consequences of such secrecy can be far-reaching.
‘These hidden financial issues can lead to mistrust, tension, and even arguments that seem unrelated to money matters on the surface.’
Past sexual experiences
Another common secret has more to do with their past than their present.
Counselling Directory member Laura Duester tells us: ‘Lots of people lie about their previous sexual experiences in order to appear a certain way to their partner.
‘They may worry about being perceived as too promiscuous or too inexperienced if they share the real experiences, and often fear negative judgment and rejection by their partner or their partner’s family and friends.’
‘True addicts are good at hiding their addiction’ (Picture: Getty Images)
Addiction
Addiction is also a biggie.
‘True addicts are good at hiding their addiction,’ Dee says. ‘Often that may be part of a denial strategy for themselves as much as anything else.
‘But it can lead to a lot of heartache for a partner when they discover and their trust is broken.’
Dr Claire De La Varre says addictions and money secrets tend to overlap in her experience.
‘The number one issue I find with couples is money or debt,’ she explains. ‘Money itself isn’t the issue, people’s addictive behaviours often get them into debt, whether due to compulsive shopping, gambling, or substance abuse like drugs or alcohol.
‘Sometimes it is a discrepancy in what each member of the couple is earning, for example, one person is working, and the other isn’t.’
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
Counsellor Abigail Holman tells us: ‘In my therapy practice, I often meet clients who grapple with keeping their thoughts of suicide or self-harm hidden from their partners. Their reasons are deeply rooted in love and a desire not to burden or worry their loved ones.
‘This issue is concerning because it can strain emotional closeness, delay much-needed support, and worsen their mental health struggles, ultimately impacting both partners. Moreover, this secrecy can lead to feelings of isolation, making it harder for individuals to seek the help they truly need and perpetuating the idea that they’re alone in their struggle.’
Need support?
For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org, visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.
If you’re a young person, or concerned about a young person, you can also contact PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide UK. Their HOPELINK digital support platform is open 24/7, or you can call 0800 068 4141, text 07860039967 or email: pat@papyrus-uk.org between the hours of 9am and midnight.
It’s all about respect and communication
There are things you can do to support someone struggling with suicidal thoughts, such as being an active listener, asking if they’re OK if you don’t think they’re really ‘fine’, and checking in again after your chat is over.
‘It’s important to try to give people the space to talk about things at a time and place that’s comfortable,’ Ben Phillips, head of service programmes at Samaritans, previously told us.
No matter how big your impulse to keep your worries and woes a secret, Dee stresses that communication is, as ever, essential if you want a functional relationship. Such honesty also happens to be good for your mental health.
Dee explains: ‘We may not always agree with what we hear, but at least it gives a starting point for understanding.
‘Think how, if someone is grumpy or rude to you, it can make you feel angry, annoyed, upset with them. However, if they are able to say: “I have had a bad day at work and am in a bad mood, so I’m sorry if I seem bad-tempered”, it would immediately make you feel more kindly towards them.’
Of course, using your words isn’t going to magically fix everything or excuse something you, or they may have done wrong.
‘But’, Dee adds, ‘often resentments build up through a lack of communication.
‘It is important to have mutual respect in a relationship.
‘We might not always be on the same page or agree with each other, but if we respect the other and tell them that helps a lot when things are difficult.’
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These are the biggies, in their experience.