Why you should always ask if someone wants kids on the first date

I never wanted children myself (Picture: Almara Abgarian)

I was baffled as a friend of mine recently told me that she was avoiding having a conversation with her other half about kids.

All because she had an inkling that he doesn’t want them.

They are both in their early 30s and have been together for three years. They discussed it briefly at the start of their relationship and he mentioned not being overly keen on becoming a dad.

But they swept the chat under the rug and decided it was a problem for another day. Unfortunately, the chicken has come home to roost.

I encouraged my friend to be honest about her feelings because dragging things on would only hurt them both. She took my advice and they are trying to figure out what their future looks like.

Having never wanted children myself (and no, I won’t change my mind, even if it means I ‘grow old alone’, as people like to tell me), my biological clock isn’t an issue. Mine isn’t ticking, it just sits silently waiting for the batteries to run out.

When it comes to dating, having no desire to procreate sometimes serves in my favour – but only because I’m brutally honest about it. I have a fool-proof method to avoid the type of situation my friend is in and it’s one I recommend that you try out. 

Put simply: if you don’t want to risk being stuck in a bind years from now, bring up the ‘kids versus no kids’ question on the first date.

It’s only fair that I start by offering up a pound of flesh.

Following a painful break-up earlier this year, I’ve been dipping my toe back into the water by re-downloading a few dating apps and updating my profiles, most of which include a section about kids.

I actually tend to leave this blank, but I’m not a hypocrite, I promise.

It’s because I’ve been criticised many times in my life for not wanting to become a mum by strangers, dates and friends, and it’s not something I’m willing to discuss in a DM. Plus, even I agree that saying ‘how about babies’ before we’ve even met is a bit much.

Once date number one rolls around however, it’s a different matter. I don’t bring it up immediately – and I don’t recommend you do either – but if the conversation veers to family, I tend to sneak it in where possible.

‘I don’t want kids,’ I’ll say casually, all the while gauging the other person’s reaction. 

The reactions have been very positive (Picture: Almara Abgarian)

Perhaps I’ve just been lucky, but so far no one has run away screaming. If anything, the reactions have been very positive.

One date told me he respected my choice, but confessed that he wants bundles of joy. Another person said he couldn’t care less about being a dad. A third man shared that he wasn’t sure how he felt, but appreciated that I was so upfront about it. 

I’ve applied the same honesty with past long-term boyfriends; we’ve not always discussed the matter on the first date, but normally very early on in our relationship. Partially because I don’t want there to be any ambiguity and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (because, again, I won’t change my mind).

I’ve not always been given the same courtesy, including by people who already have children.

A man I was seeing when I was in my early 20s decided not to tell me he was a dad-of-two until our second date. I didn’t mind his parental status and I could understand that he may have been worried about my reaction, but it felt strange that he had kept this to himself. 

It made me question his motives. We didn’t discuss it at length and our romance soon fizzled (though not related to this).

I understand that my method might sound extreme. When I told a male friend about it, his first reaction was ‘that would terrify me’ – and perhaps you, dear reader, echo his thoughts.

I get it – being honest, especially at the start of a potential relationship, is scary. I’m also aware that my way of approaching the ‘family dilemma’ might seem easier because I don’t want one.

But there are pros and cons whichever way you throw the coin. 

We often question our choices, especially if they go against the grain. Some of us worry how others will see us or if being too open will cut our dating pool down before we’ve even started. 

This isn’t just about having versus not having kids. 

You don’t actually have to tell someone that the sight of newborns makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside until you’re ready to do so – but consider asking yourself why you’re afraid to share what you want from your future. (You could easily apply this method to any other aspect of dating.)

This is about making your intentions clear from the get-go, which saves time, effort and potential heartbreak.

So that, unlike my friend, you won’t have to tip-toe around an important conversation years from now – whether that’s about travelling the world, starting a family or something else that is equally important to you.

If you find it difficult to open up, take baby steps. Start by writing down what matters most to you when it comes to a potential relationship (most of us are continuously trying to figure this out so don’t fret if the answer doesn’t come naturally to you).

Most importantly, never feel that you have to hide who you are or what you want. 

It’s only by being brave enough to be honest – with yourself and others – that you’ll get what you need from a partner. 

And isn’t that kind of the point?

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

Share your views in the comments below.

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This is about making your intentions clear from the get-go, which saves time, effort and potential heartbreak.