Starfield – an eagerly anticipated new release (pic: Microsoft)
A reader explains how mental health issues have affected his ability to enjoy video games and how he hopes Starfield will be a way back in.
Long time readers of the weekend Reader’s Features will be familiar with my history of talking about mental health and gaming and I am going to venture into that ground again.
Back in February I wrote a feature after suffering a depressive episode with my bi-polar in December. I had become increasingly angry with both GC and the community in general. Thankfully, GC chose to ignore all my rants but what got me through that episode was playing Vampire Survivors and maybe a few others.
It turns out this was just a sticking plaster that didn’t stay on. Roll forward to May and all hell broke loose and Vampire Survivors never stood a chance, or anything else for that matter.
In May I suffered what my doctor called a multi-polar effect. This is when the manic side of bi-polar coincides with the depressive side. So, I really was a manic depressive, which is not good. This was the first time this has happened to me and to say all hell broke loose is an understatement. I won’t go into the full details here but suffice to say I ended up being picked up by the police for my own safety.
I am now under professional care and receiving a great deal of support and medication to help me through this period. It’s now close to three months and things do look a little rosier on my general health.
So, this is a gaming site, so what is gaming doing to help? In my living room I have an Xbox, PlayStation 5, and Switch all connected and ready to go. I also have a gaming laptop, should that take my fancy. I should be able to find something to play but I just can’t face it. Why has a hobby of 40 years left me with such an empty feeling? Fear of failure is what.
Now every game I play feels like I am stepping into Dark Souls. I really can’t explain that feeling any better. I have been trying to work through Zelda: Tears Of The Kingdom and somehow I have managed to clear three of the first beasts and am currently at the Gibdo Queen, and the thought of going back in after she killed me the first time fills me with absolute terror and anxiety.
I’ve not picked it up in about three weeks. I’m going through my backlog and things on Game Pass and PS Plus and the same thing happens over and over. I just can’t face the prospect of failure.
One of gaming’s biggest attributes is perseverance – if at first you don’t succeed try, try again. Different tactics, different style, a whole host of different ways to attack the problem and if all else fails go on YouTube and see how it’s done. But what do you do if you’ve lost that? How do you get it back?
I don’t know the answer to that question. What I have done is step back from actually playing games at the moment. What’s the point of putting myself through something which isn’t helping? But it feels like I’ve lost part of me.
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Like many people I am eagerly awaiting Starfield, or should I say I was. Now I am pretty worried by the thought of it. Will it be too difficult? Will the controls be too complicated? Will it have elaborate skill trees and options beyond my comprehension? The fear of failure rides again.
I don’t know if I will ever get over this. The doctor has said give it time. What happened is still fresh and raw. Losing a hobby of 40 years makes me very sad and I am writing this on advice to reconnect and share. I still read GC every morning with my coffee and feel proud of the contribution I have made to debates over the years, even if I am out on a limb sometimes.
Gaming still interests me greatly, but I just can’t seem to play them.
By reader Dirtystopout
The reader’s features do not necessarily represent the views of GameCentral or Metro.
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A reader explains how mental health issues have affected his ability to enjoy video games and how he hopes Starfield will be a way back in.
