Emily Clarkson is dishing out the sage advice for one couple on the question of to snip or not to snip (Picture: Getty / metro.co.uk
Dear Em, Is it right to ask my husband for a vasectomy after four children? He’s against it…
Yes it’s absolutely right to ask your husband for this, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean he will say yes.
I’d counter though that it’s also right for you to try and persuade him if it’s important to you. And if I were you, this is how I would do it:
Since my first painful and alarming period started when I was a teenager, I have been burdened with the responsibility of my fertility. Conception has fallen to me throughout my life because the stakes have always been higher for me, so I’ve taken pills that have altered my entire biology, causing side effects ranging from acne to depression, I’ve had corkscrew-type devices shoved into my uterus and had to be the condom police for every sexual encounter I’ve had. Because I knew if I didn’t, I’d run the risk of having to take charge of another life, in my body for nine months and in my heart forever. And now I’ve had four children, each a beautiful miracle which has taken a physically and mentally exhausting toll on my body, and I simply cannot do this again. You, dear husband, can stop all of this. The discomfort, yes, but critically, the responsibility. Please, let us share this burden. I’ve carried it alone for too long and it’s weighed heavy on me. With your big strong manly arms that won’t be any less masculine after this is done, could you please pick this up and take it straight to the clinic, where you can have a painless and reversible procedure that will make my life so much better.
Or something like that. Not easy to argue with when it’s all put in front of him like that, so fingers crossed it works.
Q: My bestie is getting married next June, and I am so excited for her, but she is inviting a girl that deeply hurt me about 10 years ago. How do I deal with going to the same hen party and then the wedding? If anything, I just want to find a reason to be too busy for both the hen and the wedding, but it is my best friend. I should be there. And yes, I have spoken with my friend, and she knows my feelings but said she still wants the other girl there.
I heard it said once, and it’s something I live by: ‘Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die’, so while I’m really sorry for you that you were hurt in the first place, and that your friend hasn’t taken the magnitude of that pain into consideration when finalising her guestlists, I’m also acutely aware that by not going to her hen, or even her wedding, it will be you that hurts the most.
Metro’s agony aunt to the rescue (Picture: Natasha Pszenicki)
I’m absolutely not saying that you have to forgive this girl if you don’t want to, but I think it’s worth having a think about how much power you want to give her. In not going to these events, you’re giving her even more power, to hurt you and isolate you and get between you and your best friend. You’re letting what happened then dictate what you do now. And whilst that pain still exists, you don’t want to let that inflict fresh pain now.
So, I think you ought to go. Honestly without a second thought for this woman, go and celebrate your best friend, surrounded by the people that love you both. Ignore her if you want but be cordial if you can.
You never have to forgive her and that’s where your power lies. Not in hiding from her for the rest of your lives. You deserve to be there and to have fun, and you CAN do this.
Q: How to broach with my friend that I think she’s unhealthily obsessed with her boyfriend?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot for the last couple of days since I first read it and honestly, I’ve been around the houses with it. I asked my husband what he thought (his advice was terrible), and then one of my friends, and thankfully her advice was better.
Ask Em Clarkson: Your questions answered
Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
Well, sort of.
As Metro’s agony aunt the influencer, author and content creator (busy much?) is primed and ready to be a sympathetic ear, an oracle of wisdom or, quite simply, a stand-in for that girl in the nightclub bathroom you share your thoughts and dreams with while waiting in line.
While she stresses she’s no alternative for therapy, Em is keen to talk through any quandary.
‘My friend never wants to see me now she’s a new mum. I feel so rejected…’
‘How do I stop my son’s dad from plastering his face online?’
‘Men have it so tough these days – women have made chivalry impossible’
‘My boyfriend is the best man at a wedding, but I wasn’t invited. He’s still going…’
‘My dad’s cheating on my mum – but she’s desperate to win him back’
‘My partner makes more than me – but refuses to pay more of our bills’
‘I’m 17, he’s 31… Am I too young to tell him I have feelings for him?’
‘Do I tell my new partner I’m a 30-year-old virgin?’
‘My fiancé is not attracted to me – how do I get past this?’
We basically concluded that yes you tell her, but incredibly gently. I think you need to manage your expectations because this isn’t the kind of news you take well, whether or not you are actually obsessed with your boyfriend. I think the less you make it about him, the better.
Focus all of your commentary on her and her behaviour, tell her you love her and that you’re worried about her, because you feel that she is giving up a lot of herself for him, and it shouldn’t be like that.
Tell her that you feel she’s prioritising him over everything and it’s hurtful as your friend. That way you can have the conversation about the relationship under the guise of talking about your friendship which might help her to feel less attacked.
Bring receipts, and examples, and reiterate that you love her and stress the fact that if she’s happy, you’re happy and tell her that you hope that you are wrong.
Ultimately, you’re not expecting this one conversation to be a lightbulb moment for her, what you’re doing here is planting a seed in a way that means you can still be there for her by the time it flowers.
Want to ask Em Clarkson a question?
With nearly 300,000 followers on Instagram and a reputation as one of the more honest influencers out there, Em is often asked for advice in her DMs. Now, she wants to do the same in Metro, as our newest columnist.
No topic is off limits. So if you’ve a question for her agony aunt series, email [email protected].
‘Is it right to ask?’
