It was very hot (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
I’ve never been one to enjoy foreplay much, a fact that often leaves my male lovers stunned.
The confusion is understandable; it’s widely accepted that women need to pregame before they get down to business.
This may be true for many – maybe even most – women, but for me this has often been bypassed in favour of penetration.
It’s not that I don’t like making out, being touched or receiving oral sex but I’m impatient by nature.
Once my engine is revved up, I’ve always preferred to get the first round out of the way before focusing on the ‘extras’, as I consider them, afterwards.
Up until recent years, that is.
You see, I’ve been trying out a new sex act and I think it’s going to be a huge trend in 2024: mutual masturbation.
For anyone who hasn’t tried it, it’s pretty straightforward. You and your sexual partner touch yourselves and/or each other at the same time, with hands or sex toys, either in person or virtually, to turn each other on.
While it sounds simple enough, there are some stumbling blocks, and as always, dear reader, I am here to help you through them.
First, let me return to my own journey.
While I’ve experimented with mutual masturbation to some degree when younger, it didn’t really come to my attention properly until lockdown.
Like so many single people stuck in a flat with nothing to do but stare at four walls or suffer another tedious Zoom quiz, I indulged in online dating and matched with a lovely man who I ended up seeing virtually for a short while.
He was sweet, kind and sexy, and I’ll admit I was more than a little horny.
Our video dates soon got steamy and since we couldn’t play with each other, we played with ourselves.
At the time, I also had a decent ‘goodie drawer’ of sex toys. One of the perks of being a sex writer.
Yet, even for me, the idea of cyber sex was daunting at first.
I’m generally quite confident but I felt a bit self-conscious about showing off my body at all the right angles or having a bad ‘orgasm’ face.
One of the biggest benefits of mutual masturbation is that no one knows your body like you do (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
But my lover was thrilled with the show and I was equally mesmerised watching him pleasure himself.
We managed to climax together on the first try. (Side note: don’t worry if this doesn’t happen for you, it’s perfectly natural to orgasm at different times.)
Masturbating in front of someone else requires a lot of trust, just like a lot of other sex acts.
It is generally something we do alone, and we say and do things while flying solo – both knowingly and unknowingly – that can feel uncomfortable sharing with others.
But that is exactly why, once you get over the embarrassment hurdle, it can be an amazing way to bond with your sexual partner.
To give another example, a man I once dated was struggling to orgasm during sex.
It was late and we’d already done it a few times earlier that day.
Knowing that I was feeling slightly sore, this considerate lover worried that he might unintentionally hurt me and this concern was impacting his erection.
Now a fan of mutual masturbation, I suggested we give it a go.
His eyes lit up. Without hesitation, he lay down next to me and started seeing to himself, while encouraging me to play with myself.
Taking penetrative sex (and the pressure that sometimes comes with it) off the table momentarily made the experience more intense.
It was hot – very hot.
In the end, we couldn’t resist having sex, making this the perfect, unexpected foreplay.
One of the biggest benefits of mutual masturbation is that no one knows your body like you do.
The biggest hurdles with mutual masturbation tend to centre around embarrassment (Picture: Almara Abgarian)
It’s the best of both worlds because you can achieve maximum pleasure while simultaneously showing someone else what you enjoy, allowing them to pick up new tricks.
According to research I did myself with the sex toy company LELO in 2022, close to one in 10 Brits reported that they found it easier to achieve orgasm through co-play, aka pleasuring themselves.
And two in 10 people said they wanted to try mutual masturbation with a sexual partner.
Another advantage is that there are so many variations to discover and enjoy.
You could do it while sitting up on different ends of the bed – which might sound scary but can be thrilling – or get as close as possible, staring into your partner’s eyes as you pant and moan.
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You could try out teasing and delayed gratification, taking each other to the cusp of orgasm and then holding back, to see how long you both last.
The biggest hurdles with mutual masturbation tend to centre around embarrassment, fear of looking silly in front of a partner or body image issues.
There’s no magic solution to becoming comfortable in your own skin, however, it can help to take small steps.
For instance, start by touching yourself under the covers – that way, you can gradually ease into pulling these off (if you do so at all). Masturbating alongside someone else with your eyes shut can help, too.
Try to pinpoint if there are any elements during solo masturbation that you could introduce with your lover, to make the situation feel less awkward. Perhaps some relaxing music or your favourite sex toy?
My top tip is, as always, to talk to the other person in the bed and explain that you feel nervous. Take it slow.
Dare I say it… sometimes, mutual masturbation is actually better than ‘regular’ sex. But that’s just this woman’s opinion.
Whether you use it as foreplay, midplay or afterplay, this underrated sex act deserves a spot on your sexual calendar this year.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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Sometimes, it’s actually better than ‘regular’ sex.