Research suggests there are four predictors of divorce (Picture: Getty Images)
Is your marriage less than perfect? There are four patterns of behaviour you might want to look out for and address, before they spell divorce.
Dr John Gottman, an American psychologist and professor, has been dubbed ‘the guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy’ thanks to his decades of research on marital stability and separation.
Alongside his team at the Gottman Institute, he’s watched thousands of couples arguing in his lab, and apparently, there are four key behaviours that can indicate when divorce is likely.
Gottman has (somewhat dramatically) called these The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, taking the name from a depiction of the end of times in the New Testament.
When the Four Horsemen are present without an effective repair attempt, couples divorce an average of 5.6 years after the wedding, says Gottman’s research.
When they appear later in a marriage and manifest as a result of emotional withdrawal and anger, couples divorce an average of 16.2 years after the wedding.
So, what are the four signs of divorce to look for?
Criticism
This is defined as ‘stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, i.e. giving the partner negative trait attributions’. An example of this may be a sentence such as: ‘You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.’
Contempt
Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and Gottman says it ‘must be eliminated’ for a marriage to stand the test of time. Watch out for statements that come from a relative position of superiority, such as ‘you’re an idiot’.
Defensiveness
This is defined as self-protection ‘in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood’ and could be an attempt to ‘ward off a perceived attack’. An example sentence might be: ‘It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.’
Stonewalling
Stonewalling means emotional withdrawal from interaction. This becomes an issue when the listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is ‘tracking’ the speaker.
Did you know?
The most common reasons couples divorce after decades together include infidelity, lack of intimacy, addiction, relationship neglect and a ‘marriage running its course’.
How to turn your marriage around
Though these habits can be an indicator of divorce, noticing them is helpful, as it provides the opportunity to turns things around, Dee Holmes, a relationships counsellor and clinical service manager at Relate, tells Metro.co.uk.
If you feel like you’re the person behaving like this, the first step is to reflect on what’s happening in the marriage to make you feel this way.
‘Are you angry, frustrated, irritated?’ asks Dee. ‘When did you start to feel this way? When do you feel more like it? What would make you happier?’
Often, we behave like this to avoid ‘being vulnerable’, she adds, as addressing the true root of disharmony in a marriage ‘means expressing sides of ourselves we feel less confident or certain about and relinquishing control’.
‘Is you pay attention to your own reactions and feelings then you are more likely to be able to communicate in a healthy way to your partner,’ she says.
To nip your own habits of defensiveness or criticism in the bud, try using ‘I’ in any interactions, rather than blaming your spouse.
Dee recommends starting sentences with ‘I feel upset about X’ rather than the accusatory ‘you always upset me’.
You can also use this tactic if it’s your partner who is exhibiting Gottman’s behaviours.
‘It’s important to raise your concerns, again use ‘I’ so you are describing how it is making you feel, not blaming the other person,’ Dee says.
Ideally, this will spark more open conversation with your spouse, but you may still want to visit a marriage counsellor to help you talk through any tricky issues with someone neutral.
Though open communication can help couples work through their issues, there are some instances where Gottman’s red flags shouldn’t be ignored.
‘It’s important to be aware of what the red flags in behaviour like this can signify,’ Dee says. ‘They can be signs of gas lighting and coercive control if constant undermining is occurring.’
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If they’re not addressed your marriage could be over within six years.
