‘Put it in’, I said; ‘It already is’, he replied – Part II

Men have commented on how I should be ‘careful’ with my sexual habits (Picture: Almara Abgarian)

I’m a woman and I’ve slept with a lot of men.

I won’t tell you my number (we put far too much emphasis on so-called ‘body counts’ and it does no one any favours) but I can tell you that it’s way, way above the UK national average for women, which is reportedly three partners in a lifetime.

(I once ticked off that number a single week, but that’s another column for another day).

I tell you this with neither pride nor shame – it’s just a fact.

Being sexually liberated comes with a lot of challenges, like having to constantly defend my choices to others.

I’ve heard it all; I’m a slut, a bike, a merry-go-round. Or my personal favourite, no one will ever want me because my vagina will be too loose from all the penis it has enjoyed.

Apparently, some people (read: men) still believe that if a woman has a lot of sex, her vagina will somehow stretch out and never regain its original shape, like a pair of well-worn jeans. 

Let’s bust this myth once and for all, starting with some stone-cold facts.

Firstly, vulvas (the outer part) come in all shapes and sizes – just like penises. Our inner and outer lips (labia) can be long and short, smooth or crinkly, hairy or not. 

The vagina – the canal – can range in length from between two to five inches, and can expand and elongate during sex. The width of that very same canal can stretch out to birth a newborn’s head, which averages around 35cm.

So unless you have the Guinness World Record of d**k, you’re really going to struggle to make any kind of dent.

Men still feel the need to make women feel guilty for enjoying sex (Picture: Almara Abgarian)

To play devil’s advocate, I can understand if young boys or teenagers have misconceptions about female genitalia.

When I was a student learning about my body at school, teachers split us up into groups of girls and boys to discuss the ins and outs of our bodies. 

I don’t remember hearing anything about how the penis functioned – beyond talks about ejaculation and the use of condoms – and I doubt my male peers were told anything about vulvas or vaginas.

Curious to find out more, I asked a male friend for his opinion. ‘Growing up, we – the boys – all thought girls would get loose vaginas if they fooled around a lot,’ he told me. ‘It was just an accepted truth, something we all knew.’

But the snarky comments and raised eyebrows I encounter are from grown men, not children, so what’s the explanation there?

Let’s talk about what this is really about. This is ingrained misogyny at play. 

When it comes to sex, women are judged on a different scale, compared to men. We either shag too much or not enough, there’s never a happy medium. 

Talking about sex openly, in a respectful way, is the only way we will truly tackle ‘lad culture’ and we desperately need to

It’s not just our sexual prowess that influences our societal value, it’s our bodies or personalities too.

Small tits? Must be boring in bed. Vocal about sexual needs? Too demanding in the sack. Talks about fantasies of threesomes or group sex? Must be a trollop with a big vagina.

I could go on, but I think you know where I’m going with this.

I’m sure that there are adults out there who truly don’t know better and I don’t want to shame those people because we all deserve a safe space to discuss our feelings and experiences.

So I’d just say that there are plenty of helpful resources online, though take care to only use reputable sources. Random forums, for instance, rarely contain fact-checked information. 

Talking about sex openly, in a respectful way, is the only way we will truly tackle ‘lad culture’ and we desperately need to.

While I have pretty thick skin these days, I remember just how frustrating and painful it was to be considered a ‘lesser woman’ because I enjoyed sex – and not just by strangers. Former friends, schoolmates and partners have commented about my sex life, too.

Once, when sharing a funny sex story at a party, my boyfriend at the time pulled me aside to say I shouldn’t talk about such things because it wasn’t appropriate and ‘no one wants to hear that’.

Meanwhile, he frequently regaled our group of mates with his escapades. I was livid and gave him an earful. He later apologised.

Other men have commented on how I should be ‘careful’ with my sexual habits or call me names.

I also get shamed plenty online.

Like recently, when I wrote about the time I accidentally said ‘put it in’ to a man who had already done so.

I was young and felt awful about what happened – it was an honest mistake. 

But it didn’t matter.

Men came out in droves to say this must have been my ‘fault’ – that my huge vagina was big enough to rattle a coin in.

I don’t pander to trolls (I don’t read the comments but others told me about them) but I was very disappointed.

It’s clear that men still feel the need to make women feel guilty for enjoying sex.

If you find yourself wanting to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do, it’s time to be quiet.

If we want to shag half the planet, that’s our prerogative. Our vagina will be just fine. 

In fact, I imagine she’ll quite like it. And she bounces back like a pro.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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I remember just how frustrating and painful it was to be considered a ‘lesser woman’ because I enjoyed sex.