‘I was so devastated that I was physically sick’ (Picture: Getty/Metro.co.uk)
From feeling underappreciated to a drunken mistake, the excuses for an affair can be endless – but they’re rarely justified.
When this reader learnt her husband was cheating on her – and even has a love child – he claimed he was only maintaining a relationship for the sake of the baby.
She doesn’t want to leave her husband, but is that really a good enough reason to cause her so much heartbreak?
Before you read on, check out last week’s dilemma, where a woman was left red-faced when her one-night stand told everyone about her dirty talk.
The problem…
My husband and I have had our ups and downs but since our two lovely kids left home, we’ve devoted more time to each other and I thought that after nearly 30 years together, we’d turned the corner.
Recently, he went away with work for ten days and I thought I’d surprise him by decorating our bedroom. This involved stripping the room, which is when I discovered a folder buried deep at the back of his wardrobe, containing photos of a local woman (some of which were quite pornographic) and a child.
I was so devastated that I was physically sick. In an absolute state, I drove to this woman’s home as I wanted the truth from her own mouth before I confronted my husband. She couldn’t even lie – in fact, I think it gave her pleasure to tell me they’d been having an affair for six years and worse still, the child is his.
I completely lost it over the phone to my husband, who broke down and admitted everything. He said he knows he is financially responsible for the child and that’s the only reason he maintains a relationship with this woman.
He said he’d finish with her and just send her money, but I’m at my wits’ end. If I throw him out, he might go to her, which is just what she wants.
Laura says…
I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position; but I also feel sorry for the child, who through no fault of their own, has a father who is seldom around.
Yes, your husband is financially responsible for his own child, but using that as an excuse to maintain sexual contact with this woman, is frankly pathetic. You seem a very reasonable person, so why didn’t he just come clean about the mess he’d got himself into, so you could try to work it out together?
As is often the case, he is full of apologies now, but his only regret may be that he got caught. It’s going to take a lot more to sort out this situation than him just saying: ‘Sorry, I won’t do it again’.
I know you don’t want to kick him out, but to stand any chance of salvaging your marriage, he must mean it when he says it’s over with this woman. Go to couples counselling to look at what led to his affair and see whether you can move on from this.
How do you feel about the child? Are you willing to involve this little person in your life, and are your adult children (who should be told) ready to embrace this new situation, too?
It won’t be easy, but remember, it’s never the child’s fault. Whatever your decision, he or she deserves a father, as much as your own children did.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk
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‘I discovered a folder containing photos of a woman (some of which were quite pornographic).’