Alana’s* husband moved in with his parents after finding out she’d been watching porn (picture: Getty Images)
After going through a dry spell in the bedroom having been with her husband for 10 years, Alana* began watching porn on her phone.
She attributed the lack of sex in her marriage to ‘work stress and family stuff’ but the couple had never had any major issues, so Alana, 29, began googling porn while her husband, 32, wasn’t around.
But just before Christmas her husband found the porn she’d been watching and now their marriage is seemingly over.
Alana said on Reddit: ‘My husband was apparently looking for a password for streaming service that was in my icloud and while looking for it noticed that I had a browser open that had porn on it.
‘We have an open phone policy… I’m honestly not upset that he found it but he has been incredibly upset. He’s particularly upset because the specific porn that was open was focused on guys that were well endowed. He’s now convinced that I’ve somehow settled for him physically.’
But Alana explained she loves her husband and is ‘fully happy with [their] marriage’ and she’s also happy with their sex life when it’s ‘actually active’.
Her husband found the porn she’d been watching on her phone (picture: Getty Images)
This doesn’t change the fact her husband went to stay with his parents, a few hours drive from their house, and it’s been more than two weeks but he’s refusing to come back home.
She added: ‘It feels like he’s acting like I cheated or something and it’s breaking my heart… Honestly I’m at a complete loss of what to do or say, and I’m feeling like my marriage might be over somehow.’
While there is nothing wrong with watching porn – it can help us discover our likes and dislikes when it comes to what gets us going – psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley explained that porn can become a battleground for issues around feelings on insecurity and a lack of intimacy.
Louise previously told Metro.co.uk: ‘One partner may feel insecure or inadequate if they perceive that their partner’s interest in pornography is related to dissatisfaction with their own appearance or performance.
‘Comparisons to the idealised, and often scripted scenarios, depicted in pornography can contribute to feelings of insecurity.’
How can you ethically watch porn while in a relationship?
Recognise the distinction between pornography as entertainment and fantasy versus the reality of your own relationship. Understand that the scenarios, portrayals, and performances in pornography may not reflect the dynamics or experiences within your own intimate connection.
Regularly check in with each other to ensure that the use of pornography remains consensual and beneficial within the relationship.
Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, Chartered Psychologist
There can be a fear from the partner, in this case Alana’s husband, that they don’t physically align with the type of porn their loved one is watching.
Louise said: ‘Pornography can often present an exaggerated and unrealistic portrayal of sexual experiences and what varying body types we all have.
‘This can lead to the development of unrealistic expectations and preferences that may not align with the reality of the couple’s sexual relationship with themselves or within the couple.’
Another reason for Alana’s husband being so upset with her watching porn could be because some people consider it a form of infidelity in a relationship.
Watching porn can be considered infidelity but could also strengthen your communication (Picture: Getty Images)
Watching porn even though you have a partner isn’t inherently wrong or abnormal (as is the case for pretty much all sexual preferences and practices). What really matters is that you respect your partner’s boundaries.
‘It is essential for partners to have open and honest communication about their feelings, boundaries, and attitudes toward pornography,’ said Louise.
‘This includes discussing any discomfort, insecurities, or concerns that may arise in relation to its use.’
If your partner is against you watching porn, Louise believes you should honour that – however, the underlying reasoning should be discussed to ensure you’re both on the same page about why they’re against porn.
One way you could incorporate porn into your relationship without your partner feeling insecure, is to settle on a particular porn video to watch together, so you’re both engaging in it.
Metro sex columnist Almara Abgarian recently shared she had watched porn with her new partner and they both loved it – so it is possible for it to be present in your relationship.
Almara said: ‘I suggested watching porn with a new partner. Finally armed with knowledge of what works for me, I felt confident and comfortable with the idea and my enthusiasm rubbed off on him.
‘I also took control: this time, I picked the film. Though I did ask him what he likes and I urge you to do the same. We had a great time.
‘It wasn’t really about the porn in itself but more so about the excitement of sharing this moment and talking about our fantasies. It felt naughty, sexy and intimate.
‘Beyond simply spicing things up, porn can also serve as a method of communication. If you want to try something new but the idea of uttering the words is too awkward, why not show your other half what you’re after?’
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We’ve been together 10 years.