She asks him to keep it down so she can hear the TV (Picture: Metro.co.uk)
It’s not always easy to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship – but answering the phone while you’re in the throes of passion certainly won’t help.
This week, a reader shares how his girlfriend is pretty distracted when they have sex, and even watches the TV.
His mates think it’s funny, but he’s been left feeling insecure.
Before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, where a man got himself in an awkward situation, after having a threesome with two of his mum’s friends.
The problem…
All my mates think this problem is hilarious, but I don’t.
Basically, my girlfriend answers her phone when we’re having sex and even has conversations with other people while I’m doing things to her, which to me is just weird. She also has a television in her bedroom, which she insists on having on, no matter what we’re doing. She quite often tells me to keep the noise down so she can hear what’s being said.
I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she just dismisses what I say as petty and unreasonable. She seems to think it’s perfectly normal to have half a mind on something else during sex, whereas I feel like she should be concentrating on what’s happening.
Lately things have gone from bad to worse because I now have trouble even getting an erection. I feel like it’s not worth bothering as she clearly isn’t fully into it. I don’t think she has ever climaxed during sex, which seems to be a mechanical act that she just goes along with.
She has always been like this, but I thought things would change when we’d been together for a while, which hasn’t happened. We’re both in our late twenties and have been together for 18 months. Neither of us want to end the relationship as we get on well in other ways, and apart from sex, we’re really happy with one another.
I’ve had other girlfriends and never experienced this issue, so I don’t think the problem is down to me being a rubbish lover.
Laura says…
I wonder whether your girlfriend has been like this with other partners? Not many guys would tolerate such indifference, and you’re right to try and sort this out.
You say the problem isn’t down to your poor lovemaking, and I tend to believe you, as I doubt she would have put up with it this long if that were the issue. It sounds like she just isn’t particularly into sex; it’s something that happens to her, without her actively taking part.
There are a couple of other possibilities. She may be asexual, which means it wouldn’t matter what you did, she’d just never be into sex. The other option is that she is sexually very inhibited and can’t let herself go. This explains not only why she needs distractions like the phone or television, but also why she never climaxes.
Although your girlfriend dismisses your attempts to talk, you need to be a bit more assertive because this really matters. Your own lovemaking is being affected, and however well you get on in other areas, this is something fundamental which needs to be resolved.
The reasons for her detached attitude are something a sex therapist could find out, and I think you should urge her to visit one. If she really can’t or doesn’t want to change, you’ll have to decide whether this type of relationship is right for you. In the long term, I suspect it won’t be.
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‘I feel like it’s not worth bothering.’