My four-year-old’s response to a question about my gender left me proud

I’ve always been open and honest with my children about the fact that I’m trans (Picture: Jacob Bouyer)

‘Is that your mummy?’ a friend of my four-year-old, Merle*, asked them. I held my breath, unsure whether to step in or wait. 

The decision was taken out of my hands by their rapid reply. ‘No,’ Merle said, shaking their head. 

‘Well, do you have a mummy?’ Their friend had a questioning tone. 

‘No… but I have a Daddy and a Papa.’

‘Oh, okay. Well, I have a mummy.’ There was another brief silence, then they both ran off to play. 

I could finally breathe, another awkward encounter avoided. I was impressed and proud that Merle had corrected their friend without me having to step in.

I’ve always been open and honest with my children about the fact that I’m trans – and they see me for who I am. 

As someone who’s sometimes on the receiving end of less-than-pleasant opinions, their acceptance has helped me to realise that I don’t really care what people say and that, as long as my children are healthy and happy, then nothing else should matter.

But coming out to everyone I know hasn’t always been as simple as just stating the facts and then blanket acceptance.

I came out to Florian as trans in 2014 and he helped me to open up to my parents (Picture: Jacob Bouyer)

When I met my now-husband, Florian, in 2014, I was still living as female.

Although I had begun to explore my gender through cutting my hair short and experimenting with different names online, I still wasn’t quite ready to take the often-terrifying leap into coming out.

But by the next year, I came out to Florian as trans and he helped me to open up to my parents. That wasn’t exactly a fairytale moment, but at least they knew.

Then, in early 2017, I started taking a low dose of testosterone, but stopped a few months later after a family death made us re-evaluate our plans.

I realised that it felt like the right time for me to have a baby, so I spoke to Florian and he agreed after some discussion.

Everything else stayed the same for us. I was still Jacob and continued living that way, but I also started taking folic acid for baby health.

Following a death in the family I realised it was the right time to have a baby. I was still living as Jacob, but I also started taking folic acid for baby health (Picture: Jacob Bouyer)

In 2018 – not long after our honeymoon – I realised I hadn’t had my period yet. We had been trying for a baby for a few months, but didn’t expect anything to happen so soon.

Merle was born the next year. In those early days, I felt very lost and more than a little confused about how I was suddenly meant to expertly change nappies and look after a small human.

Postnatal depression left me feeling completely empty inside – an experience I’ve written about previously – and we very much took our time to bond. 

Our second child – Raven* – was born last year and I’ve settled into being a parent now. Some days are still difficult and I’m definitely not perfect, but I’m still their Daddy and that has been an important part of my transition.

As long as my children are healthy and happy, then nothing else should matter (Picture: Jacob Bouyer)

In fact, our youngest’s first word was ‘Dada’. But sometimes when our children call me ‘Daddy’ in public, it can make me feel unsafe.

That’s because I’m never sure who is listening or who may take offence to my existence, but one thing I do know is that my kids love me for who I am, not who anyone else says I am.

I’ve never hidden that I am trans from my children. I believe that by being open about my transition and any changes they might see, it will give them the chance to ask questions they have in a safe, non-judgemental, space, and so become more accepting humans overall.

For instance, I have explained to Merle before that sometimes people who we think are one gender – from what we see of their clothing or what society tells us their body should include – are sometimes not.

We should respect people’s ability to explore their gender and present how they want in public.

My husband and I are raising both of our children without gendered pronouns until they can decide for themselves (Picture: Jacob Bouyer)

On top of that, my husband and I are raising both of our children without gendered pronouns until they can decide for themselves.

As a result, Merle loves wearing dresses and hair clips just as much as they love playing in the mud and wearing trousers – their gender doesn’t affect what they can do in life or what they should wear.

Right now, Merle still wants us to use they/them pronouns and they use them for Raven too.

Giving our children that choice doesn’t mean they will necessarily decide to keep these pronouns when they get older. It doesn’t bother me if they change their mind one day and then change it again the day after – for me, life is all about exploring.

There’s no doubt in my mind that being open with my children about my transness helps break down restrictive gender binaries.

I would encourage everyone to be open with their children about who they are – if they can.

*Some names have been changed

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I’ve never hidden that I am trans from my children.